给母亲和大家的一封信

致亲爱的妈咪，

现在的我很平静的写这一封信。

说真的，这还是第一次我因为成绩而哭了；人生的第一次。因为我失败了，这也是我人生第一次坠到了谷底。

我考了三张测试，三张都不合格。[好彻底哦]

原本在我拿到成绩的当儿，在我看到那三个刺眼的“F”的时候，我竟然一点感觉也没有。教授一脸疑惑的看着我，看着一个不及格的华人，难以置信。

当我走出办公室门的那一刻，关心的朋友在一旁说，“她出来了。” 但是我心情很复杂，我很不愿意大庭广众的宣布，“Hey, I'm failed.”

我低着头，默不出声，拿起背包，迫不及待的溜走。

我想找个朋友看不见我的地方，然后打电话告诉你这个消息。但是我并没有如何的难过，反而，我已经预测到了，因为我没有付出真正的努力。

但是在拨电话的当儿，我的鼻子就酸了，我的泪水也来了。

我在想，“Rachel,你怎么可以这样的毫无感觉？你到底在干什么？妈咪和爸爸辛苦的把我抚养长大，终于盼到我拿到大学，费尽劳苦把我送来这里，我就这样一通冷漠的电话告诉他们，我不及格了，我赢了？”说真的，我没有付出过，在这里的一段日子，我除了埋怨，还是埋怨。

我不止在考试上失败了，我在作人方面也很失败。

当我遇上难题时，我不愿意去解决，我只会以泪洗脸，盼望尽早离开这里。我忘了，我真的忘了，当初我在面试的时候，我是如何满腔热血的对教授说，“是的，我要当医生，我要当一位好医生，我要帮助人。尽管我是物理生，但那从来不会是我的绊脚石。”

但是，我没有做到我所说的。

你和爸爸，都很支持我，并告诉我如果压力，难受，你们随时来带我回家。甚至，今天你竟然同意我去修读导演。

我很惊讶。但是我愧对了你，爸爸还有我自己。是我自己要选医科的，但是我没有付出努力，我对从前的我感到愧疚。

最重要的是，我要如何面对上帝呢？

Matric Physic，３．９５，拿到医科？这是上帝给我最大的恩赐了。但是我有珍惜过吗？没有，我好像觉得这是理所当然的，应该的。

回到房间，我感到心力交瘁。我躺在床上，不知该怎么办。

我哭是因为，我对不起你和爸爸，我对不起天父，我没有尽责任做一个好孩子。从小，我就觉得，你们疼弟弟多过我。但是，现在我并没有珍惜我所得到的。很多事情我办到的，弟弟都办不到，但是我没有珍惜过。反而，带给这个家庭最大伤害的人，就是我。

我很想走，很想逃避。我在想，上帝啊，我不及格了，为什么？

但是，我总是清楚，心中有另一把声音在告诉我留下来。那把声音要我相信，不要怕，我可以的。我第一次感到这么的清晰，我要听天父的话。做导演是从小的梦想，但是我好像很自然的想留下来。

其实前一晚很巧的，我读到了路加福音第四章，给了我很大的启示。

魔鬼曾对耶稣说，“你若是神的儿子，可以吩咐这块石头变成食物。”　但是耶稣并没有这么做。他回答說：經上記著說：人活著不是單靠食物，乃是靠神口裡所出的一切話。 ［但是我活着的意义呢？我并没有听天父的话，我活着好像为了自己的梦想，为了名和利。］

魔鬼又領耶稣上了高山，霎時間把天下的萬國都指給他看，對他說：這一切權柄、榮華，我都要給你，因為這原是交付我的，我願意給誰就給誰。 你若在我面前下拜，這都要歸你。 耶穌說：經上記著說：當拜主─你的神，單要事奉他。

［但是我呢？我没有珍惜上帝给我的祝福，也没有侍奉他。］

魔鬼又领耶稣到耶路撒冷去，叫他站在殿頂上，對他說：你若是神的兒子，可以從這裡跳下去；

因為經上記著說：主要為你吩咐他的使者保護你； 他們要用手托著你，免得你的腳碰在石頭上。耶穌對他說：經上說：不可試探主─你的神。

［这，更加地提醒我，我曾因认为自己是神的儿女，而觉得不必付出努力，因为神必定会让我及格。］

但是上帝并没有这么做，他要让我看见，有栽种才有收割。最重要的是，他要我顺服。他要我晓得，当我心里接受主耶稣的时候，我的生命就开始不同了。

因为从此我是为上帝而活，而不是为这个世界而活。

妈咪，对不起，我伤害了你，我让你失望。

但是这将会是我人生最大的一门功课。

我现在异常地平静，因为我学会了顺服。

当然，这次，我要说到做到。

It reminds me

I remembered as a child, I woke up 5 a.m in the morning, almost everyday. This was a benefit to stay with grandparents, I lived just like an old folk.

Even before the Sun rose nor the Gallus gallus made the morning call, Grandma started to buzz around for typical household chores.

I would, in my pj's, pacing up and down the front yard, waiting to say hi to my aunt as her school bus passed by. She is a very young cousin of my mother, who is 4 years older than me if I'm not mistaken. She is now pursuing postgraduate in biotechnology field.

While Grandpa, took a stool and sat on it in the front yard, watching the little soul activelty making sound and movements, at the same time, lighted up his first cigarette of the day.

It looked like a cold London night, when dim light of the lamppost shone on just two of us and smoke were seen as he puffed.

You would feel a fascinating silent as you heard school bus engine in distant became louder and louder when it moved towards your direction.

These were those days.

After this, we would frequent Pasar Pagi, the morning market.

Roti canai, chu cheong fan, ta mee were my favourire breakfast.

Weyy, not to forget the typical breakfast here, roti bakar smeared with kaya and half-boiled egg seasoned with soy sauce and pepper. [That was my memory with father.]

However, Mom never gave up on my education. She found the fiercest tuition teacher in my hometown which screwed my morning ever since.

But I enjoyed English class of another tuition teacher where we merely watched Muzzy in Gondoland at her place.

One time before the Mooncake Festival, as usual, lantern and mooncake were sold everywhere.

I stopped by the toy stall and made the Puss in Boats' innocent eyes to plead Grandpa for buying me toys.

Frankly, I wanted the remote controlled wheel loader. But instead, I was squating there, reluctantly to get up just to make Grandpa to buy a Pikachu electronic lantern. *swt*

I wasn't dare to ask for the exact thing I wanted.

But kids are simple. Don't you see? We want toys and we are happy whenever the adults nod their head and pay.

However, as we grow up, we don't get to have things we want anymore. Love, success and etc cannot be bought with money.

Somehow, they were exchanged with sins.

But mostly, we work hard to go for it.

And, we forgot that we should learn to giving more than taking.

Did you give love to people before you ask for it?

Did you love God when you doubt His love for you?

Lost and Be found.

There was a story that hit my mind when I thought it had been wiped away for a long time.

During my primary school years, I remembered it clearly in Standard Four, I moved back to my family and waved goodbye to grandparents.

It was the beginning of the real taste of poverty.

I didn't get to always ask for things like I was used to. I mean, not for things that over budget. There was no 'plenty' in my world anymore. And often, I had to share my snack with another 3 persons. Sharing became part of my life ever since. But it was fun, we always held each other hand and skied at home by wearing two plastic bags on our feet.

But, poverty followed me to school at the same time.

Grandfather didn't support us. He disliked my father.

This was how it happened.

Government/school was giving away free meal for poor students. Our conditions were hard and mother wanted very much for me to get it.

It was the first time I went to my teacher and said I needed one of those cool and bitter noodles.

But people didn't believed that I was poor. I was used to come to school in brand new uniform, white and shinning shoes, new schoolbag and a grandmother that would appear during lunch break with a food package full of delicious food.

And now, I'm going to what? Eating free meals that I don't deserve at all?

There was another girl who applied at the same time and she was one of my playmates.

I remembered teacher asked both of us to stand up.

She rolled her eyes and asked, 'Why do you think that you are eligible?'

The whole class looked at us and waited for our answers.

The girl stayed in an old house. But her father was selling beers and they parked their Proton Waja just across the street. That is all I know.

But people took away my father's Proton Saga as he was not able to pay the installment and he had an old motorcycle which made us to call off our outing trip. I didn't know what he was doing, I only knew his previous job was installing water filterer for people, a water-filterer salesman, I supposed.

I was silent. But I forced myself to tell, 'My father is a salesman. And my house is a rental house.' And I was telling the truth. I didn't add on, my TV is too small for me to watch, my bed is too shallow to give me a good sleep and you could actually ease your back itchiness by scratching it on the wall of my house, it was coarse like the wall of cliff.

And shockingly, the girl gave the same answer, her father was a salesman and her house was a rental house.

Teacher looked at two of us.

And a classmate raised his hand, then pointed to me, 'Teacher, she is telling lies. She is rich. Her grandfather owned a Pajero. She doesn't deserve the free meal at all.' Every other classmates were nodding their heads. No one believes that I am poor. No one really sees when my father was frustrated for not being able to buy meals home.

All they saw was a dishonest girl.

Teacher looked at me with doubt.

I shouted in my heart that it was an accusation, a wrong one. If I was allowed to, if I was rich, I didn't want at all to bow my head and plead for the free meals. But now because I am poor, I have but to do that.

During that time, I considered it as the greatest humiliation I ever had. A date of infamy.

I kept quiet and I grabbed my fist, all I did were tears rolling down my cheeks, without my control.

Well, that girl cried at the same time seeing me doing that.

I wondered, how wicked human would be ever since it was just a little soul.

I didn't want free meal at all if I had choice. But people who are rich, they just don't always feel enough.

And the boy who accused me, looked at me with anger, as if he was doing the right things, he was a hero.

People see me quiet, silent all the times. You just have to understand things I have to bear or a poor people have to bear ever since they were just children.

This is why I hated poverty very much. When you're poor, you have to beg people, you have to nod for whatever people say and you have to see chances taken away.

But that doesn't make me another person. I have my right objectives for what I am doing. If money and fame were to be the factor that build up my determination, I rather give it away.

There is an uncle who financially support me and he wants me to promise him that one day when I succeed, I will help other poor people.

He never knew how much I wanted to help the poor because I can feel how they feel. While helping them, I will make sure they receive the help with respect, I will make sure I don't mistaken a child to be lying and dishonest.

Everyone is unique in their own ways.

I remembered as a child, I came from family of poor. And I always is.

I was difficult to accept the fact after being raised by my grandparents for more than 10 years, that my mother is adopted. And I was difficult to believe that the one who is wealthy is my grandfather, not my father.

And this cat only came out of the bag when I attended the funeral of my real flesh and blood grandmother, with my mother one day when I was Form 2. And I only discovered that I have cousins and they are many.

Grandfather was the closet to me, once. And father, according to grandfather's description, was a gambler, a loser. In my mind, my parents were two monsters I hated very much every time they paid me a visit.

Mother loved her other children. Father was fierce. So, I guessed only my grandparents cared for me.

Until I stayed with them, I knew I was wrong.

Father is the breadwinner of a family of six. Even tough there were so many things happened to my family, despite several quarrels, he never left us like any family drama would be. And whenever he earned more, he would take us for an outing. He is always willing to spend on us. We had been to Birdpark, Taiping Zoo, Botanical Garden, beach and I remembered we were seeking for mall by looking for the balloon they hang in the air, highly in the sky.

I was happy to eat at the food stall, as long as we were one family. I found that we were happier. I got every kind of toy I wanted. A xylophone, a kid lion costume for lion dance, a kid keyboard and of course McD free toys joined the team. Then, father brought in two hamsters for the family, several kois and some green peas.

We were excited when the green peas grew, it felt like an achievement.

Then, we had video games, the one with yellow tape. And slowly, we skipped to PS2.

Father liked Mario Bros and mother was expert in BomberMan. And I loved bumping car on the screen. Sometimes, father paired up with my younger sister in playing Tank.

Our family bond were so strong in the Sega time.

Our wealth were the happiness.

I looked at my neighbour's son and he is dull. His family is rich but they hardly go out together. His father is busy at his factory and he is busy for swimming class, piano lesson and math class. His mother, however, is busy driving him everywhere for class.

And I felt lucky enough that I didn't know any music, any instrument and I couldn't swim.

But I was good at understanding film. In fact, I was lucky to know Mandarin, Cantonese, English and Malay. I watched almost every kind of film including Bollywood and sometimes Mexico. Practically, I knew the difference of the mindsets of people around the world. TV is all I got and all I liked.

I am really sorry for blaming my parents that they don't raise me as someone talented, like a pianist, a violist, a novelist, a ballerina or a squash player. I am really sorry that I was upset that I am just normal like any other child.

But, normal is good eventually I find.

I enjoyed speaking broken English, singing badly and dancing clumsily.

Because I am special of them.

Out of Love

What should I write?

I had been going through hard times. I'm not sure some of you would have that thought popping up to you and say,'This is really not for you.' when you are studying.

Then I had a fight over phone with Mom. And a regret planted.

I told Mom my ambition. But she reminded me few months ago, I told her, 'I really wish to be a doctor'. What if when I felt tough when she gave me a second chance, I would tell her I want to be other thing again? Therefore, I don't have the gut to fight.

I felt appreciated when friends around me were asking, 'Are you okay?'

But the thing was, it wasn't that I'm stressed of study, but the time that limits me and also I lost the combat to fight for my dream.

Doctor is a stable job.

But isn't God say that, 'Do not worry about your life, what you will drink or about your body, what you will wear.' But Mom still kept saying, face the reality.

Then, I understand.

I remembered in previous lecture, a lecturer questioned, 'What is the purpose of life?'

I repeated the question to my friend again and expected her to give some feedback like, 'To study.' That would be very appropriate for this stressful season.

But she answered me sarcastically, 'To be Christian.'

Erm, an answer by a non-Christian who always thinks I'm a very religious person.

I would like to protest, everyone equally-sinned and when they all come in Christ's love, they do what God want as they love God.

There's no 'religious' in Christianity.

God prefer a flexible relationship. We pray, we commit everything to Him, we cast all our anxiety to Him and we don't do things our Father dislike, out of love. Out of the reason that we know this is not 'religious', but this is choosing Him.

A guy said on his blog, 'Ask Jesus to come, prove to me, then I'll be His follower.'

People love to see miracles.

I had a few testimonies in my life too. But God is not a brand, it doesn't mean that you don't buy Him anymore, when things you want do not come. If you seek for why, pray and ask Him.

Out of anger, I became determined.

But I realized, I had done so many things that let God down. Isn't I'm the one who pray to be doctor in future?

God say, 'Seek first my Kingdom and righteousness.'

Yes. Cuz they are more important than anything would be in your life.

Like what James 4:14 says, 'Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.'

I'm not sure I'm good at using examples.

It's just like a board game. The one who invents the board game set up the rules. But none of the players follow it, they think breaking the rule is cool and awesome, instead they listen to the next person who come and intervene the game, so the game is ruined. Only those who follow it, reach the goal.

I'm studying now by faith on Him and prayers.

Not by the concept that, 'Owh, life is so hard. It's my duty to work hard for that. This is life!'

I cherish very much that God love me and pick me. At least, I'm less worried than anyone. But His grace is abound.

And there's something more I wish to share,

1st Corinthians chapter 13,

¹If I speak in the tongues^a]">[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^b]">[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1. 我若能说万人的方言，并天使的话语，却没有爱，我就成了鸣的锣，响的钹一般。

2. 我若有先知讲道之能，也明白各样的奥秘，各样的知识，而且有全备的信，叫我能够移山，却没有爱，我就算不得什么。

3. 我若将所有的赒济穷人，又舍己身叫人焚烧，却没有爱，仍然于我无益。

4. 爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈；爱是不嫉妒；爱是不自夸，不张狂，

5. 不做害羞的事，不求自己的益处，不轻易发怒，不计算人的恶，

6. 不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理；

7. 凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐。

8. 爱是永不止息。先知讲道之能终必归于无有；说方言之能终必停止；知识也终必归于无有。

9. 我们现在所知道的有限，先知所讲的也有限，

10. 等那完全的来到，这有限的必归于无有了。

11. 我作孩子的时候，话语像孩子，心思像孩子，意念像孩子，既成了人，就把孩子的事丢弃了。

12. 我们如今彷佛对着镜子观看，模糊不清（原文作：如同猜谜）；到那时就要面对面了。我如今所知道的有限，到那时就全知道，如同主知道我一样。

13. 如今常存的有信，有望，有爱这三样，其中最大的是爱。