The issue is love, not performance?

It took me strength to write this.

At first, I wasn't sure about it, when I didn't hear my name.

It's not about wasn't sure whether I failed, but I wasn't sure what will happened next, literally, no feeling came upon. And I was waiting for it in the hall.

The fear came, of people gathered and asked, 'Are you okay?' And it was so embarrassed when people said, 'Let's check again if they made any mistake.'

How could it be a mistake when I knew myself very well?

Don't ask me. I could never answer the question why I am so sure to give up and so sure to hear that I am failed.

Then, with the greatest courage I had, I ran down the stairs, to avoid the public, to avoid everyone and absurdly thought that I could avoid God as well.

Yes, God, I made it, the day of humiliation and so what do You want from me?

In Mandarin, they called it a black spot of your life.

A black spot?

I wondered what it would be in God's eyes.

I am not confident to tell. A miracle for Him to work on next year? A testimony about to be bore in the future? I am too scared, just like Moses.

I am too scared to believe that the staff can turn into snake and water can turn into blood.

Brothers an sisters were messaging me, telling me not to give up. Some came for room visit.

I burst out into tears, they said you should cry as hard as you want and let everything out.

I did.

Then, I looked at them, I looked at Mom, I looked at God and then I looked at the tears......

What about myself?

Did I cry out of my guilt, condemnation or just being irresponsible to their hope on me, especially God?

Did I cry because I failed or I failed them?

It is right with what Uncle Tim had said, 'It's your heart that matters.'

My heart. Yes, it is my heart.

If I am not to fail again, if I am to strike back in this battle and bring glory to Him, then my heart have to be there. Did I love God, did I put Him first? Did I love myself as He had commanded?

"All of us have stumbled. But God is not done with us. He believes in us. The game is not over yet."-Wayne Cordeiro and it's enough that you skipped the whole post but just to look at this final sentence.