Differentiation [not math]

I always wanted JPA as I need money to spend. I even planned for it. I'm thinking that after getting the money, I'll get myself an android, my sister a laptop and perhaps Astro that showed NG, DC for my sister and the Hokkien channel for my father. Father loves Hokkien drama. Then the rest of the money would be kept by mother. I planned that.

Would it be enough?

I never want to think about it.

However, I didn't apply JPA. Father wished to sponsor me for some reasons. And I guessed that all my plans would be canceled, not because that he didn't approve what would I do with the fund, but this time I'm getting FAMA, so I would like to use it wisely as I know I'm depriving family sources.

*FAMA=Father and Mother scholarship

It's just that Chinese made a phrase, '身不由己', meaning environment is taking over us.

This is why just now, when I asked again to myself why would I want to be a doctor, I'm shocked that the answer is so against the principles I'm holding steadfastly.

Maybe people will suggest me, when seeing me suffering now with all those medical terms that I don't even hear some of those, to let go the course and no grudges for doing things.

But amazingly, that mentality would never come to me, I can assure. As I always knew that God is with me. Taking from a forwarded email from a friend, 'When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities;
when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.'

That's just made me feel better!

Everything look tough. I'm just an ex-matric-physical student who is currently challenging myself to be collegue of STPM, A-Level and Matric Bio students who know what is TCA.

But I continue after I remind myself, 'God is with you.'

If I failed, there must be a reason. But the climax is not here, it's at the part where I'm willing to repeat the year and continue without feeling ashamed but instead knowing that I've tried my best.

And back to the question I posted to myself,

my answer were just, I want to be a doctor, I want to have money, I want to buy a house for my family, a farm, a few sheep and cows where my brothers could ride freely on the field and I want to give them the best of everything I can.

Then, I want to care for the poor, the widow and the orphan, that's what God wants.

But you see that I made the family first.

I suppose, it's also a reminder to some of you, don't make a principle a deadlock, like one of my friend said in his blog.

Instead, enjoy life. Cuz I have no affordability to think for the world first when the people I need to care for the most were just right in front of me.

Like if you ask me, why are you so happy to go to church?

I can't just merely answer that I enjoy so much the praise and worship for God. And my principle to be happy worshiping God brought me there. No. Definitely no.

I would like to tell, it's the day when I get to have good meal when I go to church cuz it's near to KB mall.

It's true.

But the most important part would be, I felt peace inside the House of Lord. When, everything that upset me in the whole week were thrown away. That's come with my enjoying of the worshiping.

Principle is not involved.

And that would be a new me? A time when this undifferentiated side differentiate?