Faithfulness of God

Taken from God's grace daily inspiration

I don't think optimism works for those who loves God. I'm not gonna pretend to be happy because if there's something bothered me, I had to cry out to my Father.


When I was little, one day, I planned to escape from home. But the running away wasn't successful. I wasn't taking away clothes or money or anything because I started running by the time I was punished to stand outside the gate again. With whipping scars all over my body, I was kind of a display in the neighbourhood. Sadly, no one has ever said a word for me, in fact, neighbours hardly talk to each other.

I ran as far as I could and I found everybody on the street were looking at me. I was 11 years old at that time and I was so scared that someone would abducted me or find out what I was doing. But when I looked down, I found out why I caught people's attention. Because I wore a short that day and scars were all over my legs. I felt uncomfortable being looked at and so I risked coming back home. 

And here is how I should describe my feeling, I was so depressed that I asked the 'gods' to make me into dog in the next life because being beaten by human and having to search food in garbage is a lot better than my life now.

All I ever know is that my parents hated me very much. I was punished almost everyday. I lost interest in my study. All I ever doing coming back from school was to hide myself in room and talk to my toys. One day, a stray dog came to me and we became best friend and ever since, my time was only spent to hang out with my new friend.

But something changed me. I got interest in school and learning and all that. And all of a sudden, from a student at the bottom of my class, my academic results advanced by leaps and bounds. And then surprisingly I got straight As in my UPSR exam. I remembered my teacher who didn't like me very much smiled at me and gave me a pat on my shoulder and said, 'Good job!' I think every teacher consider student with good results are kind and obedient child which the lousy one will never measure up but I can tell that is not true at all.

I wasn't sure if that was a good news either. Because I'm going to tell you from that day on, I was living for only one thing: EXPECTATION.

I had been using my grades to trade for my parents and my grandparents' love and also my siblings and my friends' respect. I was confused but I accepted the teaching that Love and Respect must be earned. And so, good results was all I pursued. I missed all the high school fun because I seldom joined any sports or made any best friend. I remembered one frightening experience when my parents are discussing to cut me from school and made me start working before they discovered that somehow I could be bright.

And so all the years in high school, I never took easy with myself. But all I ever gained was betrayal from teacher and friends. The teacher I used to pour all my heart into doing her assignment, reading extra apart from what she required just because I loved the subject she was teaching. But she cut me out of a competition without any reasonable excuses. The trust I put in her crushed that day. The trust I put in my friends turned into bubbles. Then they said something hurtful, they wanted me to contribute ideas but they won't give me any position or credits. 

Then, one day after I quarreled with my family,  my mother took a chair from my writing desk and hit me until I bled. I wasn't avoiding like I used to because I was so hurt that I simply wished she would have killed me. 

To make peace with her conscience, my mother said that I was mentally-illed and she had no choice but to beat me like that. So, she forced me to see psychiatrist and took those pills. 

So, what hurts me was not the hitting or violence but the fact that she didn't feel sorry at all beating me like that. Then, I started to hate studies and I always came up with tons of excuses to bail myself out from school.

During that time, she had been to church several times with my brother. And together with the fact that one of the friends who betrayed me was a Christian and another Christian friend   had been teasing ever since, I could hardly accept Christian faith at all.

But strangely, when I sang the song about the precious blood on cross when I attended the Youth Fellowship, I was comforted by the peace that came to me and transcended all understandings. And I could never understand why He would die for my sins because my life experience told me there is no true love. But He just showed me true love is here.

I used to be so lonely that my parents, my siblings, my grandparents, my teachers and my friends abandoned me. But for now, I discovered that if I had something bothering me, I have someone to trust, to hope and to tell how I feel. 

However, things that had been happening freak me out. The failure of test that happened in my first year of university challenge my security. I started to feel insecure because I hadn't shaken the habit of living up to expectation. So now I thought God's love should be traded with my success too. I had this guilt that my failure had shamed my God. Then I felt insecure for fearing that my parents, my siblings, my friends would abandon me once again.

Believe me or not, during the four months of dealing with failure, I had never been so close to God. And I know this regularly happen to people. God is always the last option when we found no one else can help. 

When time has come which I believed I was recovered, I was crushed for the second time. I had a foot fracture during the year I was repeating and starting to do well and once again I had to delay my studies. That is the most confusing time. I was so ashamed to tell people what had happened. And I backslided by doing all the things I knew God wouldn't like me to do. I couldn't tell but it seemed each day, I was expressing my anger to everybody. 

Time goes by and I started to come to my senses. Deep inside me I knew, I can't be separated from Him. I wanted Him back! Even tough my enemies were threatening me each day, I crossed my fingers and cried out to Him. And what is so unfathomable is the fact that He never left me at all and He didn't reject me when I wanted to be back to my Lord.

I knew fear, sin, anger, hatred, doubts, addiction will find their way to get back to me. But His presence with me have given me the strength.

I would like to share a letter I wrote to God in times of fear.

Dear Lord,
I'm scared. I'm scared.Waiting makes me scared.'No answer' makes me scared.'Failure' makes me scared.Loneliness makes me scared.The way people looking at me makes me scared.My parents make me scared.My sister makes me scared.Knowing 'I can't' makes me scared.Unknown future makes me scared.Life is scary!
Help me please!!!
Rachel.

Here is how God replies me:
Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights-and in that darkness you will soon hear me whispering, “I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense…Hold fast. Let me embrace you in your hour of pain.”

Then I remembered a man's life stories thousand of years ago, he never gave up on God when,

the brothers he trusted sold him to slave trader,
his Master's wife put him to jail with something he had never done,
the prisoner he once helped had forgotten him,

even tough it seemed he had to deal with a lot, he believed in the dreams God had given him and all he did was simply trusting. Read more...

The true meaning of trust is to surrender completely even tough at times we don't understand, we believe He prepares the best for us. And without trust, I can hardly tell if I have relationship with God.

When I say I am a Christian
I am not shouting I’m clean living
I’m whispering I was lost
Now I’m found and forgiven

When I say I am a Christian
I don’t speak of this with pride
I’m confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide

When I say I am a Christian
I am not trying to be strong
I’m professing that I’m weak
and need His strength to carry on

When I say I am a Christian
I’m not bragging of success
I’m admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess

When I say I am a Christian
I am not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it

When I say I am a Christian
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my shares of heartaches
So I call upon His name

When I say I am a Christian
I ‘m not holier than thou
I’m just a simple sinner
Who received God’s good grace, somehow. 

-Carol Wimmer

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5