Who to be blamed?

I remembered an article wrote by Liu Yong, a Taiwan novelist who stayed in U.S with his family and his children were educated there. It was taken from the second book I read which written by him, named 'Rebellious Blood' when I was Form 2 and I read it over and over again until Form 4 when internet started to invade my life.

In short, Liu Yong is a writer and an artist. He could paint but I had never seen his paintings. The way he criticized the world with some humor elements made his writing attractive. But I disagreed the part where he doesn't believe in God. In fact, we became proud when we knew too many things which is actually little in God eyes.

I remembered he wrote a story. It was about a prostitute in UK who were humiliated with the description of her customers as 'big boos with small brain'. Eventually she defensed herself by entering a quiz and managed to get number one where she defeated students from Cambridge, Oxford and Stanford. But, she went back to be prostitute, a famous one and her business grew.

The reason she chose to be a hooker was not known. But she had a bad family background, that was the fact. Liu Yong continued to claim, he felt comforted to see his daughter practicing piano at home. He wondered what would happen to her daughter if he didn't become a good father.

And we had our Individual Oral Presentation today. A kinda compulsory test for the English class. Pn.T dropped a very tough topic, 'Infamous person through history'.

I did Hirohito.

But I was inspired to write when majority picked the serial killer as the subject.

Because there is one similar characteristic shared by most of the serial killers or so-called psychopaths, they were all from a sad family background.

They had drunken fathers or perhaps early dying mothers, evil stepfathers or stepmothers.

Liu Yong once raised a question which I point out the gist here.

'Who to be blamed when we had all those social problems causing people? Should we blame them or people who moulded them?'

Like a friend said during the IOP, it's hard to be normal when he had such father.

If we compare, a father who take parenting lesson long before the baby is born and another father who never wish to have a baby when he needed his time for gamble?

We would feel very anxious for the second baby.

As what shown on Desperate Housewife a month ago, [I watched it during convo break], the guy who hit Julie was actually having a drunken mother and a very disturbed childhood and adolescence. His mother was blaming his birth which caused her to end her social life earlier.

So, ultimately, he killed his mother as she pushed him too much by insulting him publicly and not recognized his artistic talent. But I didn't continue watching.

All I know, when we grabbed our fists seeing this kind of bad parents, did we ever notice our role?

There's a common phenomenon where people love assaulting those who looked weird and socially isolated, especially in group. The least they could have done, would be laughing at them and giving them bad nicknames. This is not hard to be found in any school. Cuz these bullies felt offended when weird people, geeks appear in their sight.

They couldn't understand why these people couldn't just act as normal as themselves cuz they never know the depression that hid inside one's heart that he/she had to endure each day.

We are coming from healthy family. Then, we wish to worsen the condition of others. We never knew we are the major factor which develop all those serial killer. You don't even know if this morning your weirdo classmate is beaten by his drunken father again.

Perhaps you never offend any person who looked weird, but we never care for people. We shake head when we see all those murder cases and we sympathize the victims. But at the very initial phase, we never go and ask, or give a pat on the shoulder when we see a down person, always walks lonely who later slowly begins his psychotic acts. It is the environment around him and us who build this up. We are the advocators, but in the exactly opposite way!!!

And it's true, this is a cold world.

Teachers were the worst. Somehow I wished, people became teacher for they really want to do something for the future generations. While canning all those weak and rebellious students, they forget to help them out instead, by finding out their talents. The main purpose to educate is not there, but achieving good grade is everything.

You would say it's rather dangerous to approach these mentally unstable people personally.

Well, often they are fine at the beginning.

You know what, those low competency children weren't really cannot compete. It's just that their confidence is taken away by misery.

Adult can really encourage them by placing them at important position, giving them chance to learn and at the same time felt respected by the society.

It's life, but not always a competition. I see some of the people who stress too much on win and lose, ruin the whole game. Outstanding children were often chosen. We forgot that it's teamwork.

In Christian, we believe it's satanic work. People hear sound, see things, being given order to kill......these are all driven by demon. And if a family is to be broken down or having mentally ill members, it should be a curse.

But, God can change that.

But how would these people get comfort or know about God when we, the Christians never give a damn? When we never care for the needy?

I'm constantly reminding myself for that.

It's not that you see the chance to spread gospel and being so excited to read him/her the whole Bible.

But you should be a good listener and while giving advice, show God's love to a person.

Don't feel that the world is covered by dark, but instead seeking light from God.

Differentiation [not math]

I always wanted JPA as I need money to spend. I even planned for it. I'm thinking that after getting the money, I'll get myself an android, my sister a laptop and perhaps Astro that showed NG, DC for my sister and the Hokkien channel for my father. Father loves Hokkien drama. Then the rest of the money would be kept by mother. I planned that.

Would it be enough?

I never want to think about it.

However, I didn't apply JPA. Father wished to sponsor me for some reasons. And I guessed that all my plans would be canceled, not because that he didn't approve what would I do with the fund, but this time I'm getting FAMA, so I would like to use it wisely as I know I'm depriving family sources.

*FAMA=Father and Mother scholarship

It's just that Chinese made a phrase, '身不由己', meaning environment is taking over us.

This is why just now, when I asked again to myself why would I want to be a doctor, I'm shocked that the answer is so against the principles I'm holding steadfastly.

Maybe people will suggest me, when seeing me suffering now with all those medical terms that I don't even hear some of those, to let go the course and no grudges for doing things.

But amazingly, that mentality would never come to me, I can assure. As I always knew that God is with me. Taking from a forwarded email from a friend, 'When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities;
when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.'

That's just made me feel better!

Everything look tough. I'm just an ex-matric-physical student who is currently challenging myself to be collegue of STPM, A-Level and Matric Bio students who know what is TCA.

But I continue after I remind myself, 'God is with you.'

If I failed, there must be a reason. But the climax is not here, it's at the part where I'm willing to repeat the year and continue without feeling ashamed but instead knowing that I've tried my best.

And back to the question I posted to myself,

my answer were just, I want to be a doctor, I want to have money, I want to buy a house for my family, a farm, a few sheep and cows where my brothers could ride freely on the field and I want to give them the best of everything I can.

Then, I want to care for the poor, the widow and the orphan, that's what God wants.

But you see that I made the family first.

I suppose, it's also a reminder to some of you, don't make a principle a deadlock, like one of my friend said in his blog.

Instead, enjoy life. Cuz I have no affordability to think for the world first when the people I need to care for the most were just right in front of me.

Like if you ask me, why are you so happy to go to church?

I can't just merely answer that I enjoy so much the praise and worship for God. And my principle to be happy worshiping God brought me there. No. Definitely no.

I would like to tell, it's the day when I get to have good meal when I go to church cuz it's near to KB mall.

It's true.

But the most important part would be, I felt peace inside the House of Lord. When, everything that upset me in the whole week were thrown away. That's come with my enjoying of the worshiping.

Principle is not involved.

And that would be a new me? A time when this undifferentiated side differentiate?

Other people?

People are confused on street, or like everywhere.

Let say, if you try to hide some knowledge from your colleagues, so that you feel better than them. You think it helps your confidence and secures you. But at first, you wouldn't plan some concept in your mind, 'Other people are doing that too, why can't I?', so that there's no guilt for you to show a little selfishness, doing something exactly just for yourSELF.

Don't you think while other people doing that, I mean, being selfishy, they are having the same thought like you in their minds too? They would also think, 'Why can't I? Other people are doing that too.'

If everyone were to think other people are doing that, who exactly are 'the other people?' Ask yourself, would they just appear to be a projection of your subconscious?

If there are really 'other people' who start the whole things first, you just tend to follow the trend, then who would be those who start the whole things out? Or it just the little evil inside you give you the key for the door of sin?

Main point: Can we make a difference?

Mother gave me some really supportive words that I would like to share here.

She said, 'Things God ask us to do sometimes confused you cuz it seems to be just the opposite of how the world goes around. God said, 'If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.' So that he can strike my another cheek? And God even said, 'If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.'

She said,'You would wonder. What is this? How could I do that? Other people don't do that. They punch their enemies back, if it happens to be them being punched. But it ends up, what He told us to do are the Truth and the right things we had done.'

You might say, 'It's hard. We can't change the world.'

But God can make the difference.

I still remember a Pastor said in the last two Christian Fellowship, 'Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.'

I see that some people still haven't really understand the world had be fallen to two part, real world and the spiritual world, Christians are unaware of that. Often we love to stroll along the line between the light side and the dark side and sometimes closing an eye when we curi-curi step one foot to the dark side.

Furthermore, I hated to hear people say, 'This is the reality.' I often questioned, 'Who are you to define reality?' Are you the 'other people' whom other people had been following?

I know, it had been confusing.

So, God has made the simplest way for us. Why not follow it?

By the way, remember to smile always.

Kerana Nila Sebelanga

Let's take a review on a portion of USM APEX medical student because I felt like I had the worst ever English class in my whole life this morning.

It might sound boring that we were writing reports today, but in groups. Pn.T handed us some newspaper like The Star and New Strait Times to grab some material from it. I was excited for it when it came to having to touch the issue on the outside world.

This is all about my group member. One was late. So, two of them first chosen the UPSR and PMR topics when I had to remind them to pick something more interesting like 'Country Bleeding Sand'.

It was a topic about illegal sand mining in Malaysia and the article was reporting how those criminals worked things out and at the same time left damage to our country. They agreed with what I suggested by saying 'cincai la...' which means 'whatever'.

I was kinda offended with that when I saw the irresponsible attitude made by one member.

In short, the article is all about people using bribes, sexual favors and threat with gun to make their smuggling of sand outside a success despite ban from government on export of commodity. There are effects like the damage to animal habitat, deforestation, soil erosion and even sand storm when there are defects on mining process, maklumlah they are illegal.

I was the one who hold the pen and wrote but I didn't really get to decide what to be written down.

We skipped some frustrated part and just talked about the recommendations part. In a report, we actually need to recommend some solutions for the problem we issued.

Member A and B were discussing about it. And this is what they get.

Imposed heavier fine. To who? By who? I was wondering. Of course, expectantly it's by the authorities to those who committed it. But hey bro, now the problem is, authority is receiving bribes and they are closing an eye for what had happened.

And do you know what they reply me? Member A said, 'So, impose heavier fine on those who accept bribes lor.' Pheww...I don't think things always work by just imposing fine, fine, fine!

Then while I was asking member B for solution, he said, 'I think the major problem now is that Malaysian always talk talk talk only but they don't talk action. So, I think they should take action.' [Owh, that's the solution?] I think you are doing the same as what you said, talk, talk and talk.

Imagine, when we tried to work out the report, Member A just sat there, playing with his whatever expensive model cellphone and then read his own newspaper. One word, disrespect.

And Member C taught me a new word today, detrimental. I appreciated that. But when I asked her about the effects of the illegal sand mining, all she could say were just 'detrimental effect'. But she hardly could explain or to elaborate what was on the newspaper.

You know what, the problems are here. Learning language is different. It doesn't mean that you are superior when you know more vocab or spell something better than me. It's flexible and unpredictable. There are might be some words which I know, but you don't know.

What I try to stress on is, language comes with the origin speaker's culture. Like when you speak English, you should at the same time, possess the white culture where they respect people and they have amazing thinking skill on how to tackle a problem and solve it.

But this is lacking in here when people speak English to uplift their status and at the same time, they give up their mother language to adopt the former one.

That is not how the world goes around.

I didn't mean it for everyone. In fact, there are few students who are in the same English class did amazingly great and their desire to pursue knowledge stunned me.

And a friend of mine, Daniel who is also a bright student that currently takes law can be very critical when it comes to Malaysian issues, but indeed truthful.

Meanwhile, a website called loyarburok had opened my door to more wonderful Malaysian students.

So, Malaysia is actually boleh!!! It's just kerana nila sebelanga when majority of us care more about our own benefits.

One word, lame.

I'm not a coward or whatsoever to write it here instead of just telling them how I feel because I don't like to judge them to their faces, possibly, harmony always preserved.

Next post would be Ken Watanabe who ignited my interest again on filming by listening to his talk in CNN today.

God is good.

attempt to call Mom and say, 'I love you, God loves you too.'

Cuz this is the joy I have everyday when I humble myself and obey Him.

God is good.