I was knowing it the moment I sang the chorus of 'You Raise Me Up'. I couldn't make it for the pitch and people were giving that disappointing look while I chose not to finish the song.
I can't say that I'm fine.
I was thinking of calling Mom, telling her I failed.
But after all, I didn't do it as I felt it's time for me to face things myself especially this experience that once hit me to the endless valley. I felt as if it's the end of the world when I passed over the mic and got back to my seat.
A moment where I failed on something I'm really confident with. I don't even give a damn when I was rejected for badminton, Frisbee or whatsoever. But failing this, even just before a few people whom of some I don't know, I felt like losing my soul.
Singing will never be taken place by other thing I cherish so much after praying.
Friends are caring. I know. But I don't want to hear anything like 'you can get over this' or 'everybody has his/her first time'......
I don't want to get over this, I want to get better on this!
I felt the presence of God.
And this is time for me to grow up, to accept the fact we fail but we should never be shy to stand up again.
Once, I was afraid...by the eyes of people.
But my friend reminded me, God is my greatest audience.
And I never felt so good. You know, being in Uni, at least they gave me a chance to try, rejecting me yet providing me a platform to improve.
Just the word 'strong', you know, there are not much people who could really posses it.
I admitted that, I'm upset.
But I'm willing to stand up again and be better. I never question about my inability in singing, it's just I'm improving.
I wanna be like Annie Lennox. I wanna sing and deliver people's message to the world through my voice. I wanna tell people what is happening and why they are so important to know about it. I wanna persuade people to do something about it, calling them for support.
Like what Annie Lennox said on BBC which I cherished very much, here's the gist, 'I'm very low, but I'm having all these kinds of rights, food, national health which other people cannot have. My education made a platform for me to help other people.'
Then it's true, like what she said,' The amount of money that would need to be invested to save people's lives on a massive scale isn't that much'.
'We are not going to say we can make poverty a history in long term, but at least we contribute something.'
I would never give up my ambition nor my thoughts would be monitored by the world's fear.
People around me were fear and wouldn't dare exactly doing something. And I had to said, 'They are stuck by fact, by presenting fact but not doing anything for it.'
This is the problem of Malaysia. We don't implement what we preach.
We rather be good on the stage and when we came down from it, we took off the burdening cloak. The motivation we were delivering were gone with us.
People know a lot of things and I actually appreciate very much that we have so many best quality of university students. But none of them who I regarded as very excellent colleagues make use of their knowledge that empower them.
I even see people telling me not to deliberately asking for wax paper for catering food instead of polystyrene. They claimed that these give minor effects and in fact no influence to the go-green effort.
I see them having the hunger to do something big. Probably something superb that can recover the world within a short time. But remember that, we took many years to destroy the Mother Earth. And we can't just take a few seconds to fix everything.
That we should have consider too, daily basis, weekly basis, monthly basis and years'.
There are people outside who don't worry about how many lecture notes they had finished but the ability if they could have their next meal or their dying son with born HIV.
Don't keep saying, 'You'll never know' but get to know this.
At the time, I just wanna say, it doesn't stop me from trying to do what I want even being stranded here, taking medical doctor. I knew God has His own work for me.
At last but not at least, 'Taking medic doesn't mean we have to be doctor, we can be contributor of the world.'
Take note that, I'm not kidding on those things.
It doesn't matter if the stream is narrow or wide. Your goal may be attainable next week or seem years beyond the horizon. There is always that first stepping-stone to start you on the journey.
Challenging a problem begins with embracing it rather than resisting it. Accepting the truth about what is so places us in a position to learn and move forward.
-both by Steve Brunkhorst
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