Fakers

I guess in our lives, we met a lot of fakers. Almost everywhere, even in church.

During school days, when you asked you friends how had they prepared for the test, they would most probably said, 'Nah, I haven't read anything.'

And I know well that you and I despised these kinds of fakers because we always think relationship is ought to be honest and true after all.

This is something I heard from the movie 'To save a life' during CF just now, a youth pastor was telling the youth, 'Church is a place where you should be who you really are but not coming to pretend that you got all well.'

But most of us carried this feeling to church, to CF, to any meeting with brothers and sisters so that we looked fine to them and then we went back to another miserable week.

And I thank God that because of the LOVE He had showered upon me for the years I had been with Him, I realized that hating the fakers won't help them at all.

Frankly, before I met Christ, I would give you the same answer, 'Nah, I haven't read anything' if you would ask me.

Now, maybe you do not feel honesty from the person telling you this, but don't you ever want to have a guess that maybe this person talking to you right now is faking because he/she just doesn't have enough confidence to tell you the truth.

Fakers are but a group of people lacking of love and is earning love from people by hiding who they are because they too are ashamed of themselves.

And the part you see in me isn't the me being religious. No, Jesus is not a religion to me. He is a friend.

I got a friend who always telling me in a sarcastic manner that I am religious.

Now if I'm telling you that if I am still following the law and I would try to accomplish by obeying the law, then I'm dead!

Because it's IMPOSSIBLE!

It's impossible that you can follow the law to a standard where you can make right with God.

The part of my life you see in me, loving my God, putting my God first, avoiding things that would offend my God is actually given by Jesus Christ Himself.

I'm saved by Grace, not by law. Law is just telling me what mistakes I made.

Sometimes I would make mistake. But God is merciful. He allowed space for failure. But as fast as I can, I turn back to Him and He would hold my hand again like a Father, guiding me towards the right path.

So, if you see a faker today, you should feel how insecure is it inside of him/her, it is to a degree that he/she has to deny his/her own self worthiness.

God doesn't make us to feel unworthy.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Only His LOVE can give us the true security, not the person we try to please, not the person we try to earn approval from, not the public we have to purposely behave towards, not the fame, the money, the status or a bunch of friends that would show up only if you can do them any good.

If you see people faking today, remember how Jesus had came to die for you and them.

From my experience, I guess the biggest hindrance for us to reach out is our inability to accept people weakness and to replace judgment with love.

The most striking question I got from the movie today, 'Who had you judged today?'.

Do we really have to squeeze in so much to the world culture that we start to develop our attitude, our speaking manner, our socializing skill based on what the magazine, TV, vampire diary and gossip girl told us?

Do we have to XOXO when gossip girl is doing XOXO?

Do we have to shout fighting fighting when korean pop stars are doing the same thing?

It's not like the whole world is faking but we are not.

But Jesus Christ can give you the freedom from all these things.

You just have to let the light meets the dark.

I guess this song will help you know more about it:)this is not the whole Christian thing after all, this is about finding who you really are, the one God created you to be.

Beauty

Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. -John 15:4

2 days ago, I saw on TV that London is having an exhibition of almost all Da Vinci's paintings. Different country were sending in his works just so that all his works can be shown at the same time. There are so many fans of him and one of his fan looked so excited when being interviewed. From there, I found out that Da Vinci was an impatient man. Most of his works were unfinished but he was good at drawing woman, in detail of their expressions.

I guess the beauty behind all these, why do people admire Da Vinci and also many other painters weren't just about their arts, but is how all these brilliant minds can maneuver their hands to paint out such beautiful picture...how they turn a blank paper into something beautiful or more precisely, perhaps we envy of their ability to see something beautiful each time out of a blank paper.

There is a time where I once struggled on the word 'holy'. I always wonder what is this mean? What are the measurement or standard to define 'holy'? How shall we judge if a person is 'holy'? 'Holy' saints, why are they 'holy'?

I was lost. I didn't know how to live up to my Father's expectation. Not that I'm knowing that God doesn't expect out of us.

And so I trained myself. I woke up at 5 every morning to pray. I remained silent when people were arguing. I only listened to Christian music. I stopped watching any movie. I worked very hard on the study. I forced myself to bear with it when people tried to pick a fight. I prayed before I slept. I spent time on the Words.

I was actually satisfied with what I had done.

But deep down in myself, I know that I wasn't being me. I was forcing some behavioral change in myself in order to please God. Then I was tired, I collapsed only to find that this is just a temporal change.

There is a saying that goes, 'Beauty lies in the eyes of beholder.'

After reading the novel 'The Shack', I found an answer to my question.

God doesn't expect me. He knows me. He knows me well, that He doesn't have to expect me.

All of us is like the blank paper, where we see nothing outside but God sees a lot of beauty in us.

I agree to those who said God is the best painter. Because He sees us lovely and holy. Holy is not the requirement. It is already what He had seen in us.

I just have to be myself. Because I'm no more under the Law.

You may wonder, what if things fall apart?

I just need to have the trust in Him.

God doesn't want me to set up some hierarchy or pyramid and put Him on the top just like that.

He wants every piece of me, everyday.

I just hope I can see things like Him, not the outward appearance but the inner heart.

Our souls are like a garden, together with the Holy Spirit, we are working on the garden everyday.

I can't explain, I only know that it needs obedience, submission and most of all LOVE.

You will feel differently when you see the world with His gracious eyes:)

Words can never say the way He says my name
He calls me lovely
No one ever sees the way He looks at me
He sees me holy

-Sing My Love by Jesus Culture

P.s Romans 12 can be a good starting point.

Reality is ODD.

After all, real things are not simple. Reality is usually very odd. "It's not neat, not obvious, not what you expect...this is one of the reason why I believe Christianity. It is a religion you could not have guessed." -C.S LEWIS.

Last CF, our speaker Michael William talked about trinity. And he quoted Lewis just to tell us that reality is not simple, it cannot be made simple, one of the example is trinity. If we find trinity hard to understand, it doesn't mean it is not existing. And if we think we know God good enough, this is hilarious cuz a thing being created can never fully understand their Creator. No man can stand up and claim this is the God we believe in as described in his own human ways and thinks that they are right. Then, how shall we know who we believe in? Piece of cake. We look into the Bible. Because that's the Truth. But God is a lot more than that, He is too supreme and only those who seek Him with their hearts that God would reveal to them.

When I first heard this quote, I found it related to myself. I was so encouraged with this quote cuz when people were wondering why I failed my exam[even if myself], I couldn't find a word for it. But now this thing doesn't really bothering me anymore, cuz reality is odd, and I started to forgive those who misunderstand me cuz they didn't know the reality.

And through what I had experienced, I found that God taught me a very important lesson[of course, there are many lessons that come together during the time], He asked me not to judge. I felt sorry because sometimes I couldn't but to judge people. But now that I found everyone around could have been judging me for my failure without knowing the story behind or the reality, I know that I might be just one of them when I looked to another person's mistakes.

Another thing is, God is so superior, of course we admit that and we sing about that but when a situation came, do we usually stick back to what we believe? Whether good things or bad things happen, God is always in control. There's a funny quote on fb that says, God might have 3 kinds of answers to your prayer, 1. Yes. 2. Not Yet. 3. I have better in my mind.

So, whether it's sickness or failure or trauma or tragedy......or let us quote back from Paul...

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.- Romans 8

And bad things will happen to good people. So, reality is odd and it's not of what you can expect. You don't expect Christians to be rich, healthy and not dying. In fact, Christians have to die everyday, to their sins.

Same to the failure I once had. Friends are somehow sad for what had happened. But Praise the LORD that Father of all loving had turned evil into good.

This came to me when I reached here, And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.- Philippians 4:7

My testimony is much related to the Forgotten God. I'm waiting on Him to make me tell.

PASSION

One thing I didn't like about blogging was often I found my posts at different time were contradicting. This was actually bothering me for quite some time where I decided to give up blogging for readers would find me a rather unstable person. My stands were not stable.

End up, I discovered that this is actually a good thing, it means that I am constantly growing and changing my perspectives.

Or to say, if I am willing to be committed to this relationship with God, He will constantly bring me from one place to another place, like a teacher, teaching His daughter new things everyday.

If we tried to act smart, we would remain in the same place and God wouldn't move. Because at the time we felt so proud about what we knew, it was hard for us to accept something that would freak us out yet that is supernaturally true.

This is why Jesus said, '“I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. ²⁶ Yes, Father, for this is what you were pleased to do..." -Matthew 11:25

I used to be so sensitive to people around that I chose to be silent rather than saying something wrong. I chose to give up blogging because I dare not to have any defect in my writing. I was so indecisive in making choice for fearing any choice would be a regret. I hardly cracked a joke as I was afraid that the situation would turn silent rather than to laughter.

After all I found these were unhealthy feeling.

Believe it or not, life's worth making mistakes. If we seek to be perfect in all things, this is not a life anymore.

Just as if we seek to be smiling all days but prohibiting ourselves from crying and feeling angry, then we are not human anymore.

Live life and live with passion.

If we are not passionate at all about what we are going to do but instead always stick to low-risk choices that would make us sound and safe, then you are BORING!

Don't weigh the benefits and harmful effects when we are doing things.

Do the things we love, Love the things we do!

Be BOLD, Be PASSIONATE, Be THANKFUL, Be LOVING!

His Grace is sufficient for us after all.

PASSION IN ANCIENT GREEK MEANS TO SUFFER!

So, are you ready?

inside the water...

(Today, I awkwardly put on swim suit for the first time of my life and together with my gut, I soaked myself into the water...)

The feeling being inside the water is so different......

As I (I was taught to) took a deep breath using my mouth(hooo) and immersed my head into the water, I see a different world, a different dimension(through my goggle), with the light shine into the water(I only get to see this a lot in movies) and that is so beautiful...

Instant peace came when the voice from the outside world is filtered...

(They told me to relax)

And so I let go everything...I wasn't using any force...and then amazingly, I felt a force was lifting me up...and I was floating...I was floating...

This made me to come to think of God...

God asked us to let go every burdens and took up His yoke. But how many of us has actually listened?

When we are trying to depend on ourselves, just like for the first time before I was taught, I tried to kick my legs so that my body could float, but I couldn't and I sank and then I started to be panic...

When I tried for the second time, and for this time, I was completely surrendered to the water, letting the flow to bring me where to be, and surprisingly I found myself being lifted up...

And that is just so peaceful, when I finally let go...and I managed to see another dimension of things through the water, like which the problems we often made big by our own pessimism...

The feeling inside the water is so good, now I know why Bethany Hamilton would love the water so much...

just wanna end with Psalm 131 here...

Psalm 131

A song of ascents. Of David.

¹ My heart is not proud, LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
² But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.

³ Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

Man looks at the outward appearance

It had been a long vacation away from my blog. But I really feel like sharing this as I think it is something worth to be pondered.

Just now as I laid on my bed and prepared to hibernate, a verse came across my mind.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.

This is from 1st Samuel 16:7.

I felt guilty when I thought of it as I really had to admit that yea, sometimes or maybe all the time, I was looking at the outward appearance.

Only LORD looks at the heart.

So, my mind began to search for people whom I might have mistreated just because I looked at their appearances instead of their hearts.

Surprisingly, yes, I found a few. More surprisingly, their hearts are not attractive as well. and worst, their attitudes could be putting your patience into test.

So, this came to my mind. I found that TV is cheating us all the time. They liked to make up story where the pretty one always come to bully the outwardly not attractive one. Those who are not beautiful outwardly are always beautiful inwardly. But no, not really applicable.

In fact, they are worst. And I found that I can explain this for them. Self-pity and jealousy. 'Why am I not smart enough, pretty enough, handsome enough, fast enough?' 'Why am I always the last?' 'Why is he getting the good things all the time?'

So, horribly, this turn to rage after a long period of time. People curse. 'Hopefully she won't make it this time.' Or gossip...'This guy looks handsome but actually I found that he doesn't shower.' etc, etc, etc......

Can you see that? Can you see what comes out when people simply think they are not good enough?

So, why would we always find we are not good enough? Why would these people being so miserable? Do they deserve to be self-pity, to curse?

NO.

Because again, the LORD looks at the heart. If you measure by what the LORD sees and not by what people sees, you can't be burdened at all.

Or to say, you can't be bothered.

Imagine that the LORD is looking at our hearts and He found all these wicked ways in us, how awkward He would be if He were to act like us? But GOD is GOD, Hallelujah!

We felt awkward being with people who appeared not cute enough for us. Don't you think Jesus feel awkward as well when you behaved in such a way, claiming yourself as His follower?

and Praise the LORD, when He looked at all these wicked ways, for He so loved the world, He gave His One and Only Son, so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have an everlasting life. (John 3:16)

Even tough the LORD looks at the heart, He still forgave for what we contained.

I guess for people, we would celebrate when the person who were annoying to us had perished.

In my own understanding, people who do not have God bear self-pity often. This includes those who believe in God but doesn't put God in the first place of their lives or maybe even out of their Top Ten lists.

Self-pity shows that you do not appreciate who you are(as a child of God) or what you have(what God would provide you).

When we don't look to God, often we forget who we are and what we have in Him.

When we acknowledged Jesus is the LORD of our lives, all these things such as, 'Why she is always the one who receives attention? Why he is popular among the girls? Why is he so good in studies? Why she can have a Platinum credit card for shopping?'

All these things do not bother us anymore when we know that Jesus is with us. He is more than all these things.

Let me quote from Jake Hamilton's 'Freedom Calling' here,

"What have I to lose, if all I have is You

What I have to give, that wasn't given
I know that You have set me free, and freedom's never free
King of Glory, have Your way in me"

You might wonder what about those who are born rich, handsome, pretty...I mean, come on, they worry more as they are always striving to be the best among the best since the best is still not the best. And those who seems to be rich in resources, I started feeling pity for them, cuz their lives would be so poor. Their view is limited to one side of the world, the good things, pretty things, expensive things......

Sometimes, my life can be motivated by the desire to glorify God.

But, I found I must look to Jesus again. Cuz when I'm trying to use the world to glorify God, God doesn't like it. He owns the world. He doesn't need us to provide Him good grade, high ranking or bla bla bla...whatever in our minds.

He doesn't want us to try to glorify His name in our own way but in His way.

Things we always think to be for His glory often are not.

If I was to achieve something by competing, by being selfish, by refusing people,

then I gained what I wanted,

People would think that I am good, but they would never trust that the all-loving God is with me.

So, I guess that comes back to what Jake Hamilton said again,

'King of Glory, have Your way in me'.

Loneliness

I was a witness.

A witness of a group of bullies taking away a boy, a future and a life.

And whenever I told people about it, I hate the sad look in respond, because no matter how compassionate people feel about it, it won't help.

Now I understand part of the reasons why I slipped and fell. Cuz I had to feel what my brother had felt.

and now I felt it.

I'm having a hard time. Fear of being looked down by people. Fear of speaking out. No more confidence. Only disappointment on myself to bring such a shame to my family. Only anger on myself for not being able to contribute.

and during this hard time at home, enduring, grappling,...... friend who would be taking more than 5 minutes just to comfort or catching up with how am I doing is none.

there was Chinese guy in my campus. repeater. once a top ranking student at a Chinese school which every Chinese parents would have dreamed for their children to be accepted into. It would be glory to the family if you got into that school.

but he failed. repeated. then I heard from some sources that he was too caught up with online games that he failed the second time and officially got kicked out.

for the first time i heard this, i shook my head. I guessed some of my friends do the same. to be honest, why is he so stupid to give up himself?

but then I looked at myself now. I felt so lonely. so without friends, support and encouragement. all my friends were busy with new camps, new events, new places to go. in fact, i only realized, in my whole life, i never really got a true friend, those are just friends for chatting tabs, supper and maybe some outing.

then I thought, perhaps, no one ever told this guy that he could stand up again. maybe they sympathized him a little bit at the start, and fired the most horrible question each time they saw him, 'How are you doing?'

then in our little mind with wounded pride, we would think, 'Of course I'm not doing good, I failed, you know it.' then, doubts stir in our head because we practically assumed everyone to treat us not the same again, they will treat us as a "REPEATER".

and even the 'How are you doing?' is so fake that these people would walk away as soon as there is another appropriate friend and conversation.

i mean, for some people, if you're not good at doing this, at showing compassion, why you have to do this in half way?

so this guy hopes for a friend, wishes for someone to talk, desires to be appreciated.

but no one ever told him that he can do it on the course.

so he sought for ways to be appreciated, one of them was playing online games with friends, showing off them that, 'i can still do something even tough i'm failed'. this is just a guess.

then, he started all kinds of weird actions to catch people's attention. eventually, everyone walks away. so the world becomes more lonely and lonely.

now his only got friends like games, internet and many others. like in any movie we can see, when people started to fall, people walk away.

and for the first time in my life, this is how I feel.

but when I feel so lonely, so without friends,

what about David?

In his hardest time to deal with bullies almost every single day, he never told us a word about it.

and we never asked. we never cared.

when he got problem, i never gave a pat on his shoulder, i never took a caring look at him, i never even said a word for support. in fact, the whole family did.

we never treated him the same again, we took him as abnormal, we kept ourselves, our hearts, our love away from him.

worst, we really made him feel like he is not contributing at all, he is not appreciated.

his world is so lonely, so dark and grey. no friend is there for him. what the school and childhood reminded him of, were cases of humiliation in front of the class, being told to sit outside the class, being beaten up and being silent at home.

and then when Mom came to deal with this, there is no hug, no love but tears that told him about her disappointment and lots and lots of medicine since then.

before we came to know the Lord, he always wanted to be monk. and tonight my Mom told me she finally knew why.

we were all curious to see such an odd interest he had when he requested to be monk. that would mean no more life.

which answered the whole question. he didn't want a life anymore cuz the world disappointed him, the classmates, the teachers, and worst his family, his sister who could only scold for his mistakes.

his world is even lonelier than mine. cuz for some of the years, he hadn't know about God.

in my hardest time, I have Jesus as friend to talk.

but in his hardest time, he is just himself.

i remembered when i got into accident last year. he prayed for me all the way to hospital, that means an hour from N.T to Penang island.

but today, when i heard about his condition, i was so quiet that i didn't know how to pray for him. in fact, i was so cold-blooded that i refused to care.

cuz i had my own problem now(i failed?)? is that my reason?

could it be others people reason too when they are just too busy to care?

what is my failure when it's compared to David?

what is my loneliness when it's compared to David?

what is my disappointment when it's compared to David?

what is my grumble when it's compared to David?

for the first time, I really wanted to pray for God to take away his life because he had suffered enough. He Had!

those who had read this, please pray for my brother, David. thank you.

There's been a death.

A family friend's husband died three days ago. We didn't attend the funeral. The wife was so sad that she wasn't able to reply anyone's call or message because she would be crying and just crying on the phone, so let alone to inform more people about it. I guess only close relatives were there for her.

We got the news by today from a text by her no. But I thought someone else was using her cellphone to made this known to people. My mother was shocked that she could only ask 'why?'.

'Heart attack.'

Malaysia Number 1 Killer.

I really wish that she can be strong and people around her would take time to give her support. Because it must be hard for her that she just accepted her little girl's death few years ago of sickness. Now only a son is left with her, who is going to sit for PMR.

I couldn't describe how I feel. Because I just met this Uncle few weeks ago. He was friendly, cheerful and we were on the topic of sandwich business when our family paid the visit. But now he was gone. He looked fine and healthy but he was gone. His passing away had told us another story where he did a cardio surgery about 10 years ago.

And his death made a lot of things flashed through my mind even tough I was not close to this Uncle. He was just a husband to a friend who had been nice to our family. Two of which he reminded were the poem we once learnt.

And then the milliner, and the man

Of the appalling trade,To take the measure of the house.There'll be that dark parade.

-Taken from There's been a death in the opposite house, Emily Dickinson

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day To the last syllable of recorded time,And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death.Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot,full of sound and fury Signifying nothing.

-Life's Brief Candle, William Shakespeare

The first poem gave me a feel of the numbness of death. It was as if these are the things that will naturally occur followed a person's death in any house. In the last stanza, she said, 'It's as easy as a sign'. A sign of people died and you knew it when you saw the numb look on people. No one escapes death and no one escapes what they have to go through when death happens.

And William Shakespeare was fury with life and made a really real reality check with everyone, To the last syllable of recorded time,And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death.

I was also reminded about an incident few years ago. Where in a way back home from grocery store, I saw an old man who would always walked with his cane everyday back and forth using the same road and he had just fallen down right in front of my eyes. I hurried over and tried to help him up. But I realized I was too weak to lift him and awkwardly I put him back down to the dusty, rocky road. I took his cane which fell at the side and put it back to his hand. With the cane, himself and a little help from me, he managed to get up.

His head were covered with dust and blood. I helped him to sit on a stone bench. I grabbed his cap and handed to him. He said thank you and I asked if I could help him to walk back home but he said he was fine. And then he kept explaining that he had been old and it was just easier for him to fall. I hurried home with my bike and told my family about it. I was going to grab an umbrella for him because it seemed like it was going to be raining.

My father was proud of what I was doing even tough he didn't say it. But grandmother was angry and said what if the old man died the moment I was helping him. It was like some sort of pantang for Chinese and they didn't easily go help some old man look like will be dying soon. I hadn't come to know the Lord at the time and I was so surprised with the respond from people. I meant I was always thinking we should help people in need.

And I saw outside my house, the old man was walking again in drizzle, heading back home which was just a few walks more.

Few days later, Mom told me he was dead.

And innocently I blogged about it back then.

I am sure many of us will have a light sigh when we saw death, funeral or many white clothes hanging before people's house and especially someone you knew a little bit or more died young or died old. Sometimes we avoided or pretended not to see it when our cars just had to pass by.Of course, who knows how it feel when it comes to someone even closer, your beloved......you have really came across it.

And when death news spread out, we took it as a reminder of 'life is short' and 'we have to fight more for no reason' just to 'live as if there's no tomorrow' so that this life feels like being filled. Sometimes, we even reflected our own lives so that no more regret stains on our chapters.

People are all afraid of death because they always want for more and you have to need more time for that! Even William Shakespeare was afraid of death as death could take everything away from him until his life was left signifying nothing and this made him felt like an idiot.

What if I tell you now there is a portion of people in the world who do not afraid of death? Because they see past the death and they see death as only just the beginning of a new life. Yet at the same time, they didn't feel like strutting and fretting hours here because they are fighting for a whole new reason, Jesus.

How did Christian see past the death?

Revelation
Chapter 21

1

¹ Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth. The former heaven and the former earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. ²

2

I also saw the holy city, a new Jerusalem, ³ coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

3

I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, God's dwelling is with the human race. He will dwell with them and they will be his people ⁴ and God himself will always be with them (as their God).

4

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, (for) the old order has passed away."

5

The one who sat on the throne ⁵ said, "Behold, I make all things new." Then he said, "Write these words down, for they are trustworthy and true."

6

He said to me, "They are accomplished. ⁶ I (am) the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give a gift from the spring of life-giving water.

7

The victor ⁷ will inherit these gifts, and I shall be his God, and he will be my son.

8

But as for cowards, ⁸ the unfaithful, the depraved, murderers, the unchaste, sorcerers, idol-worshipers, and deceivers of every sort, their lot is in the burning pool of fire and sulfur, which is the second death."

Christians see past death because they see a new life, a second life without tears, death and pain. We are sinners, no doubt but we have an advocate, Jesus Christ who had died for our sins on the cross, in so, we are saved when He offered Himself for us and His resurrection after three days took over all the authority on earth which Adam had just given over to the enemy when he wanted more like us! see here.

And this doesn't mean we have to sit down and wait for the second life to come without doing anything. God has His plan and time for us once we believe in Him, we are to be called His children and He is excited and full of love to make a perfect plan for us. This is why 'The victor ⁷ will inherit these gifts,'...and this is also why we see past the death, hope for the second life and we see past the materials on earth and hope for the gifts of heaven.

And human will always have a choice just like Adam. You can choose yes or no to Jesus. But you just have to understand that once you said 'no', it applied at that single moment that you had just said 'yes' to His enemy, the devil, your body own desire and lust and also the world which would pass away. You might as well enjoy all the fun but you can never escape the truth, the second death.

Sometimes I would think people are so afraid of death not just about things they couldn't take away with them but also unawarely they realized there is a second death waiting for them because they see no second life.

If you see a second life after this and are sure you have it, you would be excited for death instead of fearing it.

I was always be shocked a little bit when I heard people I barely knew were dead. But if you asked how do I feel for myself and people I love, it would certainly different.

I see past death. But I was anxious for my beloveds. I am sure for a second life for myself, but what would I feel when some of the people I love still not understand this love from God and keep falling to other security and comfort. When asked about death, they came to the word 'dusty' just like William Shakespeare.

But death is not an end, it is just the beginning. Do not avoid, pretend and pantang, rather welcoming the new second life.

p.s Please pray for my grandfather, Khor Ah Ba who barely able to breathe at night and always gasping for air after his surgery, for he can accept the gospel of Christ as soon as possible.

The Truth is who you are

At the worst possible time, we were stuck. We can't found where the problem comes from and because of this, we can never solve it. Because this is what we are always learning in life, when things surfaced, when moves were stopped, when the most perfect plan was blocked, when failures embraced, when we thought everyone would be looking down on us even tough they didn't, when the circumstances tore us down and we felt so fragile, we find where the problem is, we apply the formula and it's solved.

But now here it comes, you can't find where the problem comes from, and so when it threatens and even harms you, you are so vulnerable to surrender to the destruction.

Just like a new virus came for a new challenge, we can't identify, we can't find a medicine, a solution and so we give up to the invasion and slowly the virus stay and control and live in us.

We were stuck with two things. One is between finding the source and solving. One is becoming more and more aware of 'There's nothing you can do about it'.

So, we sat there and waited for a new hope which never came forever. We were angry with the new hope that never cared for us.

Loneliness seeped in. No one is your friend, no one can be your helper, no one understands you and even the new hope gives you a 'no'.

So, we tried to save ourselves. We stared at the problem and thought we could do something. But somehow the fear always with hold our courage, our breathe, our confidence, 'We could do something, but in fact actually there's nothing we can do'.

And then we were stuck again. And each time we were stuck again, we were weaker for the next time. And so it was on and on and on.

It was endless until the life you once rejoiced about, cherished, fought for had wondered, 'How did I get here?'

Who am I? We tried to believe who we once were, trying to do better, but we couldn't shake the feeling of fear about 'We haven't find the source'.

We yelled, we ran, we jumped, we couldn't sleep, we stared blankly and we hold on to a life which doesn't sound like a life anymore.

And then people around us just never stop getting any better. They laughed, smiled, ran for life, shout for success, jump over triumph, sleep on achievements......and then the question came again, 'Who am I?'

We are not jealous. But we are upset on our own, on the difference between people and lives, on the margin, the failures that never end......

Then, at this worst possible time, worst possible, someone came and told you how great is the value of you. He said, 'You are as worthy as the life I had given on cross. You are as worthy as the flesh and blood I offered. You are worthy to be back to the start again. You are worthy for me to walk beside you this time. You are worthy for my grace to let you see. You are worthy to call out my name because you are worthy to be called my child. And most importantly, I had bought you with price.'

This song and more from Tenth Avenue North's album [The Light Meets The Dark] will inspire you something new about who you are in Christ.

p.s I wasn't writing a review for this album.

Instead what you had just read was about my story for more than a year until a few minutes ago.

Thank you for reading.

Father Heart of God

It had been two days I was working. I thought I was going kept this as a secret of what job it is and it is one you wouldn't never have a guess right.

After a big nap this afternoon, I decided to take a ride around the neighborhood. I was speeding and wavering during this rush hour where people started to come back from work. A gentle breeze came to greet and join the ride.

I was supposed to be happy, I guessed? I mean it was a riding to release tension.

But as I grew further and I knew a little bit more about Father everyday on, I realized that it doesn't help.

Instead during the ride, without even having any thoughts bothering my mind, there came an ache to my heart and it was aching.

It was controlling me and held my breath back.

I felt so empty inside during that moment just like what I had experienced on and off during this holidays.

The emptiness that rooted inside which I had to seek the reason for it.

This is how I feel during the year I studied medicine.

It was all about flying colours in my life before when it was all about study what they laid down for you.

My direction was to get A for the exam and I worked hard for it, that's all.

But ever since I got this medical course, during the year I studied, my mind started to be in woe and questioned, 'Is it that's all?'

I was trying to protect myself by saying that this is not the real desire from my heart.

But what my heart really questioned isn't whether I'm doing the right course,

It's about life.

I'm questioning life. This is how I found the emptiness inside me.

Life? After 5 years, doctor, got married, settled down, had couples of children, worried about children, took care of parents, worried about myself getting old, death......

That's all?? I couldn't imagine it but to imagine and then reason that there's no more direction for me to fight on.

Seriously, I was supposed to be fighting for all these things I stated which were so predictable?

I am already a Christian during the time. But I wasn't satisfied, not at all.

People taught me to took this course as a blessing and continued on but I can't!

What is the purpose?

I was searching for the purpose and I needed to know the purpose.

I demanded!

I needed to know why God wanted me so much to do this.

Cuz blessing doesn't satisfy my question, it doesn't answer me neither when you say, 'He has His plan and time.'

I need to know!

People tried to redefine life like me. When I was regret, I found many people are like me, indeed almost everyone of them.

We were questioning and seeking.

When I saw my friends working hard for the coming up exam, their passion in learning during the lecture, I felt so angry and rebellious.

I told myself that I couldn't be like them, I couldn't let my life to be in this cycle that I had been repeated for the past many years(passing exam, getting A, compete, become the best and again and again).

What is the definition of life then?

Study hard and then play hard.

Work hard and then play hard.

I can't see the direction and purpose. And I dare not to chase after my own dream neither as no matter what I did, no matter how well I had done, it were all ended in the same way, death!

This is so horrible!

During the time, I knew I'm going to heaven because of Jesus.

But I wasn't satisfied if I was going to spend so many times on earth which was not necessary at all.

And surprisingly, I had questioned it for the whole year.

I was challenging myself that what if I stopped doing what I regularly do...what if I let go of all the discipline I used to have?

And times and times of failures just struck me down too hard that my confidence disappear.

And,

this is it.

Then I started to seek comfort, from movies, internet and others which I strongly believed they were my true way.

It wasn't fear that drifted me away from what I should do.

It was doubt, false comfort and lack of Truth.

Friends always consoled me in a kind way that they thought it was fear from the previous F.

But it was just lack of motivation to continue what had been destined.

And I was dissatisfied of the destiny. I didn't want it to be so simple and boring and planned yet challenging it was not satisfying neither. I thought I was in a dead end. I couldn't come out from my failure yet I couldn't continue who I was.

Imagine nights and nights of phone calls to cry to my Mom. Nights and nights of stay up to think of the meaning of life. I even lose interest to make friends and talk to friends. Because seeing them chasing after and chasing after, I was so tired. They knew that they were chasing, but they just couldn't explain it and had defined this chasing right in the place in what a life should be.

This is why I always feel bullshit about philosophies. They can't explain things at all, they only confuse and motivate you for something that was not explained. I don't know.

But the One is amazing.

He brought hope.

He knew what my question is.

He respected my free will for my fall and He brought me back again and He told me what is life.

I used to wonder why it was so complicated for God to sacrifice His one and only Son for sinners instead of just wiping off sins from the world and destroyed all the evil.

And a sharing by a Pastor in a course I attended recently had told me that Jesus Christ was sacrificed because Father God long for relationship. He wants to reconcile us back to Himself. If we open our heart, He wants to just straight away give us the embrace without saying anything.

He wasn't a God we imagine as an angry Judge to condemn our sins. That is a lie!

He is a Father who is waiting for the child.

I am created for a purpose. I am created for that relationship. No one could fill that empty space inside me except Him.

My life turn to meaning instantly!

I wasn't just live to wait for the trip to heaven. There is a purpose!

Many people are searching for it just like me. And they put it in the wrong place.

They put it in how much money they could earn, how many luxuries they could enjoy, how many success they could build......

And for those who are tired of earning, they put the searching into addictions......, drugs, alcohol, pornography, masturbation, homosexuality......and to define these searching, they began to claim, 'I'm born this way!' I actually saw a gay blog titled, 'Born this way.'

They felt hurt when people humiliated their purpose. And as the rejections grew, so as the rebellion inside them.

How do you think Father would feel? He is hurt. He is carrying pain from everyone. Each person's pain felt by Him. He says, 'I only want to embrace you. My embrace does not have to be earned.'

We are born in a legitimate way to search for comfort which is Father. But we are hurt when we search for the false comfort because of the lies. This is a comfort in illegitimate way which Adam had done when he urged to have wisdom from the forbidden fruit and passed down to his descendants. By Jesus blood, He cleansed our sins and reconciled us back to the true comfort which is Father. This is why Jesus claimed Himself and also the Holy Spirit as comforter. And through this True comfort, we bear good fruits and perform gifts of God.

And the Greek word in the Bible, 'SOZO' carries other meanings,

Salvation
“That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead you shall be saved (sozo).” Romans 10:9

Healing
“But Jesus turning and seeing her said ‘Daughter take courage your faith has made you well (sozo) and at once the woman was made well (sozo).” Matthew 9:22

Deliverance
“And those who had seen it reported to them how the man who was demon-possessed had been made well (sozo).” Luke 8:36

And so Father is telling me the purpose of my life,

He is not only saving me, He wants to heal me from all my brokenness throughout my life and He wants to deliver me from pain and rejection I had been received.

So that I experience the pain, I acknowledge the pain and I didn't just forget about the pain, I proceed in His plan to help others.

My life turned to meaning and purpose, to the crown of life and things unseen.

Father wants to embrace others through me,

He has a plan, (And this time I truthfully felt the meaning of PLAN)

He wants to sanctify me and it's a process......and it is going to be what I will fight on in my life......,

But during the process, He wants me to let go and surrender......

And so my life is no more just waiting for salvation but it comes with sanctification to be complete.

This is why I truly understand the meaning of 'If I lose my life, then I will find my soul.'

And also why the bridge of 'Hosanna' started to make sense,

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's causeAs I walk from earth into eternity

'Yes, you are failed. So what! Get up and do My work!'

Feeling

Early in the morning, your phone rang and it was your girlfriend.

She sounded weird today.

She asked you to meet in the Coffee Shop you two first met. Her voice was heavy.

You came and sat down in front of her.

She turned away to avoid from looking at you and took a sip of the coffee.

'What is it, dear?' you were curious and deep down inside you, you felt something was wrong!

'Ermm,...'She looked nervous but she took a deep breath and said,

'I'm so sorry. But I just think we shouldn't be together.'

'So this is it?' you asked and hoped for a 'no'.

'Let's break up.'

Your world sank.

Your girlfriend got up and prepared to leave.

You grabbed her arm and said, 'Please~'

She swung her arm away and said, 'I just don't have the feeling anymore.'

Then, through the glass window, you saw a striking sport car awaiting.

Your girlfriend hooped on the car and was gone from your sight.

Your sat down in despair and scratched your head.

A few days later, your girlfriend appeared at the door.

You opened the door.

She threw herself into you and cried.

'He cheated on me. I'm wrong. I shouldn't leave you.'

[If you are the guy, what would you do?]

[Slap her and say, 'Back off, slut?!!']

If Jesus is the guy,...

He hugs the girl and says, 'I will always be there for you.'

Yes, God will always be there for us. Even tough we have done mistakes, He is not there to be angry at us, but He always wants us to come back to Him, just like the Parable of the Lost Son in the Bible.

But this doesn't make an excuse for us to continue our sins.

Arr, arr, we must try our best to be strong in Christ so that we could fulfill His plan which lead us to a life full of blessing.

Did you lose the feeling about God's presence today? That would be a fake feeling as God is always there for you and He wants you to surrender.

1 Peter 1:3-8

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,

⁴ and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you,

⁵ who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.

⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.

⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,

Simply

Music is a good thing. People say it heals the soul. I can't help to agree with that and wonder how amazingly God had created all our senses to be able to feel how the nature sounds and how other people feel.

And the Bible says He created us in His image. Imagine how amazing is that! You don't have to worry to see the Creator when the day comes. cuz' He is just like us!

If you want to be filled with this wonder again, look at the mirror now and think, 'Wow, our Heavenly Father will look just like this too, a pair of eyes, a nose, a mouth, a pair of ears.'

He smiles, cries, loves, gets angry sometimes, forgives just like us! But one main difference between God and man is His greater love. He loves until He dies for the people who loves Him, hates Him or to say EVERYONE!

I mean, who could do that?

Even if I am starting this blog, it is so meaningless compared to Jesus death on the cross.

Imagine, even a prisoner struggles at his death sentence, get mad just the time before he is to be hung. There are stories like that, I bet you know.

But a death sentence on cross deserves the word 'excruciate'!

Did Jesus struggle for it?

Yes. He prayed to Father the whole night before Judas sold Him to the Pharisees. He struggled too especially when He had to die for other people's sins, bad things done by other people and He had to die for people who curse Him, hate Him and humiliate Him.

If there's anyone who read this, I know everyday Satan fed lies in us, they are trying to tell us,

there must be some other way the world is created, sex can actually replace love, you should hate your mother who once hurt you, YOU ARE BORN THIS WAY(homosexual, alcoholic, punk,......)so you should be proud of it......

But hey, Jesus loves you! Don't you think the love that is as great as the death on cross could cover everything, the grief, pain and sadness inside you?

Why don't you try to talk to Jesus, when He is the best friend in the world?

Ask Him, 'Hey, you love me, right?' if you are questioning...then you will feel the answer, the hug, the love...Trust me, you can feel it! He is there for everyone.

Now, back to music. I said I like it because music inspires me to write and most of them were soundtracks.

One of my favorite is Forrest Gump's theme.

If you haven't watch the movie, I suggest you to give a try.

One of the reason I was attracted to this movie is that

he had always said,

"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

But with Jesus Christ, life was like a box of chocolates, you can invite Him to taste each one together with you.