Lost and Be found.

There was a story that hit my mind when I thought it had been wiped away for a long time.

During my primary school years, I remembered it clearly in Standard Four, I moved back to my family and waved goodbye to grandparents.

It was the beginning of the real taste of poverty.

I didn't get to always ask for things like I was used to. I mean, not for things that over budget. There was no 'plenty' in my world anymore. And often, I had to share my snack with another 3 persons. Sharing became part of my life ever since. But it was fun, we always held each other hand and skied at home by wearing two plastic bags on our feet.

But, poverty followed me to school at the same time.

Grandfather didn't support us. He disliked my father.

This was how it happened.

Government/school was giving away free meal for poor students. Our conditions were hard and mother wanted very much for me to get it.

It was the first time I went to my teacher and said I needed one of those cool and bitter noodles.

But people didn't believed that I was poor. I was used to come to school in brand new uniform, white and shinning shoes, new schoolbag and a grandmother that would appear during lunch break with a food package full of delicious food.

And now, I'm going to what? Eating free meals that I don't deserve at all?

There was another girl who applied at the same time and she was one of my playmates.

I remembered teacher asked both of us to stand up.

She rolled her eyes and asked, 'Why do you think that you are eligible?'

The whole class looked at us and waited for our answers.

The girl stayed in an old house. But her father was selling beers and they parked their Proton Waja just across the street. That is all I know.

But people took away my father's Proton Saga as he was not able to pay the installment and he had an old motorcycle which made us to call off our outing trip. I didn't know what he was doing, I only knew his previous job was installing water filterer for people, a water-filterer salesman, I supposed.

I was silent. But I forced myself to tell, 'My father is a salesman. And my house is a rental house.' And I was telling the truth. I didn't add on, my TV is too small for me to watch, my bed is too shallow to give me a good sleep and you could actually ease your back itchiness by scratching it on the wall of my house, it was coarse like the wall of cliff.

And shockingly, the girl gave the same answer, her father was a salesman and her house was a rental house.

Teacher looked at two of us.

And a classmate raised his hand, then pointed to me, 'Teacher, she is telling lies. She is rich. Her grandfather owned a Pajero. She doesn't deserve the free meal at all.' Every other classmates were nodding their heads. No one believes that I am poor. No one really sees when my father was frustrated for not being able to buy meals home.

All they saw was a dishonest girl.

Teacher looked at me with doubt.

I shouted in my heart that it was an accusation, a wrong one. If I was allowed to, if I was rich, I didn't want at all to bow my head and plead for the free meals. But now because I am poor, I have but to do that.

During that time, I considered it as the greatest humiliation I ever had. A date of infamy.

I kept quiet and I grabbed my fist, all I did were tears rolling down my cheeks, without my control.

Well, that girl cried at the same time seeing me doing that.

I wondered, how wicked human would be ever since it was just a little soul.

I didn't want free meal at all if I had choice. But people who are rich, they just don't always feel enough.

And the boy who accused me, looked at me with anger, as if he was doing the right things, he was a hero.

People see me quiet, silent all the times. You just have to understand things I have to bear or a poor people have to bear ever since they were just children.

This is why I hated poverty very much. When you're poor, you have to beg people, you have to nod for whatever people say and you have to see chances taken away.

But that doesn't make me another person. I have my right objectives for what I am doing. If money and fame were to be the factor that build up my determination, I rather give it away.

There is an uncle who financially support me and he wants me to promise him that one day when I succeed, I will help other poor people.

He never knew how much I wanted to help the poor because I can feel how they feel. While helping them, I will make sure they receive the help with respect, I will make sure I don't mistaken a child to be lying and dishonest.

Everyone is unique in their own ways.

I remembered as a child, I came from family of poor. And I always is.

I was difficult to accept the fact after being raised by my grandparents for more than 10 years, that my mother is adopted. And I was difficult to believe that the one who is wealthy is my grandfather, not my father.

And this cat only came out of the bag when I attended the funeral of my real flesh and blood grandmother, with my mother one day when I was Form 2. And I only discovered that I have cousins and they are many.

Grandfather was the closet to me, once. And father, according to grandfather's description, was a gambler, a loser. In my mind, my parents were two monsters I hated very much every time they paid me a visit.

Mother loved her other children. Father was fierce. So, I guessed only my grandparents cared for me.

Until I stayed with them, I knew I was wrong.

Father is the breadwinner of a family of six. Even tough there were so many things happened to my family, despite several quarrels, he never left us like any family drama would be. And whenever he earned more, he would take us for an outing. He is always willing to spend on us. We had been to Birdpark, Taiping Zoo, Botanical Garden, beach and I remembered we were seeking for mall by looking for the balloon they hang in the air, highly in the sky.

I was happy to eat at the food stall, as long as we were one family. I found that we were happier. I got every kind of toy I wanted. A xylophone, a kid lion costume for lion dance, a kid keyboard and of course McD free toys joined the team. Then, father brought in two hamsters for the family, several kois and some green peas.

We were excited when the green peas grew, it felt like an achievement.

Then, we had video games, the one with yellow tape. And slowly, we skipped to PS2.

Father liked Mario Bros and mother was expert in BomberMan. And I loved bumping car on the screen. Sometimes, father paired up with my younger sister in playing Tank.

Our family bond were so strong in the Sega time.

Our wealth were the happiness.

I looked at my neighbour's son and he is dull. His family is rich but they hardly go out together. His father is busy at his factory and he is busy for swimming class, piano lesson and math class. His mother, however, is busy driving him everywhere for class.

And I felt lucky enough that I didn't know any music, any instrument and I couldn't swim.

But I was good at understanding film. In fact, I was lucky to know Mandarin, Cantonese, English and Malay. I watched almost every kind of film including Bollywood and sometimes Mexico. Practically, I knew the difference of the mindsets of people around the world. TV is all I got and all I liked.

I am really sorry for blaming my parents that they don't raise me as someone talented, like a pianist, a violist, a novelist, a ballerina or a squash player. I am really sorry that I was upset that I am just normal like any other child.

But, normal is good eventually I find.

I enjoyed speaking broken English, singing badly and dancing clumsily.

Because I am special of them.

Out of Love

What should I write?

I had been going through hard times. I'm not sure some of you would have that thought popping up to you and say,'This is really not for you.' when you are studying.

Then I had a fight over phone with Mom. And a regret planted.

I told Mom my ambition. But she reminded me few months ago, I told her, 'I really wish to be a doctor'. What if when I felt tough when she gave me a second chance, I would tell her I want to be other thing again? Therefore, I don't have the gut to fight.

I felt appreciated when friends around me were asking, 'Are you okay?'

But the thing was, it wasn't that I'm stressed of study, but the time that limits me and also I lost the combat to fight for my dream.

Doctor is a stable job.

But isn't God say that, 'Do not worry about your life, what you will drink or about your body, what you will wear.' But Mom still kept saying, face the reality.

Then, I understand.

I remembered in previous lecture, a lecturer questioned, 'What is the purpose of life?'

I repeated the question to my friend again and expected her to give some feedback like, 'To study.' That would be very appropriate for this stressful season.

But she answered me sarcastically, 'To be Christian.'

Erm, an answer by a non-Christian who always thinks I'm a very religious person.

I would like to protest, everyone equally-sinned and when they all come in Christ's love, they do what God want as they love God.

There's no 'religious' in Christianity.

God prefer a flexible relationship. We pray, we commit everything to Him, we cast all our anxiety to Him and we don't do things our Father dislike, out of love. Out of the reason that we know this is not 'religious', but this is choosing Him.

A guy said on his blog, 'Ask Jesus to come, prove to me, then I'll be His follower.'

People love to see miracles.

I had a few testimonies in my life too. But God is not a brand, it doesn't mean that you don't buy Him anymore, when things you want do not come. If you seek for why, pray and ask Him.

Out of anger, I became determined.

But I realized, I had done so many things that let God down. Isn't I'm the one who pray to be doctor in future?

God say, 'Seek first my Kingdom and righteousness.'

Yes. Cuz they are more important than anything would be in your life.

Like what James 4:14 says, 'Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.'

I'm not sure I'm good at using examples.

It's just like a board game. The one who invents the board game set up the rules. But none of the players follow it, they think breaking the rule is cool and awesome, instead they listen to the next person who come and intervene the game, so the game is ruined. Only those who follow it, reach the goal.

I'm studying now by faith on Him and prayers.

Not by the concept that, 'Owh, life is so hard. It's my duty to work hard for that. This is life!'

I cherish very much that God love me and pick me. At least, I'm less worried than anyone. But His grace is abound.

And there's something more I wish to share,

1st Corinthians chapter 13,

¹If I speak in the tongues^a]">[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^b]">[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1. 我若能说万人的方言，并天使的话语，却没有爱，我就成了鸣的锣，响的钹一般。

2. 我若有先知讲道之能，也明白各样的奥秘，各样的知识，而且有全备的信，叫我能够移山，却没有爱，我就算不得什么。

3. 我若将所有的赒济穷人，又舍己身叫人焚烧，却没有爱，仍然于我无益。

4. 爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈；爱是不嫉妒；爱是不自夸，不张狂，

5. 不做害羞的事，不求自己的益处，不轻易发怒，不计算人的恶，

6. 不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理；

7. 凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐。

8. 爱是永不止息。先知讲道之能终必归于无有；说方言之能终必停止；知识也终必归于无有。

9. 我们现在所知道的有限，先知所讲的也有限，

10. 等那完全的来到，这有限的必归于无有了。

11. 我作孩子的时候，话语像孩子，心思像孩子，意念像孩子，既成了人，就把孩子的事丢弃了。

12. 我们如今彷佛对着镜子观看，模糊不清（原文作：如同猜谜）；到那时就要面对面了。我如今所知道的有限，到那时就全知道，如同主知道我一样。

13. 如今常存的有信，有望，有爱这三样，其中最大的是爱。