(Let go of the past), God says you worth it.

juST a sudden knock in my head by God's words in facebook.

I used to have this habit to read what God wants to tell me cuz I believe He is the Maker of Heaven and Earth and He made Mark Zuckerberg as well, so He might as well playing Facebook.

And this is something really inspiring to me, hope it might do something to you as well.

I failed my exam twice ever since I am here. I passed for the third and I believed it's God's work. Cuz the night before I went to get my result, I was worried. When I was sleeping, a voice came to me and said, 'You are getting A+ for your MCQ [One of the three papers in the exam].' I was too excited to hear it until I was awaken.

Only to realize that it was just a dream, I figured no way, it must have been my own imagination. Who am I? I am a failure. No, if it is measured to my degree of perfection, I AM A F-I-A-S-C-O, fiasco, yes, fiasco.

I was used to be a perfectionist during secondary school. I wasn't really care about competition between the people. But if I am not doing good in one thing, I will feel bad. I always want to be the best but not better. This is what I believe as a reason for my English is better among my peers.

There is a story behind it. My parents are not English-ed, we don't talk English at home and I attended Chinese Primary School. So, you know, when I came to this National Secondary School, it's really culture shock, man! Everyone is conversing in English or Malay that I don't understand.

And I was humiliated by my English teacher, calling me 'Idiot' which I didn't even know the meaning.

So, what did I do?

I fell in love with English because of him.

I slept at 10pm and woke up at 4am everyday just to read English articles. Cuz I had my own room at home, I read it out loud in order to improve my speaking. And I actually read every page of my secondary school English textbook and in every page, I searched for the meaning for every word that I had never seen before and then I created sentence myself for the word. Then, I watched all kinds of English drama especially One Tree Hill and Batman animation and repeated the dialoagues after them. The hardest part is laughing like a Joker, erm, sort of. It is just mere desire to gain knowledge, not doing it by purpose for exam or for number 1.

Even the 'me' in the present now have fallen in love with this 'me' in the past, wondering why things are never be the same again. I admired the 'me' who know how to raise up hands and ask questions even tough people might laugh at you for that. I strongly regretted I had went for work and had one year of slackering Matriculation which turned myself upside down...... or to just blame every changes on that one year of depressions during Form 5? I don't know.

I was not the one of myself in the past.

And it's indescribable of the feeling I'm having now, knowing that I had became people whom I used to feel pity for at school. Those who were willing to ruin their own future, not wanting to learn.

And often, I felt very stressed out, especially now. I always fear that I will fail God. Being a child of Him, why am I always in the last row? Why am I still watching movie and facebooking even tough I know it's meaningless? Even tough I have changed myself, there is a fear inside me telling me that I am too late. I am a perfectionist in the past for myself and I am still one. You know the kind of odd perfectionist, I will just give up the whole thing if I have assume that the outcome is not the best among others.

And God gives me His word today and I hope it speaks to you too.

On this day, God wants you to know,

that you are unique and precious. When you try to value yourself for being the best in something, you are bound to fail. Even Olympic champions are the best only for a few years. You are precious to God not because there is no one better than you, but because you are a unique creation of mind, body and spirit, - there is no one like you, - and that is exactly what makes you so indescribably precious.

Does it hit you too?

I guess, no matter how good/how bad I am in the past, these words tell me to stand up and live for today as if there is no tomorrow. And God is always faithful to me. =)

And not forget to tell the testimony that, I really did get A+ for MCQ and this is the paper which pull my grade to pass.

Wish that everything just happen and be done to me according to His will.

Everyone is unique in their own ways.

I remembered as a child, I came from family of poor. And I always is.

I was difficult to accept the fact after being raised by my grandparents for more than 10 years, that my mother is adopted. And I was difficult to believe that the one who is wealthy is my grandfather, not my father.

And this cat only came out of the bag when I attended the funeral of my real flesh and blood grandmother, with my mother one day when I was Form 2. And I only discovered that I have cousins and they are many.

Grandfather was the closet to me, once. And father, according to grandfather's description, was a gambler, a loser. In my mind, my parents were two monsters I hated very much every time they paid me a visit.

Mother loved her other children. Father was fierce. So, I guessed only my grandparents cared for me.

Until I stayed with them, I knew I was wrong.

Father is the breadwinner of a family of six. Even tough there were so many things happened to my family, despite several quarrels, he never left us like any family drama would be. And whenever he earned more, he would take us for an outing. He is always willing to spend on us. We had been to Birdpark, Taiping Zoo, Botanical Garden, beach and I remembered we were seeking for mall by looking for the balloon they hang in the air, highly in the sky.

I was happy to eat at the food stall, as long as we were one family. I found that we were happier. I got every kind of toy I wanted. A xylophone, a kid lion costume for lion dance, a kid keyboard and of course McD free toys joined the team. Then, father brought in two hamsters for the family, several kois and some green peas.

We were excited when the green peas grew, it felt like an achievement.

Then, we had video games, the one with yellow tape. And slowly, we skipped to PS2.

Father liked Mario Bros and mother was expert in BomberMan. And I loved bumping car on the screen. Sometimes, father paired up with my younger sister in playing Tank.

Our family bond were so strong in the Sega time.

Our wealth were the happiness.

I looked at my neighbour's son and he is dull. His family is rich but they hardly go out together. His father is busy at his factory and he is busy for swimming class, piano lesson and math class. His mother, however, is busy driving him everywhere for class.

And I felt lucky enough that I didn't know any music, any instrument and I couldn't swim.

But I was good at understanding film. In fact, I was lucky to know Mandarin, Cantonese, English and Malay. I watched almost every kind of film including Bollywood and sometimes Mexico. Practically, I knew the difference of the mindsets of people around the world. TV is all I got and all I liked.

I am really sorry for blaming my parents that they don't raise me as someone talented, like a pianist, a violist, a novelist, a ballerina or a squash player. I am really sorry that I was upset that I am just normal like any other child.

But, normal is good eventually I find.

I enjoyed speaking broken English, singing badly and dancing clumsily.

Because I am special of them.