Loneliness

I was a witness.

A witness of a group of bullies taking away a boy, a future and a life.

And whenever I told people about it, I hate the sad look in respond, because no matter how compassionate people feel about it, it won't help.

Now I understand part of the reasons why I slipped and fell. Cuz I had to feel what my brother had felt.

and now I felt it.

I'm having a hard time. Fear of being looked down by people. Fear of speaking out. No more confidence. Only disappointment on myself to bring such a shame to my family. Only anger on myself for not being able to contribute.

and during this hard time at home, enduring, grappling,...... friend who would be taking more than 5 minutes just to comfort or catching up with how am I doing is none.

there was Chinese guy in my campus. repeater. once a top ranking student at a Chinese school which every Chinese parents would have dreamed for their children to be accepted into. It would be glory to the family if you got into that school.

but he failed. repeated. then I heard from some sources that he was too caught up with online games that he failed the second time and officially got kicked out.

for the first time i heard this, i shook my head. I guessed some of my friends do the same. to be honest, why is he so stupid to give up himself?

but then I looked at myself now. I felt so lonely. so without friends, support and encouragement. all my friends were busy with new camps, new events, new places to go. in fact, i only realized, in my whole life, i never really got a true friend, those are just friends for chatting tabs, supper and maybe some outing.

then I thought, perhaps, no one ever told this guy that he could stand up again. maybe they sympathized him a little bit at the start, and fired the most horrible question each time they saw him, 'How are you doing?'

then in our little mind with wounded pride, we would think, 'Of course I'm not doing good, I failed, you know it.' then, doubts stir in our head because we practically assumed everyone to treat us not the same again, they will treat us as a "REPEATER".

and even the 'How are you doing?' is so fake that these people would walk away as soon as there is another appropriate friend and conversation.

i mean, for some people, if you're not good at doing this, at showing compassion, why you have to do this in half way?

so this guy hopes for a friend, wishes for someone to talk, desires to be appreciated.

but no one ever told him that he can do it on the course.

so he sought for ways to be appreciated, one of them was playing online games with friends, showing off them that, 'i can still do something even tough i'm failed'. this is just a guess.

then, he started all kinds of weird actions to catch people's attention. eventually, everyone walks away. so the world becomes more lonely and lonely.

now his only got friends like games, internet and many others. like in any movie we can see, when people started to fall, people walk away.

and for the first time in my life, this is how I feel.

but when I feel so lonely, so without friends,

what about David?

In his hardest time to deal with bullies almost every single day, he never told us a word about it.

and we never asked. we never cared.

when he got problem, i never gave a pat on his shoulder, i never took a caring look at him, i never even said a word for support. in fact, the whole family did.

we never treated him the same again, we took him as abnormal, we kept ourselves, our hearts, our love away from him.

worst, we really made him feel like he is not contributing at all, he is not appreciated.

his world is so lonely, so dark and grey. no friend is there for him. what the school and childhood reminded him of, were cases of humiliation in front of the class, being told to sit outside the class, being beaten up and being silent at home.

and then when Mom came to deal with this, there is no hug, no love but tears that told him about her disappointment and lots and lots of medicine since then.

before we came to know the Lord, he always wanted to be monk. and tonight my Mom told me she finally knew why.

we were all curious to see such an odd interest he had when he requested to be monk. that would mean no more life.

which answered the whole question. he didn't want a life anymore cuz the world disappointed him, the classmates, the teachers, and worst his family, his sister who could only scold for his mistakes.

his world is even lonelier than mine. cuz for some of the years, he hadn't know about God.

in my hardest time, I have Jesus as friend to talk.

but in his hardest time, he is just himself.

i remembered when i got into accident last year. he prayed for me all the way to hospital, that means an hour from N.T to Penang island.

but today, when i heard about his condition, i was so quiet that i didn't know how to pray for him. in fact, i was so cold-blooded that i refused to care.

cuz i had my own problem now(i failed?)? is that my reason?

could it be others people reason too when they are just too busy to care?

what is my failure when it's compared to David?

what is my loneliness when it's compared to David?

what is my disappointment when it's compared to David?

what is my grumble when it's compared to David?

for the first time, I really wanted to pray for God to take away his life because he had suffered enough. He Had!

those who had read this, please pray for my brother, David. thank you.