Loneliness

I was a witness.

A witness of a group of bullies taking away a boy, a future and a life.

And whenever I told people about it, I hate the sad look in respond, because no matter how compassionate people feel about it, it won't help.

Now I understand part of the reasons why I slipped and fell. Cuz I had to feel what my brother had felt.

and now I felt it.

I'm having a hard time. Fear of being looked down by people. Fear of speaking out. No more confidence. Only disappointment on myself to bring such a shame to my family. Only anger on myself for not being able to contribute.

and during this hard time at home, enduring, grappling,...... friend who would be taking more than 5 minutes just to comfort or catching up with how am I doing is none.

there was Chinese guy in my campus. repeater. once a top ranking student at a Chinese school which every Chinese parents would have dreamed for their children to be accepted into. It would be glory to the family if you got into that school.

but he failed. repeated. then I heard from some sources that he was too caught up with online games that he failed the second time and officially got kicked out.

for the first time i heard this, i shook my head. I guessed some of my friends do the same. to be honest, why is he so stupid to give up himself?

but then I looked at myself now. I felt so lonely. so without friends, support and encouragement. all my friends were busy with new camps, new events, new places to go. in fact, i only realized, in my whole life, i never really got a true friend, those are just friends for chatting tabs, supper and maybe some outing.

then I thought, perhaps, no one ever told this guy that he could stand up again. maybe they sympathized him a little bit at the start, and fired the most horrible question each time they saw him, 'How are you doing?'

then in our little mind with wounded pride, we would think, 'Of course I'm not doing good, I failed, you know it.' then, doubts stir in our head because we practically assumed everyone to treat us not the same again, they will treat us as a "REPEATER".

and even the 'How are you doing?' is so fake that these people would walk away as soon as there is another appropriate friend and conversation.

i mean, for some people, if you're not good at doing this, at showing compassion, why you have to do this in half way?

so this guy hopes for a friend, wishes for someone to talk, desires to be appreciated.

but no one ever told him that he can do it on the course.

so he sought for ways to be appreciated, one of them was playing online games with friends, showing off them that, 'i can still do something even tough i'm failed'. this is just a guess.

then, he started all kinds of weird actions to catch people's attention. eventually, everyone walks away. so the world becomes more lonely and lonely.

now his only got friends like games, internet and many others. like in any movie we can see, when people started to fall, people walk away.

and for the first time in my life, this is how I feel.

but when I feel so lonely, so without friends,

what about David?

In his hardest time to deal with bullies almost every single day, he never told us a word about it.

and we never asked. we never cared.

when he got problem, i never gave a pat on his shoulder, i never took a caring look at him, i never even said a word for support. in fact, the whole family did.

we never treated him the same again, we took him as abnormal, we kept ourselves, our hearts, our love away from him.

worst, we really made him feel like he is not contributing at all, he is not appreciated.

his world is so lonely, so dark and grey. no friend is there for him. what the school and childhood reminded him of, were cases of humiliation in front of the class, being told to sit outside the class, being beaten up and being silent at home.

and then when Mom came to deal with this, there is no hug, no love but tears that told him about her disappointment and lots and lots of medicine since then.

before we came to know the Lord, he always wanted to be monk. and tonight my Mom told me she finally knew why.

we were all curious to see such an odd interest he had when he requested to be monk. that would mean no more life.

which answered the whole question. he didn't want a life anymore cuz the world disappointed him, the classmates, the teachers, and worst his family, his sister who could only scold for his mistakes.

his world is even lonelier than mine. cuz for some of the years, he hadn't know about God.

in my hardest time, I have Jesus as friend to talk.

but in his hardest time, he is just himself.

i remembered when i got into accident last year. he prayed for me all the way to hospital, that means an hour from N.T to Penang island.

but today, when i heard about his condition, i was so quiet that i didn't know how to pray for him. in fact, i was so cold-blooded that i refused to care.

cuz i had my own problem now(i failed?)? is that my reason?

could it be others people reason too when they are just too busy to care?

what is my failure when it's compared to David?

what is my loneliness when it's compared to David?

what is my disappointment when it's compared to David?

what is my grumble when it's compared to David?

for the first time, I really wanted to pray for God to take away his life because he had suffered enough. He Had!

those who had read this, please pray for my brother, David. thank you.

There's been a death.

A family friend's husband died three days ago. We didn't attend the funeral. The wife was so sad that she wasn't able to reply anyone's call or message because she would be crying and just crying on the phone, so let alone to inform more people about it. I guess only close relatives were there for her.

We got the news by today from a text by her no. But I thought someone else was using her cellphone to made this known to people. My mother was shocked that she could only ask 'why?'.

'Heart attack.'

Malaysia Number 1 Killer.

I really wish that she can be strong and people around her would take time to give her support. Because it must be hard for her that she just accepted her little girl's death few years ago of sickness. Now only a son is left with her, who is going to sit for PMR.

I couldn't describe how I feel. Because I just met this Uncle few weeks ago. He was friendly, cheerful and we were on the topic of sandwich business when our family paid the visit. But now he was gone. He looked fine and healthy but he was gone. His passing away had told us another story where he did a cardio surgery about 10 years ago.

And his death made a lot of things flashed through my mind even tough I was not close to this Uncle. He was just a husband to a friend who had been nice to our family. Two of which he reminded were the poem we once learnt.

And then the milliner, and the man

Of the appalling trade,To take the measure of the house.There'll be that dark parade.

-Taken from There's been a death in the opposite house, Emily Dickinson

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day To the last syllable of recorded time,And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death.Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot,full of sound and fury Signifying nothing.

-Life's Brief Candle, William Shakespeare

The first poem gave me a feel of the numbness of death. It was as if these are the things that will naturally occur followed a person's death in any house. In the last stanza, she said, 'It's as easy as a sign'. A sign of people died and you knew it when you saw the numb look on people. No one escapes death and no one escapes what they have to go through when death happens.

And William Shakespeare was fury with life and made a really real reality check with everyone, To the last syllable of recorded time,And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death.

I was also reminded about an incident few years ago. Where in a way back home from grocery store, I saw an old man who would always walked with his cane everyday back and forth using the same road and he had just fallen down right in front of my eyes. I hurried over and tried to help him up. But I realized I was too weak to lift him and awkwardly I put him back down to the dusty, rocky road. I took his cane which fell at the side and put it back to his hand. With the cane, himself and a little help from me, he managed to get up.

His head were covered with dust and blood. I helped him to sit on a stone bench. I grabbed his cap and handed to him. He said thank you and I asked if I could help him to walk back home but he said he was fine. And then he kept explaining that he had been old and it was just easier for him to fall. I hurried home with my bike and told my family about it. I was going to grab an umbrella for him because it seemed like it was going to be raining.

My father was proud of what I was doing even tough he didn't say it. But grandmother was angry and said what if the old man died the moment I was helping him. It was like some sort of pantang for Chinese and they didn't easily go help some old man look like will be dying soon. I hadn't come to know the Lord at the time and I was so surprised with the respond from people. I meant I was always thinking we should help people in need.

And I saw outside my house, the old man was walking again in drizzle, heading back home which was just a few walks more.

Few days later, Mom told me he was dead.

And innocently I blogged about it back then.

I am sure many of us will have a light sigh when we saw death, funeral or many white clothes hanging before people's house and especially someone you knew a little bit or more died young or died old. Sometimes we avoided or pretended not to see it when our cars just had to pass by.Of course, who knows how it feel when it comes to someone even closer, your beloved......you have really came across it.

And when death news spread out, we took it as a reminder of 'life is short' and 'we have to fight more for no reason' just to 'live as if there's no tomorrow' so that this life feels like being filled. Sometimes, we even reflected our own lives so that no more regret stains on our chapters.

People are all afraid of death because they always want for more and you have to need more time for that! Even William Shakespeare was afraid of death as death could take everything away from him until his life was left signifying nothing and this made him felt like an idiot.

What if I tell you now there is a portion of people in the world who do not afraid of death? Because they see past the death and they see death as only just the beginning of a new life. Yet at the same time, they didn't feel like strutting and fretting hours here because they are fighting for a whole new reason, Jesus.

How did Christian see past the death?

Revelation
Chapter 21

1

¹ Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth. The former heaven and the former earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. ²

2

I also saw the holy city, a new Jerusalem, ³ coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

3

I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, God's dwelling is with the human race. He will dwell with them and they will be his people ⁴ and God himself will always be with them (as their God).

4

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, (for) the old order has passed away."

5

The one who sat on the throne ⁵ said, "Behold, I make all things new." Then he said, "Write these words down, for they are trustworthy and true."

6

He said to me, "They are accomplished. ⁶ I (am) the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give a gift from the spring of life-giving water.

7

The victor ⁷ will inherit these gifts, and I shall be his God, and he will be my son.

8

But as for cowards, ⁸ the unfaithful, the depraved, murderers, the unchaste, sorcerers, idol-worshipers, and deceivers of every sort, their lot is in the burning pool of fire and sulfur, which is the second death."

Christians see past death because they see a new life, a second life without tears, death and pain. We are sinners, no doubt but we have an advocate, Jesus Christ who had died for our sins on the cross, in so, we are saved when He offered Himself for us and His resurrection after three days took over all the authority on earth which Adam had just given over to the enemy when he wanted more like us! see here.

And this doesn't mean we have to sit down and wait for the second life to come without doing anything. God has His plan and time for us once we believe in Him, we are to be called His children and He is excited and full of love to make a perfect plan for us. This is why 'The victor ⁷ will inherit these gifts,'...and this is also why we see past the death, hope for the second life and we see past the materials on earth and hope for the gifts of heaven.

And human will always have a choice just like Adam. You can choose yes or no to Jesus. But you just have to understand that once you said 'no', it applied at that single moment that you had just said 'yes' to His enemy, the devil, your body own desire and lust and also the world which would pass away. You might as well enjoy all the fun but you can never escape the truth, the second death.

Sometimes I would think people are so afraid of death not just about things they couldn't take away with them but also unawarely they realized there is a second death waiting for them because they see no second life.

If you see a second life after this and are sure you have it, you would be excited for death instead of fearing it.

I was always be shocked a little bit when I heard people I barely knew were dead. But if you asked how do I feel for myself and people I love, it would certainly different.

I see past death. But I was anxious for my beloveds. I am sure for a second life for myself, but what would I feel when some of the people I love still not understand this love from God and keep falling to other security and comfort. When asked about death, they came to the word 'dusty' just like William Shakespeare.

But death is not an end, it is just the beginning. Do not avoid, pretend and pantang, rather welcoming the new second life.

p.s Please pray for my grandfather, Khor Ah Ba who barely able to breathe at night and always gasping for air after his surgery, for he can accept the gospel of Christ as soon as possible.

The Truth is who you are

At the worst possible time, we were stuck. We can't found where the problem comes from and because of this, we can never solve it. Because this is what we are always learning in life, when things surfaced, when moves were stopped, when the most perfect plan was blocked, when failures embraced, when we thought everyone would be looking down on us even tough they didn't, when the circumstances tore us down and we felt so fragile, we find where the problem is, we apply the formula and it's solved.

But now here it comes, you can't find where the problem comes from, and so when it threatens and even harms you, you are so vulnerable to surrender to the destruction.

Just like a new virus came for a new challenge, we can't identify, we can't find a medicine, a solution and so we give up to the invasion and slowly the virus stay and control and live in us.

We were stuck with two things. One is between finding the source and solving. One is becoming more and more aware of 'There's nothing you can do about it'.

So, we sat there and waited for a new hope which never came forever. We were angry with the new hope that never cared for us.

Loneliness seeped in. No one is your friend, no one can be your helper, no one understands you and even the new hope gives you a 'no'.

So, we tried to save ourselves. We stared at the problem and thought we could do something. But somehow the fear always with hold our courage, our breathe, our confidence, 'We could do something, but in fact actually there's nothing we can do'.

And then we were stuck again. And each time we were stuck again, we were weaker for the next time. And so it was on and on and on.

It was endless until the life you once rejoiced about, cherished, fought for had wondered, 'How did I get here?'

Who am I? We tried to believe who we once were, trying to do better, but we couldn't shake the feeling of fear about 'We haven't find the source'.

We yelled, we ran, we jumped, we couldn't sleep, we stared blankly and we hold on to a life which doesn't sound like a life anymore.

And then people around us just never stop getting any better. They laughed, smiled, ran for life, shout for success, jump over triumph, sleep on achievements......and then the question came again, 'Who am I?'

We are not jealous. But we are upset on our own, on the difference between people and lives, on the margin, the failures that never end......

Then, at this worst possible time, worst possible, someone came and told you how great is the value of you. He said, 'You are as worthy as the life I had given on cross. You are as worthy as the flesh and blood I offered. You are worthy to be back to the start again. You are worthy for me to walk beside you this time. You are worthy for my grace to let you see. You are worthy to call out my name because you are worthy to be called my child. And most importantly, I had bought you with price.'

This song and more from Tenth Avenue North's album [The Light Meets The Dark] will inspire you something new about who you are in Christ.

p.s I wasn't writing a review for this album.

Instead what you had just read was about my story for more than a year until a few minutes ago.

Thank you for reading.