He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.

I never felt so loved by God before. I remembered I told my friend I was going to blog about the joy that came upon from Lord, but before I closed up the two posts that I had written few days ago, I couldn't wait to write about God again. It's like endless story of His presence with me. Even if now, I am sure He is beside me when I wrote about this.

How can I explain myself now? I feel like much more clear of who is God and nearer and nearer to Him as if the One I always called Father in church, CF, prayer meeting and Bible study is my Father. It wasn't just a mere recognition of Him as my Father anymore, no, but I felt deeply the relationship between us and He demanded a reply, even just a mere 'giving thanks'.

And I really felt the love He had promised, the love that I never felt so real in the past two years as a Christian. He is not only the Father that sits on the throne in the Heaven like I visualised in the past, watching me being weak and sinner, no! He is the loving Father beside me, telling me not to give up!

Let me share an amazing experience here,

I was in a struggle to hear from God. For the past one year in campus, I was always unsure about who I am, who am I? And because I am too afraid to know the truth, I shut away from God, never dare to ask Him.

I came to church and the Pastor began to preach about John 1o.

³ The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. ⁴ When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.

God wants me to follow His voice and He loves me.

Then, Hebrew 12 was mentioned which gave me a real shock!“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, ⁶ because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

I was so excited yet so scared when God just spoke to me!

I was so reluctant, stubborn and doubt about myself

But when I watched Kungfu Panda 2, and surprisingly, the Panda in the movie said, 'You've got to let go of that stuff from the past because it just doesn't matter . The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now.'

I cried so much in the movie and I bet the audience around me did the same but they never knew I cried for other reason.

When I came back and opened up the Facebook, the God wants you to know app again was saying the same thing,

... that you don't go to find meaning in life, you bring meaning to your life. Meaning isn't something out there waiting for you to discover. The meaning of your life is what you infuse it with - beauty or ugliness, happiness or sadness. It is totally your choice, and God wants it to be your choice because God gave you free will.

Amen!

If God had spoken to me for so many times, yet I didn't respond, what more can I say?!

Thank you Lord for everything!!!

I know You are with me

Last night I had two dreams...one is I am joining dancing competition(?) and I managed to enter finals(?) but I didn't know the result.

ANother one is a bad dream, a kind of nightmare that is challenging my faith.

I found myself inside a library. I'm pretty sure I am inside my campus library but none of the design is of the same as the Hamdan Tahir's library. It's just that in my understanding inside the dream, it's my campus libary.

And the space is so little, that it is packed with bookshelves, desks and chairs.

I remembered I ran around the library to hide myself.

It's because I am trying to study, but every table is occupied by my coursemates...and each one of them looked at me as if I am a failure.

I was so scared and disappointed inside the dream that I almost wanted to quit.

I had to tell everyone that it's really not easy for one to stand up again.

Even tough your friends didn't look at you as you thought they were, you would always think they are.

However, I have God.

He had spoken to me that He will equip me for this September.

And the most important lesson of this failure is not about whether I will win back what I lose...it's about whether I will love Him more.

Do you know why it is important for Him to give us free will?

Cuz,

without free will,
there is no obedience...

and obedience is not sacrifice,

it's surrender. :)

because Christianity is not a religion,

it's a relationship.

He said, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'

Whenever I called my Mom upon feeling upset, I had always said, 'Mom, I looked just like Peter and Jonah.'

I am like a combination of two of them in weakness.

Sometimes, I denied the Lord just like Peter and I refused to do what God told me to, just like Jonah.

And I realized that it had been so many times I turned my back to God, unwilling to walk with Him, the times I failed and the times I didn't fail.

At times I failed, I always thought as if the whole world would look down on me and I never seek Him who took me as a precious child.

At times I became success, I always thought it was my efforts that matter though I gave thanks to Him.

After the announcement of results, I called my Mom and the first thing I said was, 'Mom, I am not a Christian anymore.'

It is so complicated that I couldn't distinguish whether it was an anger for no miracle had happened or an ashame that I couldn't dare to declare I am a child of God.

Brothers and sisters are telling me God has His plan, God will guide you through, God will lead your way and God cares for the brokenhearted.

I know!

But I couldn't help to be distracted by the world's eyes and the thought in my mind that I am not glorifying God at all.

And I missed one very important part in the Bible.

I always remembered the three times that Peter denied the Lord.

But I forgot about what the Lord had been talking to him after He was resurrected.

Jesus Reinstates Peter

¹⁵ When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”

“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

¹⁶ Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

¹⁷ The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

John 21:15-17

Jesus didn't condemn Peter, He didn't say anything but to ask, 'Do you love me?'

When I wondered how am I taking it, surprisingly a song came to my heart, played by itself and calmed me down.

Wanna make a guess?

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

The issue is love, not performance?

It took me strength to write this.

At first, I wasn't sure about it, when I didn't hear my name.

It's not about wasn't sure whether I failed, but I wasn't sure what will happened next, literally, no feeling came upon. And I was waiting for it in the hall.

The fear came, of people gathered and asked, 'Are you okay?' And it was so embarrassed when people said, 'Let's check again if they made any mistake.'

How could it be a mistake when I knew myself very well?

Don't ask me. I could never answer the question why I am so sure to give up and so sure to hear that I am failed.

Then, with the greatest courage I had, I ran down the stairs, to avoid the public, to avoid everyone and absurdly thought that I could avoid God as well.

Yes, God, I made it, the day of humiliation and so what do You want from me?

In Mandarin, they called it a black spot of your life.

A black spot?

I wondered what it would be in God's eyes.

I am not confident to tell. A miracle for Him to work on next year? A testimony about to be bore in the future? I am too scared, just like Moses.

I am too scared to believe that the staff can turn into snake and water can turn into blood.

Brothers an sisters were messaging me, telling me not to give up. Some came for room visit.

I burst out into tears, they said you should cry as hard as you want and let everything out.

I did.

Then, I looked at them, I looked at Mom, I looked at God and then I looked at the tears......

What about myself?

Did I cry out of my guilt, condemnation or just being irresponsible to their hope on me, especially God?

Did I cry because I failed or I failed them?

It is right with what Uncle Tim had said, 'It's your heart that matters.'

My heart. Yes, it is my heart.

If I am not to fail again, if I am to strike back in this battle and bring glory to Him, then my heart have to be there. Did I love God, did I put Him first? Did I love myself as He had commanded?

"All of us have stumbled. But God is not done with us. He believes in us. The game is not over yet."-Wayne Cordeiro and it's enough that you skipped the whole post but just to look at this final sentence.