Trials are good

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. [James Chapter 1]

I still remember years ago, when I looked at the verses, they reassureed me and gave me hope that the trials of many kinds I'm facing are to produce perseverance from testing my faith. I remembered our condition were so bad that after I failed my exam and went back home, I have to help out with picking up palm fruits everyday(we help to collect those palm fruits on the ground and sold it to owner). I remembered those days are fruitful days.

Everyday, I squatted down at the oil palm plantation, picking up fruits while letting the work numbed my pain of failing the exam, failing my family, failing myself. The future was uncertain at first. In a way, I reflected alot myself inside the plantation. Sometimes we went separately to different places, so I was alone, in a quiet environment, and I make use of the solitude to talk to God, to repent. Sometimes it was scorching hot, I sweat so much. But I was satisfied. Especially when I accidentally discover a bunch of palm fruits, chilly red in colour, big and juciy, screaming at me, "Come pick me up!". Then sometimes when it was so hot, suddenly there's a breeze coming by just to cool me down. And I would say, "God, thank you."

God was so near then. And I'm so close to Him, unwilling to let go. I remembered when I found Him at the time, its the time I discover Abba the Father after 2 years becoming a believer. I spent days and nights, reading the Bible, reading Christian books. I woke up to worship, to prayer, to devotion. The first thing I asked in a day was, 'What does He want me to do today?' That's the time when I get the strongest calling of studying medical, but now that calling slowly faded away.

James was right. Trials of many kinds was good for me. Certainly.

But somehow, as time goes by, things are getting a little bit comfortable until I am having less and less prayer request. So I'm turning from a person in verse2-5 into that person in verse 6-8.

The God I once called Father becomes a total stranger to me. I couldn't hear His voice and I couldn't see His face. "Jesus, I love you, " I said, with my lips, but not my heart. Thousand of times, I repented, but then I fell back to idolatry, to the pleasure of world that ruined my relationship with God. The bridegroom that I once committed to, once promised to love forever, now I had committed an affair in front of Him.

I was like the prodigal Son. I wanted to decide on my own for my life. And then I realized that it doesn't work at all. Life becomes messed up when I take on control myself. And I started to miss the days that my condition was so bad that I had to rely on God. And I realized that they weren't bad at all, they were blessing. Because, the more comfortable I am, the further I am away from God.

Hurt and Forgiveness

Today God brought so much peace to my heart, that He prompted me with this question, "Why aren't you letting go of the hurt?"

Hurt had since been my company when I began to understand people's speech or action to me.

And all these years, how I deal with hurt was to try as much as possible to forget it by indulging in those things that I shouldn't be. These things had been driving me away from God, His voice had become softer in my ears, His Word were blurry in my mind and the throne in my heart was given to something else.

The hurt since my childhood until today, were made by no more than family I loved and trusted, friends I cherished and even church I looked upon to. And I realized that by pretending to be strong, that what they had done wasn't a big deal at all or simply pass it away by a humour weren't helping.

And God is telling me, "Rachel, you are not being yourself, the one I had created."



And I argued with God, "These people that I had loved and trusted so much, why would they hurt me with abusive words, lies and even betrayal? How could they have done all these to me? And most importantly, why aren't they feeling sorry for what they had done? All I ask was just a simple word, a sincere apologizy."

Then I realized, I realized Jesus Christ was hurt far more than me, the hurt that He bore, the betrayal by His beloved disciple, shamed, beaten and crucified by the very own people that He loved, and He came to teach me this very lesson, that only by forgiveness, the love that found in this forgiveness could cover over a multitude of sins, and this love had also broke down the wall between God and us, and God so loved us that He had sacrified Jesus Christ in order to be reconciled with us.

And as I cried out on the hurt I had been felt all these years, I was hugged by God's very own nail-pierced hands, telling me that, "I am here with you."

Then it reminded me, God waited long enough than me for the people He loved to feel sorry and who am I to be in position of choosing not to forgive, to hate and to judge.

And I just want to said this to all who had been felt hurt and was exhausted of keeping this away from people by wearing a mask, though you may look strong outwardly, you inner is broken and it can only be healed by Jesus Christ who had once broken for us.

Psalm 37 and 73

A friend of mine(a non-Christian), during the meal, claimed that some of the friends which both of us know, were being very ingenuine and pretending. They were Christians.

Surprisingly, I wasn't defending these friends but instead I agreed with what the friend had said. I'm still wasn't sure what was right to do then but certainly one of it was not defending them. I need to let my friend know that I viewed Christian and Christ differently. Most of the Christian would avoid this topic, because they were afraid of being thought as if they were judging their brothers and sisters and it would bring shame to the Lord's name. But the question is, can Lord ever be let down by people? And second question, does He even recognize these people to be representative of Him in their words and actions?

What I would like to share here tonight was, what can we do when we are hurt by people especially Christians? Those whom you called brothers and sisters in the church, whom hold your hand and claimed that nothing can separate the fellowship between you and him/her, could come out from the church and stab you in the back. Allow me to be bold in saying this, the blood stained in their hands were both Jesus' and yours. They nailed Jesus yet again on the cross when they reacted selfishly to you, and they could make your heart bleed with as simple as one word using their twisted tongues. (Hebrew 6:6 and Proverbs 18:21)

Just as 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 had said, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

 My mother was once having struggles in relationship with family of her sides and also some people from the church. But Psalm 37 and 73 brought light into the midst of disappointment. The number is easy to remember 37 and 73, she told me, the verses which she wanted me to read when I shared my story of struggles to her. King David happened to have similar problems as us but what he did next was...marvelous, he turned to God, and God had made him to understand that if God had become the most important person in your life, all these wave-and-go persons, things they done to you wasn't a big deal at all. In fact, Nick Vujicic had also experienced God's grace which later he was called to bring comfort to so many people with his presence, talk and also written books.

Psalm 37^[a]

Of David.

¹ Do not fret because of those who are evil
    or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
    like green plants they will soon die away.

³ Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
    your vindication like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
    when they carry out their wicked schemes.

⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
    do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
    but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

¹⁰ A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
    though you look for them, they will not be found.
¹¹ But the meek will inherit the land
    and enjoy peace and prosperity.

¹² The wicked plot against the righteous
    and gnash their teeth at them;
¹³ but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
    for he knows their day is coming.

¹⁴ The wicked draw the sword
    and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
    to slay those whose ways are upright.
¹⁵ But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
    and their bows will be broken.

¹⁶ Better the little that the righteous have
    than the wealth of many wicked;
¹⁷ for the power of the wicked will be broken,
    but the Lord upholds the righteous.

¹⁸ The blameless spend their days under the Lord’s care,
    and their inheritance will endure forever.
¹⁹ In times of disaster they will not wither;
    in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

²⁰ But the wicked will perish:
    Though the Lord’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
    they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.

²¹ The wicked borrow and do not repay,
    but the righteous give generously;
²² those the Lord blesses will inherit the land,
    but those he curses will be destroyed.

²³ The Lord makes firm the steps
    of the one who delights in him;
²⁴ though he may stumble, he will not fall,
    for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

²⁵ I was young and now I am old,
    yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
    or their children begging bread.
²⁶ They are always generous and lend freely;
    their children will be a blessing.^[b]

²⁷ Turn from evil and do good;
    then you will dwell in the land forever.
²⁸ For the Lord loves the just
    and will not forsake his faithful ones.

Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed^[c];
    the offspring of the wicked will perish.
²⁹ The righteous will inherit the land
    and dwell in it forever.

³⁰ The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
    and their tongues speak what is just.
³¹ The law of their God is in their hearts;
    their feet do not slip.

³² The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
    intent on putting them to death;
³³ but the Lord will not leave them in the power of the wicked
    or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

³⁴ Hope in the Lord
    and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
    when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.

³⁵ I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
    flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
³⁶ but he soon passed away and was no more;
    though I looked for him, he could not be found.

³⁷ Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
    a future awaits those who seek peace.^[d]
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
    there will be no future^[e] for the wicked.

³⁹ The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord;
    he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
⁴⁰ The Lord helps them and delivers them;
    he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
    because they take refuge in him.

I felt the key of Psalm37 is to acknowledge that God is there. David had known this. And thus he said in the Psalm, do not fret for the evil will soon wither like the grass. He warned that if we are angry, it may lead us to evil. It's true that sometimes we would find ways to commit vengence in the same way these wicked people had done. But what had make us to be different from them? Again, in this Psalm, David said, turn from evil and do good. If we acknowledge that God will handle these wicked people, we actually acknowledge His right as Judge. Our righteousness doesn't come from the world, it comes from God. Our God who looks at our hearts instead of appearance (1st Samuel 16:7) will see that we take delight in Him and thus gives us what our hearts desire. No matter how much praise you received from the world, how much success you achieved, eventually you come back to God, you come back to His judgement and by the time you stand before Him, you answer to Him what had you done all these while, that's why people who were afraid of this day, were reluctant to accept that He is there. Some thought otherwise and thought what they had been doing would be easily forgiven, which Jesus would said to them eventually like the verse in Matthew 7:22.

And Psalm 73 talks about a man who was angry with God for he had mistaken that God doesn't care about all these issues as he sees the wicked still living happily(but not ever after).

But then this angry guy calmed down and said, 

16 When I tried to understand all this,
    it troubled me deeply
¹⁷ till I entered the sanctuary of God;
    then I understood their final destiny.

  

He realized his mistake of misunderstanding God as he now knew that God will eventually pay back for what those people had done. And so he repented.

21When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.

Question is, wasn't God is forgiving? God is forgiving all the time. But do these people repent of what they had done? Acts 3:19 says this: ¹⁹ Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,...

Our God wasn't ignorant, in fact He is a God who has lived on this earth and endured trauma, temptation, bereavement, torture, hunger, thirst, persecution and even execution. The cross of Christ can be regarded as the ultimate manifestation of God’s justice. When asked how much God cares about the problem of evil and suffering, He can point to the cross and say, “That much.” Christ experienced rejection from God, saying, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” He experienced the same suffering as many people do today who are feeling isolated from God’s favor and love. (gotquestions.org)

When I read Psalm 37, it was as if God is talking to me using the psalm David written. And Psalm 73 brought me to repentance of being angry with God all these time.

Those wicked who wasn't repenting, who would soon wither like grass, shouldn't be in your way. Ask this same question from Galactians 5:7,

"You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth?"

No one should be. And beware of not to be tempted to do the same as them but remember that God will bless those who honor Him with their actions and words.

Lastly, let me end with this parable,

The Parable of the Weeds

²⁴ He put another parable before them, saying, “The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a man who sowed good seed in his field, ²⁵ but while his men were sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds^[a] among the wheat and went away. ²⁶ So when the plants came up and bore grain, then the weeds appeared also. ²⁷ And the servants^[b] of the master of the house came and said to him, ‘Master, did you not sow good seed in your field? How then does it have weeds?’ ²⁸ He said to them, ‘An enemy has done this.’ So the servants said to him, ‘Then do you want us to go and gather them?’ ²⁹ But he said, ‘No, lest in gathering the weeds you root up the wheat along with them. ³⁰ Let both grow together until the harvest, and at harvest time I will tell the reapers, Gather the weeds first and bind them in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my barn.’”

 

Before I knew God

At some point of our lives, we found Him. Whether you are already born into a Christian family and you went to your church's kindergarten, you had known all the animals that went into Noah's ark, or you found this Christian roomate in your campus who had been telling you about Jesus, and her act of kindness moved you to want to know this Nazarens more, or there is this Christian boss in your workplace who is considerate whenever you said you need to take a leave for some reasons and he asked of his Christian employees to pray together every morning before they start working, and that makes you wonder, or its just one typical Sunday, where you're on your way to nowhere, thinking about all the problems you had and you wonder what life is and you passed this church where you hear their singing, "Jesus is all the world to me,..."

At some point of our lives, we found Him.

But the Bible said, its not that we found Him, but He found us.

And I always had this question with me. Before I know Christ, did He know me? Is He there with me, when I was not even a Christian?

And I think the answer is yes. He watched over me. He knew my every move and every step. He is the One who formed me when I was in my mother's womb. Embryology, until now is still a mystery, and those stories that we discovered about fetus, they happened in an amazing way. There's no way this can be occurred by chance. There's no way you are going to tell, life which is such an amazing noun, was created by an explosion.

Before I knew God, at such young age of 11, because of the problem and stress I faced, I already started to have thoughts of giving up my life. Thinking back now, I knew God was there with me. He sent me an angel, which is surprisingly a dog, one day coming to our house as a puppy and ever since became my best friend. I named the dog Coco and I played with Coco everyday. Whenever something bothers me, I would tell Coco. Without my knowing, the depression inside me slowly faded away. And surprisingly, I managed to get a good result and when I proceeded to secondary school, I became motivated to study. And before that, I thought I was going to stop going to school.

And today if you tell me that science said pet is good to help with warding off depression. I would said that is true. But who know that during that time? Does my parents know that and buy me a puppy? Or do I know that and purposely search for a puppy on street? But God knows that and Coco came because God sent it as a messenger of Love.

And now that I know the Father who is always care for me. Sometimes, when hard times hit us and blinded us and made us think that God doesn't care nor He was not there, think of the blessings He had given you. Count the blessings one by one. And you will realized that He is always faithful and true who never forsake us. The dark time where you cried and think you're alone, He is there with you. The victorious times where you got up the stage to receive the award, He is there to cheer for you.

Because life isnt about what you had done for Him, its about your transformation in Christ as you walked this journey with Him.

The Small Things and The Heart

I remembered when I first became Christian, I wrote a song for God.  My mother was so happy about it that one day when the pastor and his wife came to visit us, she forced me to sing it before them . Sadly, the pastor wasn't really impressed by it. He said a few nice words about it but he went on to another topic of conversation. And so I kept the song in the "drawer". Until now, I couldn't remember what I had written.

It was a long time since I came back to blog again. And I always do not know what to write. But today the reminder of this event made me want to blog again. Because if this song was to be written today, I wouldn't toss it aside anymore. Because I had known the One I am trying to worship and please with is my God.

Of course, back then, I was writing the song for God also. But I was inclined to take what people thought of me as what God would think of me. I believe many of us as a Christian today, we still seek approval from people. And sometimes we think God would accept us just like the way people would accept us.

So when people look down on the small things we've done for God, we tend to think God has the same feeling as well. We tend to think saying good morning to a lecturer or giving a smile to an office staff wasn't a big thing, wasn't big enough to impress God. It had to be some revival of some places after we prayed or after we went there for a mission, THAT, THAT was going to IMPRESS God.

But God never look down on small things. If God were to do that, Jesus Christ would have laughed at the boy who brought Him five loaves and two fishes and said, "Oh boy, how naive you are, how are these going to feed the five thousands?" That's exactly what we always think of ourselves when we think the gifts we brought to altar was too little compared to what were being brought by others. But remember, God always multiply what we had just as Jesus fed the five thousands with five loaves and two fishes(John 6:1-14).

One of the characters of God that attracted me, amazed me and wonderstruck me was He told us Himself, "I am not like man, I do not look at the appearance, I look at the heart."(1st Samuel 16:17)

It's the heart that matters. Today if you think the things you were doing for Him was too little, inspect your heart and see whether the only reason you do it was for Him.

If God were to look at the appearance, He wouldn't pick a fisherman to be His disciple and do mighty works for Him.

If God were to look at the appearance, He wouldn't humble an educated, high ranked Pharisee who threw away all that he had and said that the only gain he wants is Christ(Philippians 3).

If God were to look at the appearance, He wouldn't incarnate Himself into a carpenter's family.

So do not expect from God like what you would expect from a man.

Dreams to do big thing for Him, but at the same time do not look down on the small things you've done.

Lastly, I would like to end with this verse;

" Truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her." (Matthew 26:6-13)

This is what Jesus Christ had said of a sinful woman who had wiped His feet with her hair and perfume she brought.