Father Heart of God

It had been two days I was working. I thought I was going kept this as a secret of what job it is and it is one you wouldn't never have a guess right.

After a big nap this afternoon, I decided to take a ride around the neighborhood. I was speeding and wavering during this rush hour where people started to come back from work. A gentle breeze came to greet and join the ride.

I was supposed to be happy, I guessed? I mean it was a riding to release tension.

But as I grew further and I knew a little bit more about Father everyday on, I realized that it doesn't help.

Instead during the ride, without even having any thoughts bothering my mind, there came an ache to my heart and it was aching.

It was controlling me and held my breath back.

I felt so empty inside during that moment just like what I had experienced on and off during this holidays.

The emptiness that rooted inside which I had to seek the reason for it.

This is how I feel during the year I studied medicine.

It was all about flying colours in my life before when it was all about study what they laid down for you.

My direction was to get A for the exam and I worked hard for it, that's all.

But ever since I got this medical course, during the year I studied, my mind started to be in woe and questioned, 'Is it that's all?'

I was trying to protect myself by saying that this is not the real desire from my heart.

But what my heart really questioned isn't whether I'm doing the right course,

It's about life.

I'm questioning life. This is how I found the emptiness inside me.

Life? After 5 years, doctor, got married, settled down, had couples of children, worried about children, took care of parents, worried about myself getting old, death......

That's all?? I couldn't imagine it but to imagine and then reason that there's no more direction for me to fight on.

Seriously, I was supposed to be fighting for all these things I stated which were so predictable?

I am already a Christian during the time. But I wasn't satisfied, not at all.

People taught me to took this course as a blessing and continued on but I can't!

What is the purpose?

I was searching for the purpose and I needed to know the purpose.

I demanded!

I needed to know why God wanted me so much to do this.

Cuz blessing doesn't satisfy my question, it doesn't answer me neither when you say, 'He has His plan and time.'

I need to know!

People tried to redefine life like me. When I was regret, I found many people are like me, indeed almost everyone of them.

We were questioning and seeking.

When I saw my friends working hard for the coming up exam, their passion in learning during the lecture, I felt so angry and rebellious.

I told myself that I couldn't be like them, I couldn't let my life to be in this cycle that I had been repeated for the past many years(passing exam, getting A, compete, become the best and again and again).

What is the definition of life then?

Study hard and then play hard.

Work hard and then play hard.

I can't see the direction and purpose. And I dare not to chase after my own dream neither as no matter what I did, no matter how well I had done, it were all ended in the same way, death!

This is so horrible!

During the time, I knew I'm going to heaven because of Jesus.

But I wasn't satisfied if I was going to spend so many times on earth which was not necessary at all.

And surprisingly, I had questioned it for the whole year.

I was challenging myself that what if I stopped doing what I regularly do...what if I let go of all the discipline I used to have?

And times and times of failures just struck me down too hard that my confidence disappear.

And,

this is it.

Then I started to seek comfort, from movies, internet and others which I strongly believed they were my true way.

It wasn't fear that drifted me away from what I should do.

It was doubt, false comfort and lack of Truth.

Friends always consoled me in a kind way that they thought it was fear from the previous F.

But it was just lack of motivation to continue what had been destined.

And I was dissatisfied of the destiny. I didn't want it to be so simple and boring and planned yet challenging it was not satisfying neither. I thought I was in a dead end. I couldn't come out from my failure yet I couldn't continue who I was.

Imagine nights and nights of phone calls to cry to my Mom. Nights and nights of stay up to think of the meaning of life. I even lose interest to make friends and talk to friends. Because seeing them chasing after and chasing after, I was so tired. They knew that they were chasing, but they just couldn't explain it and had defined this chasing right in the place in what a life should be.

This is why I always feel bullshit about philosophies. They can't explain things at all, they only confuse and motivate you for something that was not explained. I don't know.

But the One is amazing.

He brought hope.

He knew what my question is.

He respected my free will for my fall and He brought me back again and He told me what is life.

I used to wonder why it was so complicated for God to sacrifice His one and only Son for sinners instead of just wiping off sins from the world and destroyed all the evil.

And a sharing by a Pastor in a course I attended recently had told me that Jesus Christ was sacrificed because Father God long for relationship. He wants to reconcile us back to Himself. If we open our heart, He wants to just straight away give us the embrace without saying anything.

He wasn't a God we imagine as an angry Judge to condemn our sins. That is a lie!

He is a Father who is waiting for the child.

I am created for a purpose. I am created for that relationship. No one could fill that empty space inside me except Him.

My life turn to meaning instantly!

I wasn't just live to wait for the trip to heaven. There is a purpose!

Many people are searching for it just like me. And they put it in the wrong place.

They put it in how much money they could earn, how many luxuries they could enjoy, how many success they could build......

And for those who are tired of earning, they put the searching into addictions......, drugs, alcohol, pornography, masturbation, homosexuality......and to define these searching, they began to claim, 'I'm born this way!' I actually saw a gay blog titled, 'Born this way.'

They felt hurt when people humiliated their purpose. And as the rejections grew, so as the rebellion inside them.

How do you think Father would feel? He is hurt. He is carrying pain from everyone. Each person's pain felt by Him. He says, 'I only want to embrace you. My embrace does not have to be earned.'

We are born in a legitimate way to search for comfort which is Father. But we are hurt when we search for the false comfort because of the lies. This is a comfort in illegitimate way which Adam had done when he urged to have wisdom from the forbidden fruit and passed down to his descendants. By Jesus blood, He cleansed our sins and reconciled us back to the true comfort which is Father. This is why Jesus claimed Himself and also the Holy Spirit as comforter. And through this True comfort, we bear good fruits and perform gifts of God.

And the Greek word in the Bible, 'SOZO' carries other meanings,

Salvation
“That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead you shall be saved (sozo).” Romans 10:9

Healing
“But Jesus turning and seeing her said ‘Daughter take courage your faith has made you well (sozo) and at once the woman was made well (sozo).” Matthew 9:22

Deliverance
“And those who had seen it reported to them how the man who was demon-possessed had been made well (sozo).” Luke 8:36

And so Father is telling me the purpose of my life,

He is not only saving me, He wants to heal me from all my brokenness throughout my life and He wants to deliver me from pain and rejection I had been received.

So that I experience the pain, I acknowledge the pain and I didn't just forget about the pain, I proceed in His plan to help others.

My life turned to meaning and purpose, to the crown of life and things unseen.

Father wants to embrace others through me,

He has a plan, (And this time I truthfully felt the meaning of PLAN)

He wants to sanctify me and it's a process......and it is going to be what I will fight on in my life......,

But during the process, He wants me to let go and surrender......

And so my life is no more just waiting for salvation but it comes with sanctification to be complete.

This is why I truly understand the meaning of 'If I lose my life, then I will find my soul.'

And also why the bridge of 'Hosanna' started to make sense,

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's causeAs I walk from earth into eternity

'Yes, you are failed. So what! Get up and do My work!'