Damn, I did it!

It was another bright morning I woke up to, praise the Lord!

And we headed to '记得吃' aka Kei Tak Sek, a dim sum restaurant with Grandma to yum zoe cha.

When we went to fetch Grandma, Grandpa was like, 'What the heck?!!' when seeing my bright shinning golden with a pair of dark black eyebrows.

Damn, I dyed my hair! xDD

So, I let him to lecture me, like for 5mins before we went off to stuff our stomach.

And I even joked that, if later on, when the waiter come to bury the bill, I'll just hit the table and they will sure let us fly off without paying.

Cuz seriously, now I look like I'm the gangster head in the town.

I initially want some A'mo effect but it turns out become kiam pak[annoying] face.

I don't know how I'm gonna face people in campus later.

Gangster + Doctor??

well, that is sure something new.

BrEAK~

Name the uses of a paper clip as many as possible.

How many can you call out?

According to research, genius came out with 2000 and people who get older came out with lesser ideas. It had became a global acceptance that as we grew older, we became forgetful and sometimes we couldn't think better, it was just that we became wiser and we understood things in a more realistic and rational way, better than children. But children learn faster, their adapting skills are way better. Adults came out with ideas, based on experiences but you can see that they just have to admit,'I'm getting older, I just can't recall the name of the guy I met the other day and I always have to make a shopping list before I do my groceries.'

Indeed, I never done my shopping list and I remembered exactly what I had to buy, but it was couple of years ago.

I trust in one theory, our brain do not grow old like a machine, in fact they can't be rusty. It is just that, the machine man became lazy and was reluctant to operate it. We often made excuse, like we had gold fish memories because we aged time from time. But it made sense when I said, it is just because we refuse to memorise. We felt we take that job enough. It's time for some understanding and application without memorising. In fact, it became an encouragement as when we advanced to higher education. They gave us the formula and we applied it in a question. We never had to remember it.

People may argue, 'I would die if you make me to memorise all those bloody-hell formula.' It's true. Because deep down inside you, you feel that it's me who take control of your brain. I make you to memorise but you yourself never want to be the one who push yourself to memorise. We are afraid!! We are scared! A fear that when we start that machine again, it cannot work! Sarcastically, thinking or I mean, having thoughts is an action that has been considered risk. As emotion and stress grow inside, they demand a space, apart from mere thoughts.

A friend of mine once told me that she thought of being a writer. But she had but to take marine biology. Sometimes, we have to say, there isn't much choice left in Malaysia, right? I mean, we don't get to choose what we want, because often we have to be bright on those frozen field, unless we really decide to give up our meals for dreams. That is quite imbueing yet imbecile.

But in this recent few days, I felt that I made the right choice. I read a book, 'From Derision to Inspiration' by a Prof from Taiwan. It takes only few pages to stop me from reading that book. I mean something really inspiring gives me an opposite inspiration. I'm surprised.

The book quoted the Father of DNA, Dr.James Watson. He once told people, that do not doubt to make a change when you feel that situation is not right for you. He described future as dating a girl. When you see another girl who looks prettier, you better change the date swiftly. Just like a course, when you see something brighter in you, never doubt to switch your choice.

But I was inspired instead, to run in a way opposed to him. I wasn't a bad case, with a dream waited on the other side for me. I just had my own ambition but I made the choice. Remember? I was the one who picked up the course. No other variables. So, what I have to do isn't like what Dr.Watson said, jump quickly. I made the choice, so I just had to keep making it everyday.

I was planning to watch 'The Social Network' today but 'The Next Three Days' took over because my sis didn't look like 18, I mean, she doesn't. To my surprise, it was the first time I bought ticket for a movie I hadn't check out the storyline and it turned out a very nice movie!

It was all about a prison break plan by a desperate husband who strongly believed that his wife was not a murderer. Of course, things got easier when he switched the medical report for the wife and had the wife to be sent to the hospital where practically he rescued her there. The husband is a familiar guy I saw in Beautiful Mind. Then, I saw a woman from 'House' who played as the mother of his son's friend. Like any other Hollywood movie, it purposes to amaze you that any teacher from a town can just create such brilliant plan and with little bit luck, they managed to escape and settle life in Venezuela.

Sometimes, desperation can just move the guy to really operate his brain. And of course trust is the main theme here. Somehow this is what that support a marriage. You trust because you are able to assure yourself this is what you know about the person. Like what the husband said, 'I know her. She will never do that.' And he almost broke down when the wife claimed that,'You believe I did not do it?' Yea, the wife was arrested because of a very bad coincidence and lacking of evidence to help her. She was not the killer after all.

And then, I caught a chance to see a group of Christian youths performing Christmas carols. But I missed the picture of them performing. I only took it when they were heading down the stage.

A story that came in mind when I listened to Narnia soundtrack

One day, a beggar boy who wandered around the market to search for chance to steal food was caught by a soldier. He was so afraid and struggled to get away, but the soldier grabbed him tightly and said, 'Come, the King commanded me to bring you back, you are His lost and found son.'

The beggar boy said, 'No, my father is waiting for me at home. He will whip me if I cannot find any food back home for him. And he will starve me again tonight if I cannot offer up as much food as the rest of my sibling.'

The soldier said, 'Do you not remember? Two days ago, you went and took water from the well for a young man.'

The beggar boy said, 'Yes, I remembered he asked if I believe that he will give me the living water. I said I believe but I haven't seen him until now.'

The soldier said, 'Now he is fulfilling his promise. He is our crowned Prince Taleh. He went back to the King and said he found his brother, that is you. The King has prepared a feast at the palace to welcome you home and a ceremony to crown you as Prince.'

The beggar boy replied joyfully, 'Does this mean that I will get to have a whole new life?'

The soldier said, 'Of course, back to the palace later, you will be even greater than me in this kingdom.'

The beggar boy happily followed the soldier back to the palace.

The King saw the boy and hurried to him. He took him up to His shoulder and kissed him and said, 'This is my lost and found son, my beloved son.'

They washed the dirt away from the boy using water during the ceremony and crowned him as Prince Tzon Marito and he received the sword of Emet from the King.

Everyday, Prince Tzon Marito sang Tahilin which was the tradition of the Kingdom and learned from Prince Taleh about the attitude of a prince should have.

But each day passed by, even tough the King loved Prince Tzon Marito very much and gave whatever he asked, Prince Tzon Marito began to feel bored.

One day, he sneaked out of the palace to play. His previous sibling saw him and wanted to stone him. He initially was scared and tried to run away.

But then he stopped and thought that he was a Prince, what fear should he have, if anyone would try to hurt him, his father, the King will send an army to rescue him.

The father who whipped him before saw his courage because of the King and became angry. But immediately he calmed down and thought of setting the Prince up.

'How great is it your father, the King? I'm the one who supposed to be your father. Come back to me, son and all my lands and wealth I will give to you for these had been given by the King in a deal He made with my ancestors long ago.' said the wicked father.

'No, I do not trust in you for the trees in your garden bear spoiled fruit and your land grows weeds.' Prince Tzon Marito answered.

The wicked father would not stop and continued to say, 'You are my adopted son long ago. Well, since you found your real father, I wished to marry to you my daughter, Nasah but you must come back and stay with me. Freed yourself from the palace and the rules you must follow in the palace.'

Nasah was a very beautiful girl and Prince Tzon Marito couldn't help to think of Nasah day and night even after he was crowned prince.

Then he thought again, even tough he was happy in the palace but Prince Taleh was a too perfect man for him to follow.

So, he went back to the palace and asked the King to gave him what belongs to him and he was leaving!

The King cried and said, 'My son, one day you shall come back.'

Prince Tzon Marito went to the wicked father with his wealth and married Nasah.

But the wicked father wasn't satisfied. Because he saw the Prince missing the King after moving out. So, he told Nasah his plan.

Nasah came to Prince Tzon Marito and said, 'My Prince and my husband, if you have loved me, you should fulfill any wish I want, right?'

Prince Tzon Marito said softly, 'My dear, any wish you want.'

Nasah said, 'Then, I wanted you to go back to your father, the King, pretended that you are broke. He will shall come and hug you, by the time He hugs you, you shall kill Him with the sword of Emet."

Prince Tzon Marito was shocked with the wish but he had promised Nasah.

He came to palace to find the King, dressed in shabby, according to the plan.

The King heard that he came back and rushed out exactly to hug him.

He said, 'My son, you had came back to me. My servants, I commanded you to go and take new robe and shoes for my son for the Prince is back.'

Prince Tzon Marito said, 'Father, I had left You. I had no right to be prince again.'

The King said, 'My son, I will never forsake you until the day of harvest.'

Prince Tzon Marito was filled with regret for seeing that the King loved him so much. He tried to kill himself with the sword of Emet but stopped by Prince Taleh. Prince Taleh told him that, 'You had promised to take my living water. You shall not break it.'

Prince Tzon Marito realised that he was trapped by the wicked father all these while and thus killed Nasah with the sword of Emet by himself and came back to the Father.

The King had the Prince to marry the most beautiful girl in the Kingdom called 'Chen'.

The Prince was glad that he made the right decision and the King commanded him to go out and take other brothers home.

Everything happens for a reason Part I

Before I started, let me share what God has for me today through facebook. There is this interesting application on fb, 'God wants you to know' which gives me most of the inspiration of the day. And sometimes, it pulled me up just the time I fall. At times where I am joyful, it comes out as a lesson or just the words I should appreciate. I don't know what's the time region it uses, but often I will receive message from God each day in the evening.

"Rachel Little, on this day God wants you to know

that all is well. What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present, and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good?"

And these are exactly what can be put into this blog that I foreplanned to write.

Yay, who knows I will fail?

Yay, who knows I carry so many secrets with me?

And who knows I am always sad about myself?

Him.

I cried just now in the Christian Fellowship during praise and worship. Because as I sang along, I felt so touched with God grace.

What makes Him to choose me?

What makes Him to save a wretch like me?

Is there anything special in this child that caught His attention? Is it because only Him sees the brighter side and the cuter side of me? Is it because only Him can forgive what I did? Only Him is love?

I actually has a testimony to share but because of the time reason, I save it first.

But remember, this is what I get from God, everything happens for a reason. =)

Sharingggggg!!!! Pls put on your earphone before clicking the link!!!

心灵点滴

有个简短的问题，我斟酌了很久，我想这也会难倒很多人。因为是没有一个答案的。有些人或许会回答不出个所以然来。嗯，也别卖关子了。问题如下：

为什么不是每个人都对我好；我为什么不是对每个人都好？

我是个基督徒。我现在写着我自己，当然无可避免要先说到爱。

上 帝说，“爱是永不止息。” 但我的爱，在别人给我脸色看时，或者说话的语气提高了，抑或直接踩到我的头上来，这份爱就沉到了杯底了。渐渐的，我发现，我自己也很自私。虽说，人有所 求，我鲜少推搪，但是我是要求着别人付出，我方能行动。他们需要给我爱，我才能去爱他们。我欠缺了什么呢？饶恕。

上帝说，“人家打你的左脸，把右脸也反过来给他再打。这样的response不是违反了正常的Motor System?? 虽然我常向人强调，这是我们应做的，因为饶恕很重要，饶恕才能体现爱，而神就是爱。

但是，父啊，这杯似乎有点难。

当 初，Form 5那年我有了自杀倾向。我想这世界太恐怖了，你争我夺，朋友间有永无止境的背叛、出卖、嫉妒，比一个不相熟的人还恨! 妈妈当时偏疼弟弟，我怨她，她却告诉我这世上从来没有’公平’这两个字。所以我对前景彻底失望，因我看到了社会的腐败，就算在一间小小的学校已经是是非连连。既然这样，我 们以前学的那什么礼、义、廉、耻，我看都该烧掉了。凡是对自己不利的东西，而自对旁人有利的，千万不能去做，因为你将会是世上最蠢的那一个。记得！

但 是，在挣扎的边缘，我看见了爱。我看到一个人，他行事跟这个世界完全颠倒。难道他忘了，这个生存的基本法则，对旁人有利的，而对自己无利的事千万不能去 做。但是他却为别人的罪钉死了。江湖兄弟讲义气尚且替大哥坐牢，但也是要讲求条件，不过是绝对不会去为别人受死刑的。在那十架上，我看到了非常奇妙的东 西。他给了我盼望。他这两千年前的的行为告诉着我说，‘自扫门前雪’、‘笑里藏刀再在你背后插一刀’这些事都不是这个世界的定律。因为他胜过了，他所做的 证明了爱是存在的。

他说我这里有爱，爸爸妈妈不爱你；不要紧，爷爷奶奶讨厌你；不要紧，朋友排斥你；没关系，因为我爱你。

当我接触圣经是，我更是惊心动魄。那本书好像一个父亲写了封信来安慰他受伤的孩子。

“忧伤痛悔的心，我必不轻看。

我必领你们到生命水的泉源 我也必 擦去你们一切的眼泪。’

‘只是我告诉你们，要爱你们的仇敌。为那逼迫你们的祷告。 这样，就可以作你们天父的儿子。因为他叫日头照好人，也照歹人，降雨给义人，也给不义的人。 你们若单爱那爱你们的人。有什么赏赐呢？’

‘只是我告诉你们，不要与恶人作对。有人打你的右脸，连左脸也转过来由他打。有人想要告你，要拿你的里衣，连外衣也由他拿去。 有人强逼你走一里路，你就同他走二里。 有求你的，就给他。有向你借贷的，不可推辞。’

‘你施舍的时候，不要叫左手知道右手所作的。要叫你施舍的事行在暗中，你父在暗中察看，必然报答你。’

‘你们不要论断人，免得你们被论断。 因为你们怎样论断人，也必怎样被论断。’

‘你们祈求，就给你们。寻找，就寻见。叩门，就给你们开门。 因为凡祈求的，就得着。寻找的，就寻见。叩门的，就给他开门。’

‘所以无论何事，你们愿意人怎样待你们，你们也要怎样待人。’

这些经文有力地在敲打我的心，并告诉我，幽暗的世界过去了，因为我看见了光明。

我的生活就这样转变了。我的心门打开了。我开始懂得去抱一个陌生人，然后对他说，‘耶稣爱你’。因为我感受到了那份爱，我想告诉别人，我想让别人及有可能像我这样想的也知道。

不过，某些事情发生了。考完试我去工作，开始疏远了上帝，亲近了金钱。我有时太累，索性不去教会，下午就溜出去逛街看戏。

然而，因为上帝的慈爱，把我带到了Matrik，让我再一次的依靠他，转向他，知道没有上帝，我不行！

Matrik 后，我被一些宗教团体蒙骗，加上发生了意外，我额头上留下了疤痕。这次的意外非同小可，不是因为我害怕或者因为我破相了，而是我呆掉了。原来基督徒也有偏 离的，尽管圣经已警示了我们许多次，但是我从未认真地去辨别是非。这种可怖的转变让我一时无法适应。我好像借着头上这一刮，从一个噩梦醒过来。

很快的，我才疗养一个月，就得升上大学。

我 变了。我不知如何做人。我已经不懂得去关怀人，因为我意识到世界有许多的诡诈。我的警觉性拉高。别人说的话或做的我不同意时，我也不知该怎么跟人家沟 通。我不懂，说真的。人家利用我，我也只好沉默。我变得很安静、很安静。我封闭了自己。但是，同时我觉得好寂寞、好寂寞，看见人家一群朋友谈天说地、游山 玩水，为什么我就不能如此，为什么我却永远是角落那个不起眼的。 我因此颓废了。

开始我常安慰自己，别怕，

上帝说：我给你们的不是胆怯的心而是刚强仁爱谨守的心。

他也说：世界所以先恨我，才恨你们。

不过，今晚，我感触良多。之前我常安慰自己世界所以先恨上帝，才恨我。我却忽略了，爱是永不止息，爱能遮掩一切过错。

有个朋友说我长得像小丑。我婉转地回答她，‘Oh my God, 你怎么可以这么说？’

岂知她不放过我还拉高声音说，‘Oh my God, where's your God?'

说真的，这句话确实让我怒火中烧。

但 是这一次我明白了。我不该怪她。反而，我该反省自己。我想，可能不止她一人会这样问我，或许有更多人也心存这个疑问。说真的，在这里区区两个月的生活，我 有活出上帝来吗？我心志散漫，喜欢疏远自己，更别说去关怀人。办事不利之余还常说一些冷场的无聊话。这都是我的面具。我希望人们把我看成是一个不认真的 人，因为我害怕掏出自己的心去交一个真心朋友。我害怕欺诈、出卖。但是，

上帝说：你要心里火热，要爱人如已 。

喜乐的心乃是良药，忧伤的灵使骨枯干。

最重要的是，

要忘记背后，努力面前，向着标杆直跑。

我想，

是时候解铃了。=)

星语心愿

我要控制我自己 不会让谁看见我哭泣 装作我不关心你 不愿想起你 怪自己没勇气 心痛得无法呼吸 找不到你留下的痕迹 眼睁睁的看着你 却无能为力 任你消失在世界的尽头 找不到坚强的理由 再也感觉不到你的温柔 告诉我星空在哪头 那里是否有尽头 心痛得无法呼吸 找不到昨天留下的痕迹 眼睁睁地看着你 却无能为力 任你消失在世界的尽头 找不到坚强的理由 再也感觉不到你的温柔 告诉我星空在哪头 那里是否有尽头 就向流星许个心愿 让你知道—— 我爱你

Mission to Mars

Have you seen the movie, 'Mission to Mars'?

It was a horrible scene to me, 10 years ago, when I saw all those astronauts being torn apart by a catastropic wind. eeewww and I remembered it clearly as it was my brother's favourite movie. He forced my parents to bought the CD as soon as they went out of the cinema. What a spoiled brat! [Bahahaha...]

Yea, truly, they had been watching a lot of movies in the cinema together while I stayed with my grandparents...,Titanic la, Mission to Mars la and many more which I didn't know the name as I wasn't there!!!

But okay la, I was kindy enuf lerr...when I chose to stay with grandma once Dad asked me out with them. As I dun wan grandma to be alone at home. See? xDD

aNYWAY, recently when I'm back home, you know what Mom said to me? I shouldn't just go and tease my sister who often texted a guy she knew in church.

then here came, Mom said to me, 'You're 19. So just go after which ever guy you like. Bring one back! But of course a Christian la.'

It would be like Mission to Mars!

Cuz men live on Mars, women lived on Venus.

Of course that's a joke la. Adam and Eve both came from Earth.

I just wished to tell Mom, 'I'm a bad astronaut and a bad friend too. ;('

I loved to escape alone with my spaceship and I knew by that way, I would never pluck the star I wanted.

Aizz...Twinkle, twinkle little star...how I wonder what you are!

Public Education; is this what we want?

Home Sweet Home

Had my own holidays which lasted for 3 days.

I didn't touch any work.

But I brought back a luggage of support and encouragement from my family.

And also confidence.

Indeed, the days were worth an escape.

Michelle cooked mashed potato and I commented a lot.

Andrew was busy with the two new bought tortoises. And I'm still a fierce sister to him.

Father is reading Bible everyday.

Mother is on a diet schedule.

Granny and Grandpa still love me like they were.

Everything is just fine. =)

No Subject

When is the most enjoying moment of our lives?

Drinking your favourite coffee in a Canon mug while watching the sunset?

Getting every work done and have a walk in the park?

Kiss the one you love and he kiss you back?

I'm having my enjoying moment too. It is when every miracle happens to me. It is when I knew God is there every time. And it's beautiful.

I had blocked a friend of mine recently. I wasn't sure how I felt after doing it. It feels like one friendship ended and a meet of a special person seemed wasn't meaningful to me anymore.

She was right, I was lying.

I don't know what's wrong with me. And sometime it came to a moment where you know what is right and wrong but you can't make a line between them.

And then, lies within lies until I can't distinguish between them on my own.

I just felt like I acted like a fool around people and the most appropriate one would be, running away.

Sometimes, I even wonder myself, do I really look different or I struggle to be different because I think I am, from the start?

Haha.

Only God knows.

Greetings.

FAILURE is a non-presence of success. Any fool can accomplish that. But FIASCO, is a disaster of mythic proportion, says Drew Baylor a.k.a Orlando Bloom in Elizabethtown.

This is a beautiful Sunday evening I wrote to you all for greetings. Finally, Kelantan won the cup! They gained the glory and I earned one day free of class.

It's still raining on and off this whole day. My clothes are tortured by the weather. But I love the rain. It ease my headache in a minor amount, at least.

Ah, yes. I watched a very inspiring video on Facebook. Time is getting me away from writing. Enjoy the video!

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150229732515261&ref=mf

给母亲和大家的一封信

致亲爱的妈咪，

现在的我很平静的写这一封信。

说真的，这还是第一次我因为成绩而哭了；人生的第一次。因为我失败了，这也是我人生第一次坠到了谷底。

我考了三张测试，三张都不合格。[好彻底哦]

原本在我拿到成绩的当儿，在我看到那三个刺眼的“F”的时候，我竟然一点感觉也没有。教授一脸疑惑的看着我，看着一个不及格的华人，难以置信。

当我走出办公室门的那一刻，关心的朋友在一旁说，“她出来了。” 但是我心情很复杂，我很不愿意大庭广众的宣布，“Hey, I'm failed.”

我低着头，默不出声，拿起背包，迫不及待的溜走。

我想找个朋友看不见我的地方，然后打电话告诉你这个消息。但是我并没有如何的难过，反而，我已经预测到了，因为我没有付出真正的努力。

但是在拨电话的当儿，我的鼻子就酸了，我的泪水也来了。

我在想，“Rachel,你怎么可以这样的毫无感觉？你到底在干什么？妈咪和爸爸辛苦的把我抚养长大，终于盼到我拿到大学，费尽劳苦把我送来这里，我就这样一通冷漠的电话告诉他们，我不及格了，我赢了？”说真的，我没有付出过，在这里的一段日子，我除了埋怨，还是埋怨。

我不止在考试上失败了，我在作人方面也很失败。

当我遇上难题时，我不愿意去解决，我只会以泪洗脸，盼望尽早离开这里。我忘了，我真的忘了，当初我在面试的时候，我是如何满腔热血的对教授说，“是的，我要当医生，我要当一位好医生，我要帮助人。尽管我是物理生，但那从来不会是我的绊脚石。”

但是，我没有做到我所说的。

你和爸爸，都很支持我，并告诉我如果压力，难受，你们随时来带我回家。甚至，今天你竟然同意我去修读导演。

我很惊讶。但是我愧对了你，爸爸还有我自己。是我自己要选医科的，但是我没有付出努力，我对从前的我感到愧疚。

最重要的是，我要如何面对上帝呢？

Matric Physic，３．９５，拿到医科？这是上帝给我最大的恩赐了。但是我有珍惜过吗？没有，我好像觉得这是理所当然的，应该的。

回到房间，我感到心力交瘁。我躺在床上，不知该怎么办。

我哭是因为，我对不起你和爸爸，我对不起天父，我没有尽责任做一个好孩子。从小，我就觉得，你们疼弟弟多过我。但是，现在我并没有珍惜我所得到的。很多事情我办到的，弟弟都办不到，但是我没有珍惜过。反而，带给这个家庭最大伤害的人，就是我。

我很想走，很想逃避。我在想，上帝啊，我不及格了，为什么？

但是，我总是清楚，心中有另一把声音在告诉我留下来。那把声音要我相信，不要怕，我可以的。我第一次感到这么的清晰，我要听天父的话。做导演是从小的梦想，但是我好像很自然的想留下来。

其实前一晚很巧的，我读到了路加福音第四章，给了我很大的启示。

魔鬼曾对耶稣说，“你若是神的儿子，可以吩咐这块石头变成食物。”　但是耶稣并没有这么做。他回答說：經上記著說：人活著不是單靠食物，乃是靠神口裡所出的一切話。 ［但是我活着的意义呢？我并没有听天父的话，我活着好像为了自己的梦想，为了名和利。］

魔鬼又領耶稣上了高山，霎時間把天下的萬國都指給他看，對他說：這一切權柄、榮華，我都要給你，因為這原是交付我的，我願意給誰就給誰。 你若在我面前下拜，這都要歸你。 耶穌說：經上記著說：當拜主─你的神，單要事奉他。

［但是我呢？我没有珍惜上帝给我的祝福，也没有侍奉他。］

魔鬼又领耶稣到耶路撒冷去，叫他站在殿頂上，對他說：你若是神的兒子，可以從這裡跳下去；

因為經上記著說：主要為你吩咐他的使者保護你； 他們要用手托著你，免得你的腳碰在石頭上。耶穌對他說：經上說：不可試探主─你的神。

［这，更加地提醒我，我曾因认为自己是神的儿女，而觉得不必付出努力，因为神必定会让我及格。］

但是上帝并没有这么做，他要让我看见，有栽种才有收割。最重要的是，他要我顺服。他要我晓得，当我心里接受主耶稣的时候，我的生命就开始不同了。

因为从此我是为上帝而活，而不是为这个世界而活。

妈咪，对不起，我伤害了你，我让你失望。

但是这将会是我人生最大的一门功课。

我现在异常地平静，因为我学会了顺服。

当然，这次，我要说到做到。

It reminds me

I remembered as a child, I woke up 5 a.m in the morning, almost everyday. This was a benefit to stay with grandparents, I lived just like an old folk.

Even before the Sun rose nor the Gallus gallus made the morning call, Grandma started to buzz around for typical household chores.

I would, in my pj's, pacing up and down the front yard, waiting to say hi to my aunt as her school bus passed by. She is a very young cousin of my mother, who is 4 years older than me if I'm not mistaken. She is now pursuing postgraduate in biotechnology field.

While Grandpa, took a stool and sat on it in the front yard, watching the little soul activelty making sound and movements, at the same time, lighted up his first cigarette of the day.

It looked like a cold London night, when dim light of the lamppost shone on just two of us and smoke were seen as he puffed.

You would feel a fascinating silent as you heard school bus engine in distant became louder and louder when it moved towards your direction.

These were those days.

After this, we would frequent Pasar Pagi, the morning market.

Roti canai, chu cheong fan, ta mee were my favourire breakfast.

Weyy, not to forget the typical breakfast here, roti bakar smeared with kaya and half-boiled egg seasoned with soy sauce and pepper. [That was my memory with father.]

However, Mom never gave up on my education. She found the fiercest tuition teacher in my hometown which screwed my morning ever since.

But I enjoyed English class of another tuition teacher where we merely watched Muzzy in Gondoland at her place.

One time before the Mooncake Festival, as usual, lantern and mooncake were sold everywhere.

I stopped by the toy stall and made the Puss in Boats' innocent eyes to plead Grandpa for buying me toys.

Frankly, I wanted the remote controlled wheel loader. But instead, I was squating there, reluctantly to get up just to make Grandpa to buy a Pikachu electronic lantern. *swt*

I wasn't dare to ask for the exact thing I wanted.

But kids are simple. Don't you see? We want toys and we are happy whenever the adults nod their head and pay.

However, as we grow up, we don't get to have things we want anymore. Love, success and etc cannot be bought with money.

Somehow, they were exchanged with sins.

But mostly, we work hard to go for it.

And, we forgot that we should learn to giving more than taking.

Did you give love to people before you ask for it?

Did you love God when you doubt His love for you?

Lost and Be found.

There was a story that hit my mind when I thought it had been wiped away for a long time.

During my primary school years, I remembered it clearly in Standard Four, I moved back to my family and waved goodbye to grandparents.

It was the beginning of the real taste of poverty.

I didn't get to always ask for things like I was used to. I mean, not for things that over budget. There was no 'plenty' in my world anymore. And often, I had to share my snack with another 3 persons. Sharing became part of my life ever since. But it was fun, we always held each other hand and skied at home by wearing two plastic bags on our feet.

But, poverty followed me to school at the same time.

Grandfather didn't support us. He disliked my father.

This was how it happened.

Government/school was giving away free meal for poor students. Our conditions were hard and mother wanted very much for me to get it.

It was the first time I went to my teacher and said I needed one of those cool and bitter noodles.

But people didn't believed that I was poor. I was used to come to school in brand new uniform, white and shinning shoes, new schoolbag and a grandmother that would appear during lunch break with a food package full of delicious food.

And now, I'm going to what? Eating free meals that I don't deserve at all?

There was another girl who applied at the same time and she was one of my playmates.

I remembered teacher asked both of us to stand up.

She rolled her eyes and asked, 'Why do you think that you are eligible?'

The whole class looked at us and waited for our answers.

The girl stayed in an old house. But her father was selling beers and they parked their Proton Waja just across the street. That is all I know.

But people took away my father's Proton Saga as he was not able to pay the installment and he had an old motorcycle which made us to call off our outing trip. I didn't know what he was doing, I only knew his previous job was installing water filterer for people, a water-filterer salesman, I supposed.

I was silent. But I forced myself to tell, 'My father is a salesman. And my house is a rental house.' And I was telling the truth. I didn't add on, my TV is too small for me to watch, my bed is too shallow to give me a good sleep and you could actually ease your back itchiness by scratching it on the wall of my house, it was coarse like the wall of cliff.

And shockingly, the girl gave the same answer, her father was a salesman and her house was a rental house.

Teacher looked at two of us.

And a classmate raised his hand, then pointed to me, 'Teacher, she is telling lies. She is rich. Her grandfather owned a Pajero. She doesn't deserve the free meal at all.' Every other classmates were nodding their heads. No one believes that I am poor. No one really sees when my father was frustrated for not being able to buy meals home.

All they saw was a dishonest girl.

Teacher looked at me with doubt.

I shouted in my heart that it was an accusation, a wrong one. If I was allowed to, if I was rich, I didn't want at all to bow my head and plead for the free meals. But now because I am poor, I have but to do that.

During that time, I considered it as the greatest humiliation I ever had. A date of infamy.

I kept quiet and I grabbed my fist, all I did were tears rolling down my cheeks, without my control.

Well, that girl cried at the same time seeing me doing that.

I wondered, how wicked human would be ever since it was just a little soul.

I didn't want free meal at all if I had choice. But people who are rich, they just don't always feel enough.

And the boy who accused me, looked at me with anger, as if he was doing the right things, he was a hero.

People see me quiet, silent all the times. You just have to understand things I have to bear or a poor people have to bear ever since they were just children.

This is why I hated poverty very much. When you're poor, you have to beg people, you have to nod for whatever people say and you have to see chances taken away.

But that doesn't make me another person. I have my right objectives for what I am doing. If money and fame were to be the factor that build up my determination, I rather give it away.

There is an uncle who financially support me and he wants me to promise him that one day when I succeed, I will help other poor people.

He never knew how much I wanted to help the poor because I can feel how they feel. While helping them, I will make sure they receive the help with respect, I will make sure I don't mistaken a child to be lying and dishonest.

Everyone is unique in their own ways.

I remembered as a child, I came from family of poor. And I always is.

I was difficult to accept the fact after being raised by my grandparents for more than 10 years, that my mother is adopted. And I was difficult to believe that the one who is wealthy is my grandfather, not my father.

And this cat only came out of the bag when I attended the funeral of my real flesh and blood grandmother, with my mother one day when I was Form 2. And I only discovered that I have cousins and they are many.

Grandfather was the closet to me, once. And father, according to grandfather's description, was a gambler, a loser. In my mind, my parents were two monsters I hated very much every time they paid me a visit.

Mother loved her other children. Father was fierce. So, I guessed only my grandparents cared for me.

Until I stayed with them, I knew I was wrong.

Father is the breadwinner of a family of six. Even tough there were so many things happened to my family, despite several quarrels, he never left us like any family drama would be. And whenever he earned more, he would take us for an outing. He is always willing to spend on us. We had been to Birdpark, Taiping Zoo, Botanical Garden, beach and I remembered we were seeking for mall by looking for the balloon they hang in the air, highly in the sky.

I was happy to eat at the food stall, as long as we were one family. I found that we were happier. I got every kind of toy I wanted. A xylophone, a kid lion costume for lion dance, a kid keyboard and of course McD free toys joined the team. Then, father brought in two hamsters for the family, several kois and some green peas.

We were excited when the green peas grew, it felt like an achievement.

Then, we had video games, the one with yellow tape. And slowly, we skipped to PS2.

Father liked Mario Bros and mother was expert in BomberMan. And I loved bumping car on the screen. Sometimes, father paired up with my younger sister in playing Tank.

Our family bond were so strong in the Sega time.

Our wealth were the happiness.

I looked at my neighbour's son and he is dull. His family is rich but they hardly go out together. His father is busy at his factory and he is busy for swimming class, piano lesson and math class. His mother, however, is busy driving him everywhere for class.

And I felt lucky enough that I didn't know any music, any instrument and I couldn't swim.

But I was good at understanding film. In fact, I was lucky to know Mandarin, Cantonese, English and Malay. I watched almost every kind of film including Bollywood and sometimes Mexico. Practically, I knew the difference of the mindsets of people around the world. TV is all I got and all I liked.

I am really sorry for blaming my parents that they don't raise me as someone talented, like a pianist, a violist, a novelist, a ballerina or a squash player. I am really sorry that I was upset that I am just normal like any other child.

But, normal is good eventually I find.

I enjoyed speaking broken English, singing badly and dancing clumsily.

Because I am special of them.

Out of Love

What should I write?

I had been going through hard times. I'm not sure some of you would have that thought popping up to you and say,'This is really not for you.' when you are studying.

Then I had a fight over phone with Mom. And a regret planted.

I told Mom my ambition. But she reminded me few months ago, I told her, 'I really wish to be a doctor'. What if when I felt tough when she gave me a second chance, I would tell her I want to be other thing again? Therefore, I don't have the gut to fight.

I felt appreciated when friends around me were asking, 'Are you okay?'

But the thing was, it wasn't that I'm stressed of study, but the time that limits me and also I lost the combat to fight for my dream.

Doctor is a stable job.

But isn't God say that, 'Do not worry about your life, what you will drink or about your body, what you will wear.' But Mom still kept saying, face the reality.

Then, I understand.

I remembered in previous lecture, a lecturer questioned, 'What is the purpose of life?'

I repeated the question to my friend again and expected her to give some feedback like, 'To study.' That would be very appropriate for this stressful season.

But she answered me sarcastically, 'To be Christian.'

Erm, an answer by a non-Christian who always thinks I'm a very religious person.

I would like to protest, everyone equally-sinned and when they all come in Christ's love, they do what God want as they love God.

There's no 'religious' in Christianity.

God prefer a flexible relationship. We pray, we commit everything to Him, we cast all our anxiety to Him and we don't do things our Father dislike, out of love. Out of the reason that we know this is not 'religious', but this is choosing Him.

A guy said on his blog, 'Ask Jesus to come, prove to me, then I'll be His follower.'

People love to see miracles.

I had a few testimonies in my life too. But God is not a brand, it doesn't mean that you don't buy Him anymore, when things you want do not come. If you seek for why, pray and ask Him.

Out of anger, I became determined.

But I realized, I had done so many things that let God down. Isn't I'm the one who pray to be doctor in future?

God say, 'Seek first my Kingdom and righteousness.'

Yes. Cuz they are more important than anything would be in your life.

Like what James 4:14 says, 'Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.'

I'm not sure I'm good at using examples.

It's just like a board game. The one who invents the board game set up the rules. But none of the players follow it, they think breaking the rule is cool and awesome, instead they listen to the next person who come and intervene the game, so the game is ruined. Only those who follow it, reach the goal.

I'm studying now by faith on Him and prayers.

Not by the concept that, 'Owh, life is so hard. It's my duty to work hard for that. This is life!'

I cherish very much that God love me and pick me. At least, I'm less worried than anyone. But His grace is abound.

And there's something more I wish to share,

1st Corinthians chapter 13,

¹If I speak in the tongues^a]">[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^b]">[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1. 我若能说万人的方言，并天使的话语，却没有爱，我就成了鸣的锣，响的钹一般。

2. 我若有先知讲道之能，也明白各样的奥秘，各样的知识，而且有全备的信，叫我能够移山，却没有爱，我就算不得什么。

3. 我若将所有的赒济穷人，又舍己身叫人焚烧，却没有爱，仍然于我无益。

4. 爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈；爱是不嫉妒；爱是不自夸，不张狂，

5. 不做害羞的事，不求自己的益处，不轻易发怒，不计算人的恶，

6. 不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理；

7. 凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐。

8. 爱是永不止息。先知讲道之能终必归于无有；说方言之能终必停止；知识也终必归于无有。

9. 我们现在所知道的有限，先知所讲的也有限，

10. 等那完全的来到，这有限的必归于无有了。

11. 我作孩子的时候，话语像孩子，心思像孩子，意念像孩子，既成了人，就把孩子的事丢弃了。

12. 我们如今彷佛对着镜子观看，模糊不清（原文作：如同猜谜）；到那时就要面对面了。我如今所知道的有限，到那时就全知道，如同主知道我一样。

13. 如今常存的有信，有望，有爱这三样，其中最大的是爱。

Who to be blamed?

I remembered an article wrote by Liu Yong, a Taiwan novelist who stayed in U.S with his family and his children were educated there. It was taken from the second book I read which written by him, named 'Rebellious Blood' when I was Form 2 and I read it over and over again until Form 4 when internet started to invade my life.

In short, Liu Yong is a writer and an artist. He could paint but I had never seen his paintings. The way he criticized the world with some humor elements made his writing attractive. But I disagreed the part where he doesn't believe in God. In fact, we became proud when we knew too many things which is actually little in God eyes.

I remembered he wrote a story. It was about a prostitute in UK who were humiliated with the description of her customers as 'big boos with small brain'. Eventually she defensed herself by entering a quiz and managed to get number one where she defeated students from Cambridge, Oxford and Stanford. But, she went back to be prostitute, a famous one and her business grew.

The reason she chose to be a hooker was not known. But she had a bad family background, that was the fact. Liu Yong continued to claim, he felt comforted to see his daughter practicing piano at home. He wondered what would happen to her daughter if he didn't become a good father.

And we had our Individual Oral Presentation today. A kinda compulsory test for the English class. Pn.T dropped a very tough topic, 'Infamous person through history'.

I did Hirohito.

But I was inspired to write when majority picked the serial killer as the subject.

Because there is one similar characteristic shared by most of the serial killers or so-called psychopaths, they were all from a sad family background.

They had drunken fathers or perhaps early dying mothers, evil stepfathers or stepmothers.

Liu Yong once raised a question which I point out the gist here.

'Who to be blamed when we had all those social problems causing people? Should we blame them or people who moulded them?'

Like a friend said during the IOP, it's hard to be normal when he had such father.

If we compare, a father who take parenting lesson long before the baby is born and another father who never wish to have a baby when he needed his time for gamble?

We would feel very anxious for the second baby.

As what shown on Desperate Housewife a month ago, [I watched it during convo break], the guy who hit Julie was actually having a drunken mother and a very disturbed childhood and adolescence. His mother was blaming his birth which caused her to end her social life earlier.

So, ultimately, he killed his mother as she pushed him too much by insulting him publicly and not recognized his artistic talent. But I didn't continue watching.

All I know, when we grabbed our fists seeing this kind of bad parents, did we ever notice our role?

There's a common phenomenon where people love assaulting those who looked weird and socially isolated, especially in group. The least they could have done, would be laughing at them and giving them bad nicknames. This is not hard to be found in any school. Cuz these bullies felt offended when weird people, geeks appear in their sight.

They couldn't understand why these people couldn't just act as normal as themselves cuz they never know the depression that hid inside one's heart that he/she had to endure each day.

We are coming from healthy family. Then, we wish to worsen the condition of others. We never knew we are the major factor which develop all those serial killer. You don't even know if this morning your weirdo classmate is beaten by his drunken father again.

Perhaps you never offend any person who looked weird, but we never care for people. We shake head when we see all those murder cases and we sympathize the victims. But at the very initial phase, we never go and ask, or give a pat on the shoulder when we see a down person, always walks lonely who later slowly begins his psychotic acts. It is the environment around him and us who build this up. We are the advocators, but in the exactly opposite way!!!

And it's true, this is a cold world.

Teachers were the worst. Somehow I wished, people became teacher for they really want to do something for the future generations. While canning all those weak and rebellious students, they forget to help them out instead, by finding out their talents. The main purpose to educate is not there, but achieving good grade is everything.

You would say it's rather dangerous to approach these mentally unstable people personally.

Well, often they are fine at the beginning.

You know what, those low competency children weren't really cannot compete. It's just that their confidence is taken away by misery.

Adult can really encourage them by placing them at important position, giving them chance to learn and at the same time felt respected by the society.

It's life, but not always a competition. I see some of the people who stress too much on win and lose, ruin the whole game. Outstanding children were often chosen. We forgot that it's teamwork.

In Christian, we believe it's satanic work. People hear sound, see things, being given order to kill......these are all driven by demon. And if a family is to be broken down or having mentally ill members, it should be a curse.

But, God can change that.

But how would these people get comfort or know about God when we, the Christians never give a damn? When we never care for the needy?

I'm constantly reminding myself for that.

It's not that you see the chance to spread gospel and being so excited to read him/her the whole Bible.

But you should be a good listener and while giving advice, show God's love to a person.

Don't feel that the world is covered by dark, but instead seeking light from God.

Differentiation [not math]

I always wanted JPA as I need money to spend. I even planned for it. I'm thinking that after getting the money, I'll get myself an android, my sister a laptop and perhaps Astro that showed NG, DC for my sister and the Hokkien channel for my father. Father loves Hokkien drama. Then the rest of the money would be kept by mother. I planned that.

Would it be enough?

I never want to think about it.

However, I didn't apply JPA. Father wished to sponsor me for some reasons. And I guessed that all my plans would be canceled, not because that he didn't approve what would I do with the fund, but this time I'm getting FAMA, so I would like to use it wisely as I know I'm depriving family sources.

*FAMA=Father and Mother scholarship

It's just that Chinese made a phrase, '身不由己', meaning environment is taking over us.

This is why just now, when I asked again to myself why would I want to be a doctor, I'm shocked that the answer is so against the principles I'm holding steadfastly.

Maybe people will suggest me, when seeing me suffering now with all those medical terms that I don't even hear some of those, to let go the course and no grudges for doing things.

But amazingly, that mentality would never come to me, I can assure. As I always knew that God is with me. Taking from a forwarded email from a friend, 'When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities;
when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.'

That's just made me feel better!

Everything look tough. I'm just an ex-matric-physical student who is currently challenging myself to be collegue of STPM, A-Level and Matric Bio students who know what is TCA.

But I continue after I remind myself, 'God is with you.'

If I failed, there must be a reason. But the climax is not here, it's at the part where I'm willing to repeat the year and continue without feeling ashamed but instead knowing that I've tried my best.

And back to the question I posted to myself,

my answer were just, I want to be a doctor, I want to have money, I want to buy a house for my family, a farm, a few sheep and cows where my brothers could ride freely on the field and I want to give them the best of everything I can.

Then, I want to care for the poor, the widow and the orphan, that's what God wants.

But you see that I made the family first.

I suppose, it's also a reminder to some of you, don't make a principle a deadlock, like one of my friend said in his blog.

Instead, enjoy life. Cuz I have no affordability to think for the world first when the people I need to care for the most were just right in front of me.

Like if you ask me, why are you so happy to go to church?

I can't just merely answer that I enjoy so much the praise and worship for God. And my principle to be happy worshiping God brought me there. No. Definitely no.

I would like to tell, it's the day when I get to have good meal when I go to church cuz it's near to KB mall.

It's true.

But the most important part would be, I felt peace inside the House of Lord. When, everything that upset me in the whole week were thrown away. That's come with my enjoying of the worshiping.

Principle is not involved.

And that would be a new me? A time when this undifferentiated side differentiate?

Other people?

People are confused on street, or like everywhere.

Let say, if you try to hide some knowledge from your colleagues, so that you feel better than them. You think it helps your confidence and secures you. But at first, you wouldn't plan some concept in your mind, 'Other people are doing that too, why can't I?', so that there's no guilt for you to show a little selfishness, doing something exactly just for yourSELF.

Don't you think while other people doing that, I mean, being selfishy, they are having the same thought like you in their minds too? They would also think, 'Why can't I? Other people are doing that too.'

If everyone were to think other people are doing that, who exactly are 'the other people?' Ask yourself, would they just appear to be a projection of your subconscious?

If there are really 'other people' who start the whole things first, you just tend to follow the trend, then who would be those who start the whole things out? Or it just the little evil inside you give you the key for the door of sin?

Main point: Can we make a difference?

Mother gave me some really supportive words that I would like to share here.

She said, 'Things God ask us to do sometimes confused you cuz it seems to be just the opposite of how the world goes around. God said, 'If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.' So that he can strike my another cheek? And God even said, 'If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.'

She said,'You would wonder. What is this? How could I do that? Other people don't do that. They punch their enemies back, if it happens to be them being punched. But it ends up, what He told us to do are the Truth and the right things we had done.'

You might say, 'It's hard. We can't change the world.'

But God can make the difference.

I still remember a Pastor said in the last two Christian Fellowship, 'Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.'

I see that some people still haven't really understand the world had be fallen to two part, real world and the spiritual world, Christians are unaware of that. Often we love to stroll along the line between the light side and the dark side and sometimes closing an eye when we curi-curi step one foot to the dark side.

Furthermore, I hated to hear people say, 'This is the reality.' I often questioned, 'Who are you to define reality?' Are you the 'other people' whom other people had been following?

I know, it had been confusing.

So, God has made the simplest way for us. Why not follow it?

By the way, remember to smile always.

Kerana Nila Sebelanga

Let's take a review on a portion of USM APEX medical student because I felt like I had the worst ever English class in my whole life this morning.

It might sound boring that we were writing reports today, but in groups. Pn.T handed us some newspaper like The Star and New Strait Times to grab some material from it. I was excited for it when it came to having to touch the issue on the outside world.

This is all about my group member. One was late. So, two of them first chosen the UPSR and PMR topics when I had to remind them to pick something more interesting like 'Country Bleeding Sand'.

It was a topic about illegal sand mining in Malaysia and the article was reporting how those criminals worked things out and at the same time left damage to our country. They agreed with what I suggested by saying 'cincai la...' which means 'whatever'.

I was kinda offended with that when I saw the irresponsible attitude made by one member.

In short, the article is all about people using bribes, sexual favors and threat with gun to make their smuggling of sand outside a success despite ban from government on export of commodity. There are effects like the damage to animal habitat, deforestation, soil erosion and even sand storm when there are defects on mining process, maklumlah they are illegal.

I was the one who hold the pen and wrote but I didn't really get to decide what to be written down.

We skipped some frustrated part and just talked about the recommendations part. In a report, we actually need to recommend some solutions for the problem we issued.

Member A and B were discussing about it. And this is what they get.

Imposed heavier fine. To who? By who? I was wondering. Of course, expectantly it's by the authorities to those who committed it. But hey bro, now the problem is, authority is receiving bribes and they are closing an eye for what had happened.

And do you know what they reply me? Member A said, 'So, impose heavier fine on those who accept bribes lor.' Pheww...I don't think things always work by just imposing fine, fine, fine!

Then while I was asking member B for solution, he said, 'I think the major problem now is that Malaysian always talk talk talk only but they don't talk action. So, I think they should take action.' [Owh, that's the solution?] I think you are doing the same as what you said, talk, talk and talk.

Imagine, when we tried to work out the report, Member A just sat there, playing with his whatever expensive model cellphone and then read his own newspaper. One word, disrespect.

And Member C taught me a new word today, detrimental. I appreciated that. But when I asked her about the effects of the illegal sand mining, all she could say were just 'detrimental effect'. But she hardly could explain or to elaborate what was on the newspaper.

You know what, the problems are here. Learning language is different. It doesn't mean that you are superior when you know more vocab or spell something better than me. It's flexible and unpredictable. There are might be some words which I know, but you don't know.

What I try to stress on is, language comes with the origin speaker's culture. Like when you speak English, you should at the same time, possess the white culture where they respect people and they have amazing thinking skill on how to tackle a problem and solve it.

But this is lacking in here when people speak English to uplift their status and at the same time, they give up their mother language to adopt the former one.

That is not how the world goes around.

I didn't mean it for everyone. In fact, there are few students who are in the same English class did amazingly great and their desire to pursue knowledge stunned me.

And a friend of mine, Daniel who is also a bright student that currently takes law can be very critical when it comes to Malaysian issues, but indeed truthful.

Meanwhile, a website called loyarburok had opened my door to more wonderful Malaysian students.

So, Malaysia is actually boleh!!! It's just kerana nila sebelanga when majority of us care more about our own benefits.

One word, lame.

I'm not a coward or whatsoever to write it here instead of just telling them how I feel because I don't like to judge them to their faces, possibly, harmony always preserved.

Next post would be Ken Watanabe who ignited my interest again on filming by listening to his talk in CNN today.

God is good.

attempt to call Mom and say, 'I love you, God loves you too.'

Cuz this is the joy I have everyday when I humble myself and obey Him.

God is good.

what happen?

when we can dream, dream big.

and it's good that we work hard to work it out.

the joy that came when you get to harvest is enormous and satisfaction of you have trying your best is substantial.

and that's life.

except when we have forgotten how to enjoy the journey.

we forgot the purpose of our ambition at the very first.

we forgot that life contains other people.

and it's sad that at the end, you found no one to share your victory.

you found no one to be happy with your success.

and time is invested on merely what to be achieved.

yet the joy is not there.

and when all knowledge is to be filled,

and when you get to know everything on Earth,

the only word that gets to your heart is just 'meaningless'.

because, love, hope, faith and care were exchanged when you made your strategy.

memory is filled with notes but no happy moment.

ears are to listen to the lecture but not to a depressed friend.

eyes are to see what to be tested during exam but not what outside of it.

mouth is to murmur what you try to remember but not to voice out what you try to apply.

and it's horrible when you look back.

coming out of the shade: first do what I can

I was so excited about booking the Air Asia flight for my final break coming home to Penang, excluding how I really get back home later, the cost for flying from KB to KL then to Penang were just RM20. I couldn't help myself but yelled that, 'Yea, finally I can fly.' My friend gave me a stunning look as if she was tired by the domestic flights she had been experienced all these while.

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I moved!! Officially count on tomorrow, I supposed. I'm at DM3, 217 now, feel free to find me and laugh together.

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I'm involved in the Decor and I adopted some values from the meeting afterward but not just team work and punctuality that matter!!

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I knew the true meaning of Christian and I'm still growing up. Finally I know why I'm here.

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My friend reaction towards my over reaction on flights actually got me into a flicker of idea about life. Somehow, we couldn't feel a joy in someone who is enjoying something we probably is deserving and taking granted for it. She might feel that flying is nothing, she can just as many times as she want. She is in fact bored of it. But I felt so happy that for the first time I can be on the sky, watching Malaysia. Indeed for 18 years of my life, I had never tried what Wright Brothers wished to for me.

It made me thought of other people. I'm excited for the coming up flight but what about them? Do they happy if they are to be given a seat? Or they prefer us to give them food? I mean, those from the undeveloped country, the victims of poverty and starvation. What about those who need to go to school? Would it be that their joy will simply be triggered by just giving them a pencil rather than a flight?

I felt falling deep of a ocean. A place where it is too deep that I never thought I could reach out to it. I felt the true meaning of Christian. I was very radical before. I always hoped for the day of Salvation, but I never thought of others whom God loves too. I rejected modern music, Chinese culture as soon as I became a Christian. But God doesn't want this. All He wants is that, I love my neighbor as myself.

Like what Lenka sang, 'He's gonna play a part' in 'Trouble is a friend'. If we viewed trouble as a friend, actually we can stop or fix it faster if we felt that it's another platform for us to gain experience on this and know more of the sequence of world.

I don't want to lock myself in a box anymore. The box is too dark, deep and heavy. I felt alone inside there.

And this is why I moved out from my previous room cuz I'm seeking for something called respect. And I made the tolerance step for it. [Would be more detail in my next post]

And today's evening, I went for the Decor meeting. We formed a team that is going to decorate the backdrop for the Moon Cake Festival event later on. I felt that when there's a round table, when people sit in one group for discussion, respect is important. And my team leader really did that. He was actually listened to everyone's idea. This is how we form a team, how we make the 'team work' strong. We felt respected and we respected each other.

Because of time, I can't say much.

I might be little but I can try to do the very best to stress the point that, we are all equal.

Human are all equal, this is what I want to conclude.

Equally sinned, but equally loved by God.

Romans 5:8, "But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

My goal for now, love children and never fail them. Will be coming out with more goals in consistent with what I can do!

Don't let it bring you down

It was my first time on stage. Up there, watching by friends, those who knew me to witness my voice. And I screwed it.

I was knowing it the moment I sang the chorus of 'You Raise Me Up'. I couldn't make it for the pitch and people were giving that disappointing look while I chose not to finish the song.

I can't say that I'm fine.

I was thinking of calling Mom, telling her I failed.

But after all, I didn't do it as I felt it's time for me to face things myself especially this experience that once hit me to the endless valley. I felt as if it's the end of the world when I passed over the mic and got back to my seat.

A moment where I failed on something I'm really confident with. I don't even give a damn when I was rejected for badminton, Frisbee or whatsoever. But failing this, even just before a few people whom of some I don't know, I felt like losing my soul.

Singing will never be taken place by other thing I cherish so much after praying.

Friends are caring. I know. But I don't want to hear anything like 'you can get over this' or 'everybody has his/her first time'......

I don't want to get over this, I want to get better on this!

I felt the presence of God.

And this is time for me to grow up, to accept the fact we fail but we should never be shy to stand up again.

Once, I was afraid...by the eyes of people.

But my friend reminded me, God is my greatest audience.

And I never felt so good. You know, being in Uni, at least they gave me a chance to try, rejecting me yet providing me a platform to improve.

Just the word 'strong', you know, there are not much people who could really posses it.

I admitted that, I'm upset.

But I'm willing to stand up again and be better. I never question about my inability in singing, it's just I'm improving.

I wanna be like Annie Lennox. I wanna sing and deliver people's message to the world through my voice. I wanna tell people what is happening and why they are so important to know about it. I wanna persuade people to do something about it, calling them for support.

Like what Annie Lennox said on BBC which I cherished very much, here's the gist, 'I'm very low, but I'm having all these kinds of rights, food, national health which other people cannot have. My education made a platform for me to help other people.'

Then it's true, like what she said,' The amount of money that would need to be invested to save people's lives on a massive scale isn't that much'.

'We are not going to say we can make poverty a history in long term, but at least we contribute something.'

I would never give up my ambition nor my thoughts would be monitored by the world's fear.

People around me were fear and wouldn't dare exactly doing something. And I had to said, 'They are stuck by fact, by presenting fact but not doing anything for it.'

This is the problem of Malaysia. We don't implement what we preach.

We rather be good on the stage and when we came down from it, we took off the burdening cloak. The motivation we were delivering were gone with us.

People know a lot of things and I actually appreciate very much that we have so many best quality of university students. But none of them who I regarded as very excellent colleagues make use of their knowledge that empower them.

I even see people telling me not to deliberately asking for wax paper for catering food instead of polystyrene. They claimed that these give minor effects and in fact no influence to the go-green effort.

I see them having the hunger to do something big. Probably something superb that can recover the world within a short time. But remember that, we took many years to destroy the Mother Earth. And we can't just take a few seconds to fix everything.

That we should have consider too, daily basis, weekly basis, monthly basis and years'.

There are people outside who don't worry about how many lecture notes they had finished but the ability if they could have their next meal or their dying son with born HIV.

Don't keep saying, 'You'll never know' but get to know this.

At the time, I just wanna say, it doesn't stop me from trying to do what I want even being stranded here, taking medical doctor. I knew God has His own work for me.

At last but not at least, 'Taking medic doesn't mean we have to be doctor, we can be contributor of the world.'

Take note that, I'm not kidding on those things.







It doesn't matter if the stream is narrow or wide. Your goal may be attainable next week or seem years beyond the horizon. There is always that first stepping-stone to start you on the journey.

Challenging a problem begins with embracing it rather than resisting it. Accepting the truth about what is so places us in a position to learn and move forward.

-both by Steve Brunkhorst

briefly stated

I saw this on my friend's facebook profile about herself, 'I abhor not being myself.'

And I'm more than agreeing what she said.

We should be who we are but not, who we should be for the others.

And this is who I am.

I'm not good at badminton but it's the only sport I can play. I like football only when people allow me to kick it. I like cricket just because I feel it somehow relates to softball, the only game I love. [People in India hang themselves when they lose in cricket, so it's kinda grisly.] I once hope I can race on bike, especially the thrilling one where we have to cross mud.

I'm not as polite as you see. I'm rude and rebellious at home whenever parents opinions are incongruent with mine. I've just noticed that the gap between us is getting bigger and eventually all I can do is just respecting them, but not following them.

I'm a very confident person but I never like to show it in front of people.

I'm very quiet and love to spend time with myself when the topic does not meet my interest. Otherwise, you would see the side of me who talk more than you can imagine.

No one is my enemy. I treat everyone as friend. It just that, I knew we don't have much to talk before I even step in your shoes.

In my perception, friends are made to leave a footprint in our life. But that footprint is not necessary made from talking and spending night together on a trip. Sometimes, you've become friend inside my heart even tough we never talk with each other for more than one sentence.

I want to be a doctor but my ambition is a film director.

I love art but I don't like it when people use it as an excuse for insanity, lust and obscenity.

I might look unpredictable, giving people feeling of insecure but that's not me.

Things I enjoyed the most in the world is singing, blogging and movie. I'm a TV fanatic and I won't know when people talk to me while I'm watching TV or thinking. I can't be drifted from this dreaded hobby.

I'm not sporty but I think passive fits in very well.

I have my very own way of thinking and every second is my rush hour. Whenever one's principle crashes mine, he/she will stay as my friend but never best friend. My time can't afford walking relaxingly with one, and chatting about something I disagree very much.

Don't just give me an opportunity when you feel like to. I'm not a beggar who doesn't has a choice.

I love reading but not for English novels. Their literature stunned me and their storyline impressed me but my patience can't fight with the pages.

I love reading and I think the only author that can make me finished his book is Jin Yong.

I like English very much and I learn them for interest but this interest never beat the one I have for Chinese.

There are things we can do and can't do. In case you understand, 'can do and can't do' are referring to the same matter.

I'm a Christian, hope you know that. Unaware, I don't decide things for myself anymore. Often things you see I'm doing, they are all God's decisions.

Light it up BLUE

2 days ago, while waiting for bus ride home, I ran into a senior who took speech pathology at my campus. It was embarrassing that I knew absolutely nothing about it, I even related it with autopsy for once as people kept emphasizing the 'pathology' whenever it was mentioned.

For your information, the subject is named 'speech therapy' in UK.

Well, it's a field that concerns about those patients who have difficulties to speak. This is serious, not something you can just solve by patting on someone's shoulder.

Everyday we talk, in a way, a hope and a desire to establish a relationship that benefits, that makes you feel good when you defeat loneliness with it. When we talked, within seconds, audiences grasped what it is about you and you should be prepared for presenting yourself. We sweat our palms, our heart almost jump out from chest and we struggle hard to think how to impress people by our talk, the talk that label ourselves and help people to measure us.

And imagine, some of us are worrying how to open out their mouths and make a sound.

This is an issue that requires attention.

The future generation especially these children, who're having autism or fear to talk to people are shockingly a building up statistic.

I don't know how bad it hits Malaysia, but I see kids with it. If we narrow down to just focus on autism, it could be worse if more and more children refused to speak and couldn't go to school.

This has come to impacts on the education and next would be the generation that should be leading the country.

Amusingly, I only found this on the website when it was held 4 months ago, back in New York when at the same time I was celebrating April Fools' Day by pulling a prank on friends in the Matriculation.

It's called Light It Up Blue.

Sadly, I see nothing similar with it, here.

It's actually an awareness campaign about the autism, an disorder which people have to know what is it.

On the night of April 1, prominent buildings across North America and the world — including the Empire State Building in New York City and the CN Tower in Toronto, Canada — were lit up blue to raise awareness for autism and to commemorate World Autism Awareness Day on Friday, April 2.

They were aiming to light the world blue all throughout April — city by city, town by town — by taking action to raise autism awareness in their communities.

What people can do during Light it up Blue?

• Wear your Autism Speaks puzzle piece pin every day throughout the month of April, and tell people about autism if they ask about it.
• Change your Facebook profile picture to the Light It Up Blue logo and tag at least 10 of your friends.
• Post on your blog about how you are “lighting it up blue” to raise autism awareness.
• Add the Light It Up Blue logo to your e-mail signature … and type your e-mails in blue!
• Wear blue clothing and ask your co-workers, schools and friends to wear blue too. Take pictures and add them to our Flickr gallery.
• Bake puzzle piece shaped cookies and frost them with blue icing, then bring them to your school, work or place of worship to raise autism awareness.

You'll feel there's nothing much people can do about it but for sure, it helps, at least letting some of the people heard of the word, 'autism' for their first time and then they will mention it many times later by involving themselves in the process of advocating.

I remembered a friend said, 'Knowledge is power, but action is ultimatum'. [Wow!]

It was a world event. I tried to bing about it in Malaysia, but I found nothing.

Fortunately, we got this EAP (Early Autism Project). But the saddest part is, they don't include adolescent, that undergoes hard phase. However, they have a very high goal that at least brings comfort to the parents. If we don't raise awareness high enough, many wouldn't even know what's wrong with their child. Mostly, the syndrome shows itself at the early of three. But parents were just trying to convince that their children were just being unique.

Often, this kind of thinking plants regret to themselves for getting the kid treatment late!

And the best therapy should be happened at the earliest stage of brain, whenever it is malleable.

I just wish, at the same time university students are given space to contribute too...for more events that we should concern about.

The idea is not there yet, maybe at least our first instinct tells us, we should do something.

Some of the steps in our lives might seem small and low, but it's actually telling other people to learn from you and it's important that we always learn from each other.

At least, you might be interested to find out more about autism after this.