Experience the freedom in Christ

Title: Verisimilitude

[Yohoo!!! Finished my short story at last. This is what we called last minute work. I had written the first two page in Dream Centre last week and woke up at 4am today to make it to 10 pages!!! When it was done, I could feel the pure joy of finishing it!!! Joining Creative Writing class is really stressful but I never regretted about it when I tasted the joy of producing my own piece. Just wanna share it here. Please just ignore the grammatical error. Do bear the unrealistic facts within. =p]

I was alone in my room, painting again.

I locked the door from Ellie. Ellie was aware of my intended avoid for these last three months. Maybe it was the easiest way to show her that I was almost a grown up and I didn’t need any prayer and goodnight kiss on forehead. Surprisingly, she wasn’t protesting. Rather, she would knock at the door softly and said, ‘Honey, are you okay?’

For the sake of peace, I would give an immediate respond to tell her that I am fine in a convincing tone. Other wise, she was going to screw off the whole door just to make sure that she could see me looking back at her, jaws dropped while doing my paint mixing. And then she would stare at me guiltlessly and said, ‘I thought something was happening to you.’ What a nice curse! And it happened though. Once, so far.

If I was okay in my words, she would reply the same sentence every night, ‘Remember not to stay up too late.’

Sometimes I wondered why she didn’t think of recording her voice and playing it on time. It saved time and energy and served as a backup whenever she needed to attend for wedding dinner or celebration of freedom after divorce by her BFFs.

I guessed it was the accident six years ago that turned on her extra and excessive attention on me. But I was not comfortable with it. Somehow I felt it was her conspiracy to mould me into a spoil brat.

I was no wrong shutting away from her. I assumed myself as a family guy in the future. But I couldn’t let an obsessional mother to check out on me every night since I was about to be 16 in a few more months to go.

Please let me go, Ellie, your boy is growing up to man!

Otherwise, if this was to be spread at school, Hunter and his minions would be laughing till death or less dramatically, spamming my Facebook wall for this whole summer. Other school kids would look at me like I am a weirdo. Worst, what would she think of me? I dare not to imagine about that. ‘Shoo, shoo…….,’ I talked to my mind, chasing away the subtle conception.

As soon as Ellie’s stiletto heels dissipated away, I turned away from looking at the door knob which might possibly be opened. I took up the paint brush and put some golden yellow to illustrate the paddy field I had seen after I was back from a trip.

I tried to paint the blue sky but I just couldn’t help myself to stare at my Blackberry on the desk. It was silent dead like the previous years with other phone models. No matter how good the function is for the tool, I never get to grab it on hands like any other teens. And I found it difficult to pretend to be busy like others, when I was to reply to no message!

Ellie would text me everyday at school and that was the moment where I grabbed the chance to run my fingers on the keypad proudly during class until I was caught on with a detention where Mr. Watson read out Ellie’s message loudly, ‘How’s your diarrhoea?’The biggest joke ever happened to me had caused Hunter into trouble where he hit his head and hurt so badly in attempt to stop laughing.

If you were to question about the grief-stricken lone ranger life I had, let me explained about it a little bit more physically. I was a fat guy with a bloated tummy. There was hardly any shape on me. My face was round with an old man glasses stuck on my nose and stubble that was not sexy at all. It grew very fast that my electric clippers had to surrender. I had some hair loss and my hair was oily. I doubted that it was congenital but Ellie just didn’t want to talk about my father. My father was dead in the army long time ago. But it was not very proud to say that he had died of falling down from a helicopter instead of fighting the enemy in the first line. Ellie even told me the military was so realistic that they didn’t even attend my father’s funeral and there was no flag on top of the coffin like I had seen in the TV.

I was not very sad about father’s death. Deep down inside, I desired to see him yet felt ashamed of myself. Looking at his picture, I knew that he must have been a very good soldier if he was not to die. He was very fit and good looking and stronger than any muscular kids in my school. Maybe this explained why Ellie was not seeing any new person. But Ellie argued that she wanted to stay and take care of me. Sometimes I wished father was there to teach me how to train my body or play basketball with me. I loved basketball but I was afraid to walk in any basketball court as it would be miracle of the whole world where it would become another teaser for Hunter.

Today was Friday! The day I hated the most but Ellie often bribed me to go to school with a piece of Chocolate Indulgence. It is a day where we have fitness class. I wondered why there was such a class in the system. When they are holding fitness class, they should really consider people who are not fit!

Reluctantly I got on Ellie’s car. Somehow, I think one piece of Chocolate Indulgence is not enough!

During the class, Mr. Hoffman excitedly announced that we are playing hockey today. Great! I would be the one who stand at the edge of field again and make no difference than a spectator apart from having a hockey stick on my hand. Sometimes, I would get hit by the hockey when it purposely or not rolled towards me and you could imagine the excruciating pain when all the hockey sticks hit together on your leg just to grab the damn puck!

Mr. Hoffman knew I was not playing after all. But he loved to hand me the stick every time and said with his watery eyes, ‘Why don’t you just give a shot?’ I was actually not touched by it at all. But I was telling myself too, ‘Why don’t I just give a shot?’ However, looking at my figure, I wouldn’t dare to picture a guy running with fat and sweat around the hockey field. It would make a girl to vomit the salad she ate this morning. I would vomit my Chocolate Indulgence as well.

But today Mr. Hoffman was so weird that he grabbed my shoulder and said, ‘Boy, small attitude can make big difference!’ Somehow I was annoyed by him being not giving up on me. Why didn’t he value the situation here? He couldn’t just think miracle happened every time he took a gulp of his root beer.

To ease his feeling, I volunteered to be the goal keeper. This is the greatest sacrifice I could offer. As far as I know, goal keeper is always the most dangerous position in a game yet the most leisure one. I only need to move around the rectangle box they had drawn.

Now everyone was ready. Mr. Hoffman took a look at me and then blew his whistle, commanding the game to start.

The kids were competing for the puck as if tigers fighting each other for a poor piece of rat meat. The opposite team was weaker and couldn’t make it any near to me. Most of the time, they were struggling at the opposite goal.

Today is a windy day. The sunlight is warm. It was just tranquilising when the breeze was blocked by me on their way. Well, Friday isn’t really a bad day.

While I was distracted by the beauty of nature, a guy yelled at me, ‘Stand by, goal keeper!’ I didn’t how they had made it here. Now they were nearer to the goal. The team leader was trying his best to stop them from coming any nearer to me. He was the best athlete in school this year. He was not proud at all like Hunter. But he gave a subtle smile when Mr. Hoffman assigned me to his team. He was a quiet guy in the class but became aggressive when he came down to field.

Players surrounded the goal now. It was as if I had booked the whole team to protect me from a puck.

I was as nervous as them. Because I hated the way people looked at me as if I let them down. Most of the time was, I couldn’t do what as expected by people. So, no matter how, I couldn’t let the puck to slip into my goal. But it was difficult though and disappointing every time.

Now, I was fully focused on the puck which fleeted around like the Golden Snitch in Quidditch of Harry Potter. My eyes followed the puck until it was hit right away towards me or to say towards the goal!

I remembered I stretched out my stick to block the puck but at the same time I felt a pain on my stomach. And there was an abrupt darkness that consumed everything before me.

I passed out while dozens of questions piled up in my mind.

Could it be the puck? Then what was the thing I blocked right away? Maybe I was imagining that I managed to block the puck but I didn’t? What if I was hit by the opposite team with his hockey stick? Mr. Hoffman would sure imprison the fellow in the storeroom. What if Harry Potter really exists and the Golden Snitch accidentally came to this real world and hit me?

I woke up in the hospital. A nurse saw me and yelled at the doctor. She gave me an anxious look which made me feeling uneasy. I had always seen that look in ER. Could it be they had made a big hole in my stomach now? Yet I was not daring to unveil the truth below the blanket.

The doctor who came over was a good-looking Asian. He smiled to me with his shiny white teeth. And the spectacles he wore gave him a sense of professionalism and confidence.

“Good morning, Mr. Harrow. This is Doctor Tee. I’m glad that you are awake. I had read your file. You had cardiac problem so you should be careful while playing sport,” Doctor Tee talked gently while trying to hear something from my chest with his stethoscope.

I always knew that I had heart problem and high blood pressure. This happened to very few young people, preferably on the fat people.

“Doctor Tee, I thought I was admitted because there was something that hit my stomach. Is it a puck?” I asked when out of sudden, this question that had been long waiting came to my mind.

Before Dr. Tee could answer me, Ellie ran into the ward with her stiletto heels and asked in a hurry, “Baby, are you okay?”

Before I could answer her, she dragged Dr. Tee away from me to a corner and her gestures showed that she was complaining. I was left with the nurse which no more showing the ER scene facial expression. But she was shocked enough with her jaws dropped looking at Ellie. I was embarrassed.

Now that I was conscious enough to look around, I saw the patients walking around differently and somehow uncontrollably. They looked like they are……

Now I realised that I was admitted to a psychiatric ward! What else bad enough that could happen to me? I wish that this would not be found out by one of the kid and spread like wild fire in Facebook. Now without trying to eavesdrop, I knew what Ellie was going to tell Dr. Tee. They had sent me to the wrong ward!

Could it be that I was murmuring something about the Golden Snitch in Harry Potter while I was unconscious? This might have made them to get things wrongly.

While Ellie was busy quarrelling with Doctor Tee, a girl came in and walked towards me.

“I’m really sorry that I hit you, Sir,’ the girl bowed her head before me.

I looked at her shockingly. She was a young girl, about my age, long beautiful blonde and a pair of talking blue eyes. I had never seen such pretty girl before in my life and neither there was any female who wanted to say anything to me except Ellie and some old women relatives.

She had called me ‘Sir’. She must have thought that I was old enough with the stubble. This was the only unhappy part of it.

“Who are you? Why are you saying sorry for?” I asked with puzzles in my mind.

“I heard about your story, no, I mean, it was me who hit the ball on your tummy, ACCIDENTALLY,” the girl looked doubtful upon explaining.

“So it was a?”

“Baseball! I was new in your school. I just came today and I never knew that I would cause such trouble,” the girl looked very guilty now.

“Miss?”

“Nathalie,” she said and shook my hand.

“Miss Nathalie, do you know I am just about the same age as you? This stubble on my face was just an unusual growth. I know they are ugly but I am not old enough for you to call me ‘Sir’.”

“Oh I see. Yes, I shouldn’t. No, I mean, the stubble is not ugly. They are sexy. They looked great on you,” she said and smiled to me.

Seriously, this was the biggest joke I had ever heard. She must be one of the psychiatric patients who walked randomly to every bed to make jokes. I felt angry yet pitiful for such a beautiful girl to be crazy.

“What is your name?” she asked to break the silence.

“My name is Harry Harrow. You can call me Harry,” I replied with a smile.

Nathalie burst out laughing.

I knew why and I was used to it. People always made fun of my name. Hunter actually called me Hairy Harrow.

“Yea, it’s funny. Your apology is accepted. You can leave now,” I responded reluctantly. But my heart wished that she could stay.

“No, I am sorry. Your name is special. Harry Harrow. Sounds like a nursery rhyme.”

“You mean Humpty Dumpty?”

“Exactly!”

I was speechless though.

She was really different from other girls in school. I thought girls were all brandy, trendy, eyed for handsome guy and anorexic. They hardly made jokes and they loved rolling their eyes whenever I had blocked their way.

Ellie came back to me and said, “I am sorry, baby. They shouldn’t treat you like that.”

“Hi, Mrs. Harrow. I am Harry’s schoolmate,” Nathalie greeted Ellie.

But Ellie left quickly for hospital procedure.

“She’s your wife?” Nathalie asked.

“Not funny at all! She’s my mother.”

“Wow, cool!”

I wondered what is so cool about having Ellie as my mother. Is it because of her stiletto heels that are making noise for every step she has taken?

Nathalie and I had spent the whole day together talking about a lot of things. I told her everything about my father, his life as in the army and his journey in South Korea, Vietnam and Iraq. I was basically telling her my father’s whole life since I thought people would never have interest on mine. She was so excited about all those stories in war. There was a guy that named Hunter that saved my father’s life once. However, the Hunter I known in my life was always a rowdy. Nathalie told me about her life too. She travelled around the country with her father after her mother passed away. Therefore, she transferred school all the time. Nevertheless, she seized the chance to know different place, culture and people.

Ellie came back from work and she brought some supper. “I shouldn’t let you to have the Chocolate Indulgence,” she was blaming herself.

I ignored her mountains of complaints and searched for food in the paper bag she brought.

Salad and plain water?! That was so disappointing. Nathalie was laughing.

I was actually hit by the baseball. But I fainted because of my heart problem, at 16. That shouldn’t really happen.

Ellie went to find Dr. Tee again.

I felt sleepy after talking for the whole day and I saw Nathalie smiling at me.

“What is so funny?” I asked.

“Is your mother gone?” she asked softly.

“Yes, she went to see Dr. Tee. I think you should get back home. Your father would be worried about you.”

“He never worried about me. He was too caught up with his work.”

Nathalie approached me and whispered to my ear, “Do not tell anyone about this. I am actually a vampire.”

“What is this? Twilight?!” I shouted for being amused.

I thought she was either a real vampire or a real patient from this ward.

“Boom!!!”

Nathalie had scared the shit out of me!

“I was only trying to scare you,” she was laughing. I thought the prank had made her day.

“By the way……,” she said in a flirting manner.

I held myself from laughing for seeing the flirting awkwardly shown on her innocent angelic face.

“I like you!” Nathalie kissed me on my cheeks!

Then she ran away. Seeing her running and disappeared away from the ward, I was frozen. For the first time, I could feel the extremely fast heart rate beating within me, blood rushed through my face and I was blushing! Is this what we called love?!

Strangely, deep down inside me, I could feel that I had this kind of feeling before. Nathalie, Nathalie, who are you? It would be miracle for me that a girl that met me for the first time had just kissed me and miracle happened!

I was admitted out of hospital after one week of observation. Nathalie came for visit everyday but she would hide herself away whenever Ellie was here. I was thrilled for this secret love because I was not prepared to let Ellie know by the way.

Nathalie became my only company at school. She skipped her classes to join me. We ate meals together and we went to cinema, the beach and the lake house together. Whenever she saw me, she would run quickly towards me, jump on me, threw her arms around my neck and we kissed. We were madly in love! She was like a gift in my life.

However, these wonderful days didn’t last.

The movie ‘Sucker Punch’ was out. Nathalie and I had agreed to watch the midnight show. I pretended to sleep early today when Ellie checked on me. As her stiletto heels clicking down to her room, I opened up the window and sneaked out from my house.

I knew I was not going to make it in the olden days with my weight and fat. But I was doing for Nathalie. And the power of love had made a fat guy to climb down from his window on the second floor. I was excited for another date. I never expected I would date people at this early age.

I met Nathalie up who was long waited across the street. And as usual, she jumped on me and pressed her lips on mine. We kissed a bit longer this time.

We walked together to the cinema. But I sensed that Nathalie was not in a good mood. She was hiding something from me.

“Nathalie dear, what had happened?”

“Harry, I’m afraid that I’m leaving you soon.”

“Why? I will never let you go! Is it because of your father, he is travelling again?”

Nathalie shook her head.

“Hunter found out about us and made fun of it? Oh I knew it! Is it because of me that you couldn’t accept a fat guy as your boyfriend?!”

I was completely upset as if the whole world had fallen on me. I put my hand in my pocket and squeezed the tickets.

All Nathalie did is shaking her head.

“I will never let you go!” I grabbed Nathalie’s hands and dragged her to the cinema.

A car came out of nowhere and hit Nathalie.

It crashed through Nathalie and all I saw were flesh and blood on the road. I couldn’t help but to vomit after seeing Nathalie lying down on the road with blood. I was crying and yelling to the public.

“Someone call the ambulance please! This girl is hurt! Please! Please! Please!”

An ambulance came over and stopped at the scene.

Two big and tall guys in pure white uniform came over.

“Please save her! She’s hurt!”

But they ignored Nathalie.

Instead they snatched my hands. I could feel my arms almost broken and the pain in my bone.

“Let me go! Let me go! What are you trying to do? You should save her!!!”

In panic, I saw one of the guys took out a needle from his pocket and inserted it to my neck.

This was a conspiracy!!!

You two had killed Nathalie!!!

Who had sent you all? Hunter?!

I woke up in a hospital again. In dizziness, I heard the hustle and bustle of people’s footsteps. There were minor whispers and phone ringing from distance.

And I saw Hunter!

He was sitting next to my bed and reading his stupid Seventeen.

I knew it was him. He was the one who planned all this!

I tried to get up and punch him but I realized that I was tied tighten with cuff on my hands.

“Someone catch this murderer!!!” I shouted.

Hunter was as relaxing as he could.

“You are awake!” he said and went to get a cup of water for me.

“I was confused.” I said.

Hunter opened up a photo album.

“I wished this could help.”

He showed me the photos inside. Those were old pictures without colour. Most of the pictures were my father wearing army’s uniform, smiling smartly to us.

Then one of the pictures had surprised me! My heart beat even faster and my tongue was tightened.

It was a picture showing a married couple hugging each other and smiled.

The guy was my father and the girl, horribly was Nathalie!!!

“This is you,” Hunter pointed to the guy I thought to be my father.

Then he pointed at Nathalie and said, “This is Ellie.”

“You were no longer 16. You are 60 now. This good-looking and smart soldier was you. And poor Ellie, she was suffering seeing you in this way. You two had married for a long time and now you called her your mother.”

I was not able to completely accept the truth that struck me.

I pointed to another picture, this time in colour, with ‘me’ and a boy sitting on my shoulder.

“If I was to be my father, who was this child?”

“It’s me. I am your son, Hunter. You named me after a friend who had saved your life.”

“Hunter, stop it!!! Your father couldn’t accept so much truth at one time. He must not be told about all this!” Ellie came into view.

Now I discovered Ellie looked like Nathalie, only that she was older.

“I had to tell him, mother! You had schizophrenia after the Vietnam War and all those things that ever happened were only your mere imaginations!!!”

Everything seemed so verisimilitude. I was confused and exhausted.

I felt asleep and went in search of Nathalie in my dream.

Stop by and write something

I can still smell the cheese from my hair.

It is Wai Yen's Birthday!!!

She was blindfolded, leading by another two friends, [maybe a little bit syok sendiri inside her heart as she walked towards a 'surprise' party] before came to a crowd that were long awaiting to yell out 'Happy B'day'!

The guitar guided us to begin the 'Happy B'day' song with clapping hands in between.

I know I was lame in describing these kinds of things.

By the way, we were supposed to crash the party but Auntie Rose was asking me to behave along the time. We longed for surprise really, in fact she was, I meant in this campus, in this so-called deserted place Kelantan, what else kind of fun can we have? Don't tell me about stuffing fried chicken at the 24-hour KFC during 10pm is a fun.

I was extremely guilty about it and I ate the Chocolate Indulgence too.

Just for how many hour, all my effort from exercising in order to be healthy were all gone because of some peer pressure. Indeed, it was cool to exchange AN AWESOME NIGHT with EFFORT once in a while. Okay la, once in a while.

And check out this picture I took for her while snapping the chance to push down the shutter at the time when Yi Qin's Nikon light splashed on her face.


It was kinda awesome when the light from his camera had obviously divided the picture into a lighter and darker region and the line was extremely SHARPPPPP!!! It's like a perfect cutting over. This is what we called PRO, right? Oh no! It was not that nice. But it's spinning in my mind already whether to join basic photography or after effect for the next CHARGE UP!

Despite being busy as a medical student, I'm trying to fill some colour in my life with some part time hobby. However, I will commit all these unto the Lord. It is a pure joy to have everything of your life under His control.

Anyway, I couldn't believe that Wai Yen actually wasted her Choco Indulgence by casting it on my hair, thanks a lot!

Well, I could sense the sarcasm in my whole blog. Oh, this is so not me! xDD

I wish I could stop being lame to my friends. I actually indulged in it yet dislike it. It spoiled my impression a lot.

Who would want 'lameness' to be marker of herself? I don't think I can find one.

Nite. May good LORD bless you!



'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you...' Jeremiah 1:5a

By the way, here are some pictures I had taken in the campus recently, there are more but you know it takes TIME to upload.

Couple minutes ago before I blog. Pearl was holding a cat or probably she's still holding when I'm blogging. Well, I like cat and dog. And I love it when they both are best friends. =) Don't dislike it when cat leaves you. There's no wrong it leaving you when you are not feeding them. People have to cari makan weyy. [Maslow]




Another picture of Wai Yen, waiting to blow her 20th candles! =) Don't punch me and bully me anymore cuz you're officially older than me now!



Oooh, nice! Never regret I brought my phone when I went for exercise.


Hey, wake up! Pro is coming soon!



Wow, you make me Kan-Cheong!!! So semangat to study!!

P.S Any person or animal who appeared in the pictures in this blog are disallowed to claim their copyright.

(Let go of the past), God says you worth it.

juST a sudden knock in my head by God's words in facebook.

I used to have this habit to read what God wants to tell me cuz I believe He is the Maker of Heaven and Earth and He made Mark Zuckerberg as well, so He might as well playing Facebook.

And this is something really inspiring to me, hope it might do something to you as well.

I failed my exam twice ever since I am here. I passed for the third and I believed it's God's work. Cuz the night before I went to get my result, I was worried. When I was sleeping, a voice came to me and said, 'You are getting A+ for your MCQ [One of the three papers in the exam].' I was too excited to hear it until I was awaken.

Only to realize that it was just a dream, I figured no way, it must have been my own imagination. Who am I? I am a failure. No, if it is measured to my degree of perfection, I AM A F-I-A-S-C-O, fiasco, yes, fiasco.

I was used to be a perfectionist during secondary school. I wasn't really care about competition between the people. But if I am not doing good in one thing, I will feel bad. I always want to be the best but not better. This is what I believe as a reason for my English is better among my peers.

There is a story behind it. My parents are not English-ed, we don't talk English at home and I attended Chinese Primary School. So, you know, when I came to this National Secondary School, it's really culture shock, man! Everyone is conversing in English or Malay that I don't understand.

And I was humiliated by my English teacher, calling me 'Idiot' which I didn't even know the meaning.

So, what did I do?

I fell in love with English because of him.

I slept at 10pm and woke up at 4am everyday just to read English articles. Cuz I had my own room at home, I read it out loud in order to improve my speaking. And I actually read every page of my secondary school English textbook and in every page, I searched for the meaning for every word that I had never seen before and then I created sentence myself for the word. Then, I watched all kinds of English drama especially One Tree Hill and Batman animation and repeated the dialoagues after them. The hardest part is laughing like a Joker, erm, sort of. It is just mere desire to gain knowledge, not doing it by purpose for exam or for number 1.

Even the 'me' in the present now have fallen in love with this 'me' in the past, wondering why things are never be the same again. I admired the 'me' who know how to raise up hands and ask questions even tough people might laugh at you for that. I strongly regretted I had went for work and had one year of slackering Matriculation which turned myself upside down...... or to just blame every changes on that one year of depressions during Form 5? I don't know.

I was not the one of myself in the past.

And it's indescribable of the feeling I'm having now, knowing that I had became people whom I used to feel pity for at school. Those who were willing to ruin their own future, not wanting to learn.

And often, I felt very stressed out, especially now. I always fear that I will fail God. Being a child of Him, why am I always in the last row? Why am I still watching movie and facebooking even tough I know it's meaningless? Even tough I have changed myself, there is a fear inside me telling me that I am too late. I am a perfectionist in the past for myself and I am still one. You know the kind of odd perfectionist, I will just give up the whole thing if I have assume that the outcome is not the best among others.

And God gives me His word today and I hope it speaks to you too.

On this day, God wants you to know,

that you are unique and precious. When you try to value yourself for being the best in something, you are bound to fail. Even Olympic champions are the best only for a few years. You are precious to God not because there is no one better than you, but because you are a unique creation of mind, body and spirit, - there is no one like you, - and that is exactly what makes you so indescribably precious.

Does it hit you too?

I guess, no matter how good/how bad I am in the past, these words tell me to stand up and live for today as if there is no tomorrow. And God is always faithful to me. =)

And not forget to tell the testimony that, I really did get A+ for MCQ and this is the paper which pull my grade to pass.

Wish that everything just happen and be done to me according to His will.

Hues

These were either the pictures I took in different places..or my own drawing(only d last one)...pls click to view image if you can't see the verse/quote I related to the pictures...time for some sight stimulation...=)

I'm actually shooting the hospital site at night far across from the field...

Dropped/Fallen Away

In the freakin' cold air-conditioned library, I unplugged my broadband and put it into my pocket and headed to the washroom, leaving my Toshiba laptop alone on the desk running its screensaver.

Just in case the snowy white 1.5 GB Maxis Broadband with its cute blue light on might ignite the desire to covet in passer-by, I kept it inside my pocket along with me whenever I was away. Makes me feel secure.

I came back from the washroom, figured I had something to do, unplugged my laptop, signed my name at the counter, kept the laptop in bag and rushed back to room.

I came back to room, went for shower, since there was still time, I went to throw all the piled up clothes into washing machine, rushed back to room, changed, took my bag and walked to lecture hall with a fresh mind after the cool shower.

I came to lecture hall, listened to lecture from the same guy, paid part of the attention, rejoiced over that it came to end and happily came back to room.

4p.m, my cellphone showed.

I took a nap.

6p.m I woke up, with a little regret over the long nap, I went to see my clothes, picked them up and heated them in the dryer. That was my proudly invented fastest method to get my laundry done, simple, easy, save time and cheaper than calling the Perfect 7 Laundry guy over.

I came back to room, wow, it was almost 7.

I peeped through the window, thank God, the sky was not yet dark.

I put on my sneakers, my headset ready, I rushed down through the stairs and did some warm up, jogged for 15 minutes without stopping just like the plan she made for me.

Ah...except I forgot to measure my heart rate, AGAIN!

I was upset with my goldfish memory yet I headed back to room after cycling for a few rounds in the campus area.

I came back to room, sweaty and hot. [not the other hot, ehem]

I sat down, waiting to cool down before another shower.

I plugged in my laptop.

Wait a minute, where's my broadband??!!

Where is it?

Is it possible I washed it together with the clothes?

No way.

I searched my bag again and again. And my messy drawer, that was the painful part.

I must have lost it on the way I get back to the room.

It must have drop off from my pocket when I was rushing.

Disappointed, I went for shower. What can I do? Mourn for the best partner I ever had?

Then it hit me, that I have correlate it with our spiritual life.

Sometimes, we thought we brought ourself out with Christ-like character. We thought God is inside us, just like the broadband safe inside my pocket. But we just didn't realised when it dropped somewhere in the middle of hustle and bustle.

We yelled out at our friends or probably silenced ourselves with an annoying face. We started to say something dorky or involved ourself and indulged in the fun of slandering people. We kicked away the rubbish in the way to lecture. We pretended that friends were invisible and avoided to greet them when we were not in a good mood. We signed fake attendance for friends. We complained about the lameness of the lecturer. We were happy to discuss about how to finish assignment sloppily and how to skip lecture and go off for some break. TSK, TSK, TSK...

In the morning we prayed to Him and promised Him we're going to start a fresh new life. But when things get hectic, we forgot everything or to say, we dropped everything. Haiz...

So, is it time for us to quite down ourselves and pray? Don't let work or stress be the fuze to anger and upset.

Have a break, have a prayer.




Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. ---John 14:27

Thank You Lord

As the world looks upon me, as I struggle along
They say I have nothing, but they are so wrong
In my heart I'm rejoicing, how I wish they could see
Thank you Lord, for your blessings on me

There's a roof up above me
I've a good place to sleep
There's food on my table
And shoes on my feet
You gave me your love Lord
And a fine family
Thank you Lord, for your blessings on me

Now I know I'm not wealthy, and these clothes , they're not new
I don't have much money, but Lord I have you
And to me that's all that matters, though the world cannot see
Thank you Lord, for your blessings on me

Thank you Lord, for your blessings on me

Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done

After shower, I looked at myself in the mirror, combing my hair while starting the self-admiring. I preferred the hair colour in wet condition, less striking. Narcissism took over.

And then I discovered, lots of black hair were growing, hiding beneath the golden field. In one month time, the dying effect ceased.

I wasn't disappointed. Instead, I bowed down my head and prayed.

A sudden thought made me to declare to God instantly, "Father Lord, forgive my boldness and rebellion that I once dyed my hair not for beauty, not for fun, not for any good intention but just to show that I can go against You. Forgive me Lord, and thank You that You remained faithful to me, remained keeping my hair growing out healthily. I shall appreciate the way You created me and the time You had chosen me to know You. This would be the last time I dyed my hair. In Jesus's holy name I pray, Amen!"

For many times, I couldn't answer the reason I dyed my hair to other people. Now, you know. It was the anguish of my spirit to God. The striking golden hair could have tell a lot of things.

What had knocked me was, "What if my hair stops growing or not growing in black anymore or my hair is falling off?" But God does not punish me after I have chosen to against Him, telling Him that I can change the way He made me. He made me to learn through the process. He never leaves nor forsakes me, like He had promised in the Scripture.

What if?

We can have thousands of 'what if' or even billions of this wondering in a day.

But when you walked throughout your life, you would realize how amazing it is the way God keeps your life in order, just by approving some of the 'what if's and disapproving others. You might jump and yell in disbelief when you see the miraculous outcomes. But most of time, when you go through the process, you might be as frustrated as the Jews who were sent out in the wilderness once, complaining the bad taste of manna to God, unwilling to move on.

The easiest part which makes the hardest, you just have to wait for His time! To me, the faith we are holding on comes with believing that only God knows what is the best for us and He restores the best for us. Faith without deeds is dead, just like when you refuse to wait.

Yet, God approves us not for we are faithful but He is omnibenevolent.

Psalm 37:4 stated clearly,

"Take delight in the LORD,
and He will give you the desires of your heart."

So, instead of wondering if He gave you the desires of your heart, have you been wondered if you take delight in Him or materials in the world?

Eh, one more thing, the warmest message I ever gotten from all of the videos shown by Pearl at KBBC today would be [God does not need you to run fastest in the race, but to finish it and win the prize].

I used to wonder for many things I could have done. I bet you did the same. But we don't have to be good at everything as that is not our goal!

1 Cor 9:24-25, "In a race all the runners take part in it, but only one of them wins the prize. Run, then, in such a way as to win the prize. Every athlete in training submits to strict discipline; he does so in order to be crowned with a wreath that will not last; but we do it for one that will last forever."

And the right race would be,

Acts 20:24 ...I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

A quote that might motivate you here,

"Everything I'm not make everything I am!" =)

Last but not least,

*“I Shall Not Die, But LIVE, and Declare the Works of the LORD” Psalm 118:17*