Dedicated to my Grandfather

As I was in front of my computer screen, I couldn't really think of a word. I guessed I hadn't been able to comprehend the fact that someone I knew, someone that once had been so close to me is gone. Gone in a sense that you couldn't wake up one day and thought that you can have breakfast with him or invite him to your graduation ceremony or let him see what you do for your job or at least behave in a way that he wouldn't have to be worried for you anymore.

I was told by my father, that perhaps grandfather could hang in there for so long because he was waiting for me to come and say the last goodbye. And as I walked through the door of ICU ward and I saw him, supported by all these life machine, there was a hole on his leg where the bone was visible(according to my mother), most of his hair were shed off, he was many years older than the person few months ago. And I couldn't stop crying. I didn't know what were the last conversation we could have. My grandfather wasn't able to talk very much. All he was doing was giving response, yes or no. And I thought that at least, at least I made it, I made it to see him for the last time. And I said, "Grandpa, I had decided to try my best in doing my studies and hoping that I will be a doctor one day." "Good." That was all I heard but it was a word that reminded me of all the advice from my grandfather last time which he had been wishing to impact my life, to see me grow into a disciplined person. And all these happened on the day before he passed away.

During the years I stayed with my grandparents, I was rarely beaten by him because grandfather was hoping to reason with me about every situation instead of teaching me a lesson with just a stick and some cries. Yet in the last normal conversation I had with my grandfather, it was a confused grandchild in a depressed manner and a grandfather who was wishing very much from his heart that he could see me walking in the right path.

Grandfather was a person of strong will. He chose to drop out of school and worked for the living of his two parents and 12 other siblings. At the age of 12, he was already fishing the crabs to earn money. He told me that during the last time when their family was so poor, he had to hang the salted fish on the dinner table and by looking at the fish without eating it to finish his rice. Because of the story in his past, that he had been looked down by people even when he was buying groceries where people would ask first whether he had brought money with him, these pasts had molded my grandfather into a person which with very strong determination and he was able to make a good living for himself and his family today.

And so, he chose to go on with the surgery even when the doctor had been telling that the survival rate is not high. And while he was on the bed, kept alive by the machine, he still tried to move and exercise his injured leg, never gave up a hope of life!

I do not know about the feeling of the young people out there. But I need to say this, no matter what kind of difficulties that come to us, we could either let them beat us down or we let them making us stronger. And many times, our young people chose to end their lives, leaving behind confused and depressed parents yet not knowing that on the other side of the world, people were not giving up till the last breath.

In a world flooded with all kinds of social networks, communication had been made so easy and yet so simplified. Often we thought we could always get back to a person when we have time later. But things do not happen according to our plans. And we do not seek to love a person only after he/she is gone. Therefore, may you appreciate the time to be with your family and loved ones now.

And what I had been written here today couldn't measure up a portion what I had felt for my grandfather. I felt thankful for being loved by him, I felt thankful for having him in my life.

And it was raining when my grandfather passed away. And I was wondering why every time someone I know is gone, it will rain. And it reminded me of Jesus Christ crying when Lazarus was dead. And it reminded me that God loves every soul and He understand how I feel and also how every other person feel when they lost their family. And most important of all, He loves us so much that He is willing to give up His Son to save us. (John 3:16)

Grandpa, may you rest in peace.

Called To Be Different

Your actions represent more than you.

Recently I discovered this page by a Pastor named Jarrid Wilson and I'm very blessed by his posts on facebook and also his blog.

There is one particular post that I think, God had been using it through him to remind many of us Christians including myself about how we should really live like a child of God.

But before the post, there is one status in his facebook that could be the opening of what I'm going to share today.

"If you claim to be a Christ follower, remember that your actions represent more than just YOU. Don't reflect an image contrary to Jesus."

-Jarrid Wilson

Let's see if there's any familiar situation here;

1. One morning you are reading Bible in a coffee shop, then people start flooding in, some see you with the Bible and start giving you that strange look.  Well now, the Satan can easily use insecurity to attack you. You will start to have thoughts like this, 'Maybe I should have find a more secluded place. Maybe I should have put my Bible back in my bag. Maybe I should have read the verses on my phone.' You have all these thoughts simply you had been taught by the world that reading a Bible in a public place is something abnormal. (This is some gist from Jarrid's post)

2. You might have some gathering with your non-believer friends. Then, they plan to watch a movie. The title is 'Hangover', a movie displaying a lot of sex messages together with a lot of f' words. You are going to refuse, but then you think this might just annoy your friend for acting "holy".

3. Your lecturer is trying to display some sex or idol worshiping videos in the lecture as for understanding the topic according to him/her. Can you decide to leave the class?

4. Your friends is inviting you to their religious events. You have decided to go simply for the reason you thought it would be easier for you to invite them to Christian event next time.

The fourth one is a real struggle to some of the friends. But to be honest, this is simply a lie from the Satan. By going to your friend's religious events aren't going to help him/her to know better about the gospel instead this action just prove that you are agreed with the concept, 'Every religion is the same, you worship yours, I worship mine and then we all go to heaven together.'

5. This fifth one had happened to me. There is a time where I decided to stop blogging about Christianity simply because I had bought the lie that I didn't deserve to do so and this would offend my friends, let it be Christian or non-Christian.

Actually this evening I just went to the prayer meeting. And then some issues were brought up. In the middle of the sharing conversation, a brother kindly told us that he was asked by his friends to clarify some facts for his friend's religion. It might be as if this brother was of good intention, not wanting his friends to have any bad impression on Christians. But we can actually refuse that, in fact we must! If we did helped clarifying certain facts about other religion, we are representing a stand against the Bible. We might answer nicely to our friends, 'If anyone has any doubt with your religion, I hope you confront them yourself.'

It's time we take a stand and set ourselves apart rather than giving people a blur lens to see Christians and wonder if every road leads to Roman.

Some of our non-believer friends would feel very disturbed with the fact that only Christians can go to Heaven and the rest not. Questions would be raised.

I think the best we could do is by telling them, 'My friend, we do not define it this way. First of all, do you think you are able not to commit even a single sin in your lifetime? If you die tomorrow, do you have enough confidence to pass the judgment of God? This is the time when grace come in, that Jesus actually die on the cross to bear our sin and shame. A sinless man die for a friend to wash away his sins. How good is that?! That is why Christian are not saved by religion, but by grace and through faith. And because of love, God is offering us to be together with Him in the Heaven despite all the dirt in our life. Because in Christ, we are made new!'

Well, if any Christian would have tell the gospel in this way, 'It's because we get to go to Heaven and you're not.' I would doubt his understanding of his belief. Let's say if, I say if, there is another religion offering ticket to Heaven yet allowing the believer to do all kinds of sins, would he switch?

We should know that we are attracted to Christ not merely by His salvation, His promise to let us dwell in the Heaven but the love that the Father have for us fulfill our purpose to be created. We are created to enjoy His presence.

In fact, through gospel we do not bring a person to a secure place in Heaven, instead we are bringing him/her to their Creator who had longed to be with them long time ago.

I think if we are to wear a cross around our neck, we have to made the symbol before our chest real in our lives. To be honest, there are many times I stumbled to join in the gossips or discussion about the latest movie or song which do not glorify God at all. 

I was ashamed of myself and disappointed too when Christians were so attracted to the hot new worldly event, that they talked more about it than Jesus.

The recent Oppa Gangnam style was a hit. But how many of us would think that this is actually a meaningless video which might taken our eyes from Jesus and our time from God's words?

I think our words and our actions matter every day. The moment you claimed yourself as a Christ follower, you are starting roles as representative and ambassador of Christ.

People might just call you Jesus Freak. But how God sees you and how you please God is your life goal not the other way.

Beware of those actions that you thought it would be leaving a good impression on people but a wrong interpretation of Christ.

Lastly, let this verse encourage you and me to live out a life that glorify our God's name.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:2

Why The World Has to Imagine?

The part which attracted my attention, of this closing ceremony of Olympics in London was when late John Lennon appeared on the screen singing his song, 'Imagine'.

John Lennon had started his song with this,

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today

John Lennon was a man who search for the truth. His failure of finding the truth made him come out with the song 'God' which said the only person he would want to believe was himself.

Is it really so? In fact John Lennon was so proud at a moment that he said, 'Beatles is bigger than God.' Later, he explained that he simply means their music might have affected the youth more than Christ. This might have been true at the moment and if we see the phenomenon going on even nowadays, young people are more interested in the entertainment than Christ and you might be shocked to see those group includes children from Christian family.

Later on, John regretted what he said, at a time when he was tired of his addiction to drug, he had asked help from one of the most influential evangelists, Oral Roberts by writing to him, 

"The point is this, I want happiness. I don't want to keep on with drugs. Paul told me once, 'You made fun of me for taking drugs, but you will regret it in the end.' Explain to me what Christianity can do for me. Is it phoney? Can He love me? I want out of hell."

Oral Roberts sent him a long response, giving him a copy of his book Miracle of Seed Faith and a detailed explanation of God’s love for him. In the second letter, Roberts said, (excerpts)

I thank God that you see this, John, and finally regret thinking any man or group could be more popular than Jesus. Jesus is the only reality. It is Jesus who said "I am the way, the truth, and the life." So, you see, your statement that because of your hard background you've never wanted to face reality is actually really saying you've never wanted to face our loving Lord. What I want to say, as I tried to say in my other letter, is that Jesus, the true reality, is not hard to face. He said, "Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. … For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." You said, John, that you take drugs because reality frightens you. Remember as you open your life to Jesus, He will take all the fear away and give you peace. Peace that passes all understanding.

Surprisingly, I should say, Imagine is a song with a really important message. It was a expression from the world that it hates religion, country and materialism because these three things had caused pain to so many people. John Lennon wish to imagine that there is this perfect idea, where these three things are gone from the world, and the world is once again in peace because people love each other and are united. And he do realized that this is just a dream but he thought if everyone shared this one similar dream, it might come true.

He might go with a good starting point, but he didn't know that Jesus think rather the same at the idea of people loving each other. It is actually possible for people to love each other with them acknowledged that they are first loved by Christ. And isn't that religion, country and even materialism aren't something that God want for the world? Of course as Christian, we believe there are heaven and hell, we go to church every Sunday, we obey the ten commandments but for the sake of what reason, we are doing these in our lives? What does God really want us to have in mind when we are living our life by prayer and reading Bible? Do we think of Him or just ourselves feeling good for being 'holy'?

This makes me kind of wonder myself, am I living in a religion or in a relationship with Christ? Does Jesus ever attempt to make this whole thing a religion and make his people religious? If we look at the book of Gospel, whether it was healing on the Sabbath (a major taboo in religious circles), dining with sinners or preaching messages of love and forgiveness, Christ didn't always please the religious establishment of His day.

My question was the world has expressed its hurt today(if it isn't, there wouldn't be so much people responded to Beatles' songs and to other artists) and what can Christians do about this, in what way can we tell the world Jesus is the answer to all these pain?

I think one of the reason that people's heart refuse the knock of Christ was they refused to accept the reality. They refused to accept that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. In fact, they doesn't want to admit that the world is sick, they want to be on their own, they want to revive the world themselves. But that could never be done.

In fact, how have we presented Christ to the world, is there any misrepresentation? The moment we couldn't hide our expression when we see a tattoo guy walking into church, the moment we refused to help a widow because she is not a Christian, the moment the rich and poor Christians separate themselves into group, the moment where we all became the priest who passed by on the other side when seeing a man half-dead on the road, after being robbed...... Would it be this attitude that incurred  the doubt of people on God's love?

I think we are victim of our own imperfection and self-reflection has to be made time to time because there is a reason Christian became uptight and hypocrite in world's eyes. But, as the apostle John noted, a key to becoming effective in reaching the lost is this prayer: “He must become greater; I must become less" (John 3:30, NIV).

resources: John Lennon: One of Jesus' "Biggest Fans"

John Lennon's Born-Again Phase

The Dark Knight Rises in this World

In this August, cinema was flooded with piles of new films and most of them are good makings which guaranteed high box office.

I had brought my brother to these three movies, The Amazing Spiderman, Total recall and the newest and maybe last Batman movie by Christopher Nolan with a super cool name, Batman: The Dark Knight Rises.

The dialogue, the acting, the actions, narration, story lines was almost perfect to a person like me who was serious in choosing movies. Surprisingly, I was the rare type of Batman 3 audience who didn't really watch Batman 1 and 2.

It was sure unique in its own ways. I remembered I used to watch the Batman Animations, it was always villains like Joker, Riddle or Penguin who plan another chaos while the officers couldn't handle but Bat had to come and stop it. But for Christopher Nolan's Batman, the people of the city actually joined in the villain and it was a big riot. The Gotham city has presented various kind of evil reflected in various walks of life. I nodded when Bruce Wayne in the movie said, "The charity dinner are for the purpose of feeding those rich wives' ego." 

At the beginning, story circles around Bane who started his plan by first trapping all the police forces underground and then he began to release the prisoners and roamed the city with all his followers. Those who are once opposed, poor in background rose up to have trials with the rich in sentencing court. It was finally them who get to be the judge.

Batman was defeated by Bane and was locked in an underground prison which he had to climb up high walls to make the escape. And during this time when evil is everywhere, the city was hopeless because it had lost its saviour.

Eventually Batman managed to make his way out and come back to stop everything including sending away the nuclear bomb which is about to blow up the whole city.

Batman was never back off even when his servant, Alfred and Catwoman had been advising him that it was not worth to trade his life just to save the city. But Batman won't give in.

In the contrary, the children who are running for their lives from the city was stopped by the police force from crossing the bridge. 

I remembered when Blake asked Batman why he had to put on his mask, he simply answered, 'Anyone could be Batman, anyone could be the hero.'

There's a question here, does Christopher Nolan's Gotham city actually give the picture of our own world? The rich was wasting their resources but the poor had to die of trying to survive. The world was in rage, hopeless and would want a massacre to stop the corruption.

I remembered when the world was so corrupted back then, God did put a massacre to end it. In fact, Noah's ark story was never about how beautiful is the ship or how cute the animals like it shall be the story for children. It was in fact the scariest moment in human history when water engulfed the souls of millions, trillions from the whole universe.

Does massacre a need in time now? Or a Saviour who would bring hope?

Jesus Christ, the Messiah said, "I am the way, the truth and the life. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

And He meant it to everyone regardless you are rich or poor in materials or soul.

Faithfulness of God

Taken from God's grace daily inspiration

I don't think optimism works for those who loves God. I'm not gonna pretend to be happy because if there's something bothered me, I had to cry out to my Father.


When I was little, one day, I planned to escape from home. But the running away wasn't successful. I wasn't taking away clothes or money or anything because I started running by the time I was punished to stand outside the gate again. With whipping scars all over my body, I was kind of a display in the neighbourhood. Sadly, no one has ever said a word for me, in fact, neighbours hardly talk to each other.

I ran as far as I could and I found everybody on the street were looking at me. I was 11 years old at that time and I was so scared that someone would abducted me or find out what I was doing. But when I looked down, I found out why I caught people's attention. Because I wore a short that day and scars were all over my legs. I felt uncomfortable being looked at and so I risked coming back home. 

And here is how I should describe my feeling, I was so depressed that I asked the 'gods' to make me into dog in the next life because being beaten by human and having to search food in garbage is a lot better than my life now.

All I ever know is that my parents hated me very much. I was punished almost everyday. I lost interest in my study. All I ever doing coming back from school was to hide myself in room and talk to my toys. One day, a stray dog came to me and we became best friend and ever since, my time was only spent to hang out with my new friend.

But something changed me. I got interest in school and learning and all that. And all of a sudden, from a student at the bottom of my class, my academic results advanced by leaps and bounds. And then surprisingly I got straight As in my UPSR exam. I remembered my teacher who didn't like me very much smiled at me and gave me a pat on my shoulder and said, 'Good job!' I think every teacher consider student with good results are kind and obedient child which the lousy one will never measure up but I can tell that is not true at all.

I wasn't sure if that was a good news either. Because I'm going to tell you from that day on, I was living for only one thing: EXPECTATION.

I had been using my grades to trade for my parents and my grandparents' love and also my siblings and my friends' respect. I was confused but I accepted the teaching that Love and Respect must be earned. And so, good results was all I pursued. I missed all the high school fun because I seldom joined any sports or made any best friend. I remembered one frightening experience when my parents are discussing to cut me from school and made me start working before they discovered that somehow I could be bright.

And so all the years in high school, I never took easy with myself. But all I ever gained was betrayal from teacher and friends. The teacher I used to pour all my heart into doing her assignment, reading extra apart from what she required just because I loved the subject she was teaching. But she cut me out of a competition without any reasonable excuses. The trust I put in her crushed that day. The trust I put in my friends turned into bubbles. Then they said something hurtful, they wanted me to contribute ideas but they won't give me any position or credits. 

Then, one day after I quarreled with my family,  my mother took a chair from my writing desk and hit me until I bled. I wasn't avoiding like I used to because I was so hurt that I simply wished she would have killed me. 

To make peace with her conscience, my mother said that I was mentally-illed and she had no choice but to beat me like that. So, she forced me to see psychiatrist and took those pills. 

So, what hurts me was not the hitting or violence but the fact that she didn't feel sorry at all beating me like that. Then, I started to hate studies and I always came up with tons of excuses to bail myself out from school.

During that time, she had been to church several times with my brother. And together with the fact that one of the friends who betrayed me was a Christian and another Christian friend   had been teasing ever since, I could hardly accept Christian faith at all.

But strangely, when I sang the song about the precious blood on cross when I attended the Youth Fellowship, I was comforted by the peace that came to me and transcended all understandings. And I could never understand why He would die for my sins because my life experience told me there is no true love. But He just showed me true love is here.

I used to be so lonely that my parents, my siblings, my grandparents, my teachers and my friends abandoned me. But for now, I discovered that if I had something bothering me, I have someone to trust, to hope and to tell how I feel. 

However, things that had been happening freak me out. The failure of test that happened in my first year of university challenge my security. I started to feel insecure because I hadn't shaken the habit of living up to expectation. So now I thought God's love should be traded with my success too. I had this guilt that my failure had shamed my God. Then I felt insecure for fearing that my parents, my siblings, my friends would abandon me once again.

Believe me or not, during the four months of dealing with failure, I had never been so close to God. And I know this regularly happen to people. God is always the last option when we found no one else can help. 

When time has come which I believed I was recovered, I was crushed for the second time. I had a foot fracture during the year I was repeating and starting to do well and once again I had to delay my studies. That is the most confusing time. I was so ashamed to tell people what had happened. And I backslided by doing all the things I knew God wouldn't like me to do. I couldn't tell but it seemed each day, I was expressing my anger to everybody. 

Time goes by and I started to come to my senses. Deep inside me I knew, I can't be separated from Him. I wanted Him back! Even tough my enemies were threatening me each day, I crossed my fingers and cried out to Him. And what is so unfathomable is the fact that He never left me at all and He didn't reject me when I wanted to be back to my Lord.

I knew fear, sin, anger, hatred, doubts, addiction will find their way to get back to me. But His presence with me have given me the strength.

I would like to share a letter I wrote to God in times of fear.

Dear Lord,
I'm scared. I'm scared.Waiting makes me scared.'No answer' makes me scared.'Failure' makes me scared.Loneliness makes me scared.The way people looking at me makes me scared.My parents make me scared.My sister makes me scared.Knowing 'I can't' makes me scared.Unknown future makes me scared.Life is scary!
Help me please!!!
Rachel.

Here is how God replies me:
Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights-and in that darkness you will soon hear me whispering, “I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense…Hold fast. Let me embrace you in your hour of pain.”

Then I remembered a man's life stories thousand of years ago, he never gave up on God when,

the brothers he trusted sold him to slave trader,
his Master's wife put him to jail with something he had never done,
the prisoner he once helped had forgotten him,

even tough it seemed he had to deal with a lot, he believed in the dreams God had given him and all he did was simply trusting. Read more...

The true meaning of trust is to surrender completely even tough at times we don't understand, we believe He prepares the best for us. And without trust, I can hardly tell if I have relationship with God.

When I say I am a Christian
I am not shouting I’m clean living
I’m whispering I was lost
Now I’m found and forgiven

When I say I am a Christian
I don’t speak of this with pride
I’m confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide

When I say I am a Christian
I am not trying to be strong
I’m professing that I’m weak
and need His strength to carry on

When I say I am a Christian
I’m not bragging of success
I’m admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess

When I say I am a Christian
I am not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it

When I say I am a Christian
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my shares of heartaches
So I call upon His name

When I say I am a Christian
I ‘m not holier than thou
I’m just a simple sinner
Who received God’s good grace, somehow. 

-Carol Wimmer

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5

Lose and Preserve

Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. -Luke 17:33

That's a horrible world out there. And inside.

Each day we battle with thousands, millions of decisions where we want to live without God. Skipping a prayer meeting because can't miss the party those cool guys throw out. Decided not to come to church as Saturday night is gonna be ladies night!

To be more precise, we wake up and have that anticipation to tell ourselves or to have this done: I want to live on my own!

One living example that I see. A bunch of kids who joined the youth service; they never missed one service, they learned the instrument with commitment and played during worship, they still show up even though it's time for Bible study, they helped out all the time during Christmas, they enjoyed so much to meet new friends and care for those newcomers, they share their happiness with people for being in the church,......

but once it came to the decision 'I wanna give my life to Christ,' they stopped at the door of gospel and hesitate, juggling a while whether they should really knock.

Because common sense makes us think, once we knock, we are gonna be Christ's slave forever and there are so many things that I haven't done which I really wanna do. Maybe a little while later.

So, they decided to wait. Till the day where they are free for Christ because their schedules are packed now.

So, they took off, really on their own, to different places and slowly, they lost the very remaining fire and Jesus is yet another name to be clicked 'like' on the fb but without any really intimate connection. Church is a place to hang out during Christmas. The rest of the days, work, bf/gf, traveling and whatever plans they squeezed from their mind just to make their lives look fulfilled. But inside there is just emptiness and never fulfilled.

Because we all believe in the LIE that we can live a better life out of ourselves but ah ah, not with God.

We are somehow like the Prodigal Son, we can't wait to venture the world, so we asked some permission from our DAD, sort of and we flew away.

But we made a little different promise that we will always come back. However, we didn't.

There are so many beautiful things that blurred our sight that we no longer put it on Jesus.

The Father of Lies is telling us that you sure gonna feel better if you eat that apple.

And we bought that, all the time.

Let me tell you this. I am one of these people. Everyone is so capable of being beaten to the ground.

But Grace lifts us up to the platform and give us the free chance to make choice again and battle on. It has to be cried out for.

I believe there is Heaven and Hell.

Yet I also believe that each day we get to choose to enter Heaven or Hell.

For as [a man] thinks within himself, so he is. -Proverbs 23:7

There is a freewill to make choice. Whether I'm gonna be with God today or I'm gonna not be. And the result is Heaven or Hell.

This choice is somehow called attitude as regarded by people. How you respond to the situation is always more important that the situation itself.

Some people were too indulged in the pleasure of sins as if there is a warm bed in the valley.

Some were ashamed away.

That's the opposite. Where the Truth is, His strength is always perfected in our weakness. The bad choices should always bring us closer to Him but not making us to shrink away.

In Narnia 2, C.S Lewis wrote, Aslan said to Prince Caspian, 'When you said you are not ready, then you are.'

'Commit' perhaps is a BIG word. But you surely don't want to miss the BIG LIFE behind the word.

Giving our lives to Christ is not the time when we lose our freedom but it's time when Christ set us free so we cried out 'ABBA, Father'.

Giving our lives to Christ is not when we lose ourselves but we found ourselves.

Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. -Luke 17:33

That's a horrible world out there!

You need God!

My strength comes from just one place

Just found a blog draft long forgotten inside my laptop, thought I should be sharing it.

Every morning we woke up to news, to gathering people planned to have their voice be heard, to more murders and abuses, to frequent disasters that took away lives and properties, to the starving and sick babies in a place far from your touch, to a young man who just chose to end his life after being accused of molesting a girl.

People are frustrated with the way they live, the way people controlled them and the way life controlled them. It seemed hope is the least thing of expectant and faith is cheaper than bread.

I had been trying to figure out for several days on how should I view all these as a Christian, but not a concerning citizen or a frustrating young people. How should I approach all these desperation alongside with people in a way that God would want me to be?

Should I support? Or stand aside? Or wait for Him? Can I send them gospel when they are asking me of money?

And as the question bothered me as well as other questions in my life, God taught me a valuable lesson that answered all.

I always thought I was a Christian in control with my own effort and strength. When I read about the LORD is my strength, it only sounds like an effect to me when I cried for help and when I felt that I am weak. But when things just go on smoothly, I still bow down to the verse with humility and unawarely believe that whenever I was doing something with my own strength, it was the strength from the LORD!

Horribly, it brought about the adverse effect that when I struggled on something, when I failed, when I lost control, God is the first one my mind is trying to blame. This act would just reject the whole Bible and Truth when promises of victories from God are wiped off my heart. Yet, I didn't realize it, it was like a vicious cycle where I feel the strength and not feel the strength.

There is a movie called Green Lantern recently which the character gained power from a ring. This movie just illustrated many of us, Christians who believe there are times we put on the ring and have power and there are times we just drop the ring somewhere and lost it, so we have to find the ring again.

No! But the Bible doesn't promise the strength is to be feel but it is there! It exists all the time with me. Because the strength is the LORD! LORD exists there all the time with me. He never left for lunch time or whatsoever the reason you could think of. Realistically, many Christians misunderstood that God left us in the time we are most hopeless, in the time we sinned and in the time we failed. This is just the polar opposite of the Truth!

“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28)

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

One of the examples is me. I feel vivdly the emptiness inside me when I gripped on the past and believe there's no turn back. I was so disappointed with myself that I think everything is over. There's no way God is going to forgive me because this is different, this sin is different, this time is different. (Beware, this is lie) But does the Bible says any difference?

And God is just amazing!!!

I remembered so vividly too on how He work in my life in present, in the future and ETERNALLY.

Last week, He brought me a chinese praise song, called the Rainbow's promise. He reminded me that His promise with me is eternal and the rainbow is a mark for it. It doesn't change even if I failed, I sinned or I ran away. The promise is there. The plan is there. He is there for the prodigal to come back. Running away doesn't just make the promise gone. And in the movie, the guy tells a very special quote, 'Rainbow is actually a circle. Half on the earth and half in the Heaven. When we finished our mission on the earth, we will go back to Heaven to meet with the person we loved.'

And the next day in church on Sunday morning, the Pastor preached about Luke 5:1-11 and as I'm blogging about it, God reveals more to me.
³ He(Lord Jesus) got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore.
When God told us to do something which is inside our comfort zone( a little from shore), we always feel good to do it. Indeed if we completed the task, we feel so much more contented and glad that we managed to serve Him. Because it is inside the comfort zone, you feel secure to do it for the LORD. You can do the thing asked without RISK(you're in control, with your own effort and strength, which the strength from the LORD is too risky to rely on because it is unseen).

⁴ When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”
Now you see what Simon reacted next when he was asked to go deeper.

⁵ Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”
Simon listened to the LORD but the fact that last night he hasn't caught anything made him to feel risky to rely upon the LORD. Even tough our mindset for the LORD is the Almighty and Omnibenovelent but when it comes to rely upon Him, not many of us could practice this mindset into life, where we think if we couldn't do it, how could it be when God wants us to do it. We are afraid to seek strength from God, it is not comfortable at all(If I go deeper to Him, search deeper for Him, I might have to let go the ordinary and comfortable I have, I just want to be ordinary, I am too afraid to be victorious)!

⁶ When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. ⁷ So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.
See what God just did!

⁸ When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!”
You see, we are afraid of His blessings because we think we don't deserve it. And we often think when God call us to do something, we are too afraid that we are not able repay such large number of fish. We always think that GOD is waiting for us to repay. (Better give me a small number of fish, because I don't know what shall I do to repay when you just give me such large number of fish, I am just a sinful man! I don't deserve it!)

⁹ For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, ¹⁰ and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners. Then Jesus said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.”
Do not be afraid. God wants to show Simon Peter that as you put into deep water, I gave you a large number of fish. And now I have a greater plan for you, fish for people. Just like previously, my promise never changed. I am there for you as well, making sure you will get large number of people.

11 So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.

My strength comes from just one place, that is belonged to Jesus.

-Kim Walker(during worshipping with the song 'You are my Passion')